Not sure what I want...

[ktl1a]

Hi all, I have a DD and am very much in love with her, we are so lucky to have her! We found it hard to conceive and I found the whole process very difficult mentally, it was one of the worst times of my life! After years of trying and having investigations we fell pregnant but had a MMC. A while later (just before looking into IVF) we fell pregnant and had DD.

Following this I wasn't sure what I wanted, I was very happy for her to be our only one but also if it happened I would be happy. By some miracle I fell pregnant after 4 years of leaving it to fate. Sadly I had a MC recently, it was devastating.

I can feel myself starting to get obsessed with TTC again and really dont want to go down that path but dont feel able to just see what happens now. It's a mental block and I am in two minds as to whether I should protect myself and my family and stay as a family of 3 or properly "try". I can't even imagine bringing a baby in to our dynamic as things are great right now but I have this yearning to be pregnant, which isn't necessarily a good enough reason for me to go down that path. I'm just very confused. My husband doesn't want to close the door on a second but also is happy to stay as we are if it doesnt, he's much more chill than me! Not sure what I want anyone to say but it's nice to have somewhere to voice it.

Sorry to hear it’s been such a difficult journey.

With your history and the fact you’ve not been preventing pregnancy for 4 years and have only fallen pregnant once it could, as you well know, be a very long and arduous journey if you do TTC. Did the fertility investigations bring up any obvious issues? Are you in the position to afford IVF privately? If you do decide to TTC, you ideally want to be in a position that you can throw everything at it.

Thanks for your quick reply!
Yes we are so aware that it is unlikely to be a smooth ride and I dont want to lose time enjoying my DD by getting focused on TTC.

Nothing definitive showed up during our investigations, I have adenomyosis, mild endometriosis and slightly irregular cycles but consultant said it wouldn't prevent pregnancy so we have unexplained infertility. I got pregnant with my DD on my first cycle of clomid (I sourced it as consultant wouldn't prescribe because I was already ovulating).

We aren't in the financial position to do IVF privately and if I'm honest I don't want it enough to go though that (I know that sounds bad). Prior to finding out I had completely come to terms with being a family of three but the recent pregnancy has really messed with my head!

It has made me wonder if my eggs are not good quality (hence the 2 "natural" pregnancies weren't successful but the clomid pregnancy was) but that could just be me searching for an answer!

Thanks again for your time and thoughts.