Grief, early loss and lack of productivity at work

[Muddysocks1]

I’m just having my second chemical after 14 months TTC. This one is earlier than my last and I never got more than a very faint test, but certainly was positive, so I’m not anticipating a particularly bad period like last time. But I’m just feeling quite low. Less so the grief of the actual two possibly babies but more generally the grief of not being a mum and it not happening. Plus the stress I worry it’s going to put on my relationship.
This is all in the context of other grief that has occurred over the last couple of years, and other general life stressors.

I don’t feel bad enough to need to be off work entirely, I don’t want work to know I’m TTC, and I don’t want to let people down (I mostly work from home but have lots of meetings, that would need to be covered if I was off). But I feel incredibly guilty about being in work and being paid and then not being very productive other than when I’m actually in meetings. Part of me wants to devise a plan to make myself really productive (not sure what that is! Lists and regular breaks?!) and part of me just wants to do the bare minimum and let myself grieve, but then I feel guilty. I don’t know whether to just tell my manager I’ve got some difficult things going on currently and might not be working to fill capacity (they’re generally very understanding)?

Any advice or similar experiences would be welcome. this happens to me every time I’m either unwell or grieving, guilt and questioning over the “right” thing to do.

I have someone in my team in a similar situation and I would absolutely want to know so I could support you as best as I could. Confiding in your manager isn’t the same as telling everyone you’re TTC. I appreciate not all work cultures are the same though.

Could you either call in sick with something like a headache/stomach ache? (Keep it real to the physical symptoms of grief if you can). Or you could get your GP’s support with time off for grief.

Or if you want to be at work, yes be honest with your manager about productivity if you can, to take the pressure off. Or are you in the kind of job where you can work less this week and put in more effort next week?

The feelings won’t last forever and it’s okay to give yourself space to grieve. Try not to push through it with to do lists etc - the body doesn’t work like that and it may bite you later.

Thank you @FloraBotticelli , your reply is really appreciated.

I think I will call in sick today, and will think about how I explain. I just think I never give myself the space to proper feel better and that would be the best use of today. Do you have to give an actual reason (I’ve so rarely ever been off sick!)?

Yes you’d have to give a reason at my work, but also it’s your private medical details so I feel you can be selective about what to share. Also your work might have a bereavement policy and different rules for different types of grief (eg if it’s miscarriage, close family, distant family) so bear in mind your manager might have to be guided by that. If the policy doesn’t cover what you need, that’s when you can get your GP’s support.

I’m sorry you are going through this @Muddysocks1 ive been TTC for 2 years with 3 miscarriages. So I know that sadness of longing to be a mum but it not happening.
I had to have some time off work due to needing medical intervention for all of them, so I confided in my manager and she has been nothing but supportive. I’d recommend speaking to your manager if you feel you can - I definitely have days when I’m not productive etc, but by her knowing I don’t feel guilty about it. If anything she is always encouraging me to take more time off

Thank you @FloraBotticelli and @Figtree11

Ive got a return to work interview later this week, as I did take one day in the end. Coincidentally another health issue arose so I said it was that, even though really it was grief/mental health. I’m still worried about sharing - opening the doors to it all as it feels so so personal.
Equally I’d hate to be seen as lazy or not performing to my best without them understanding why.

I honestly just feel like lying on the sofa and not engaging with anything. I’ve made myself go out for a walk before work last 2 days to get myself going. I feel very similar to when I had two close bereavements. Flat, no energy, a bit hopeless. I know it’ll pass, so it’s just getting through. Just recall my managers being understanding in a sense but also not really getting it when I was grieving before, maybe I’m just guarding myself from that

@Figtree11 I’m so sorry about your loses and the time TTC. It’s such a difficult situation and so multifaceted.