Friend is due same week as I would have been

[Pleasestopjumpingonthesofa]

Met up with a good friend and his wife (who is also now a good friend!) recently and she is pregnant. I am thrilled for them both and during the day I only had only tiny wobble when it came out they were due the same month as I would have been - I had an early miscarriage earlier this year.

Once we got home it hit me that if we were due in the same week (which we were), that means she's at all the milestones I would have been, if that makes sense. E.g. when they're thinking about names or buying clothes, we probably would have been at a similar time too. Scans, bumps growing, etc. Plus I would have been bloody thrilled to be pregnant "with" her and share all the excitement and nerves.

None of this takes away from me being excited for them, and due to distance we don't see them regularly so I'm probably unlikely to see them again before the child arrives, so in some ways it's an "easy" one to not have to tell them and I can sort of avoid a lot of it.

But it hurts. I wanted our baby. It was such an early miscarriage that although I grieved a ton at the start, I have been pretty much fine now for a while so this has come as a shock. We were so happy it had happened relatively early in trying as we both have health issues impacting fertility, and then it got torn away so quickly. Plus we have had to pause TTC last month and for an unknown time as I have to have surgery in a week and a half for something that can't be left, despite me really not wanting the recovery (think butt surgery!) and wanting to try for a child instead. I don't know how long it will take until I can manage TTC sex (i.e. not as a one off!). Hopefully only one extra month on top of the one we've already lost.

We just came back from holiday and I felt so at peace with the miscarriage - never, ever glad for it, but able to see the positives in having a cocktail on holiday, not being first trimester for a race I had booked, etc.

It feels like that's all shrivelled up and all I want is to TTC again now.

I guess I just needed a rant! Very few people know about the miscarriage and I'm just sad and lonely today.

So sorry for your loss
My DN was born on the due date for my (IVF) baby that I mc at 7 weeks. It was a really difficult time seeing SIL pregnant and growing, and then visiting the new baby and ticking off the milestones. I will say that it does get easier, as in the pain isn’t quite as raw, as time goes on. It never leaves completely though. DN has just done GCSE’s, big events like that do always make me wonder how life would have been. There will be lots of little times like that where the pain will hit you harder and it all feels a little raw.
Take time to grieve, if you don’t feel able to talk to people irl tommys.org offer support following a mc.
Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you lost your baby too.

Oh gosh that is difficult, I hadn't actually considered the later-in-life milestones, probably as I'm just focussed on getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy at the moment (after this frustrating surgery pause at least).

Thankfully(?) we don't see them much and it's their second child so I'm hoping the later comparisons won't hit me so hard as our families would still look very different even if my pregnancy had stuck (trying for our first).

Thank you, I did speak to Tommys straight after the miscarriage as I desperately needed to talk to someone other than my husband but also didn't want to talk to anyone irl. They were good but at this point it's just time I need I think. An extra long dog walk has cheered me up this morning (and the dog loved it!)

I get it OP. Glad your dog and being in nature has cheered you up. Yes, as pp says, it doesn’t really go away, like other kinds of grief, but it does become less frequently felt/less intense.

My best friend (met at nursery, still friends 35 years later!) and I were pregnant at the same time, same stage, both girls - but I lost my daughter at 22 weeks.

I couldn’t meet her little one until I was pregnant again, and past the 22 week stage, over 18 months later. She totally understood - it was just too hard.

I saw pics and got updates (which I 100% wanted and asked for) but being with her in the flesh and cuddling her etc, it was just a bridge too far. Luckily there was some physical distance between us that made it viable, but the thought of it sent me into a tailspin.

Dont be too hard on yourself, its a totally valid feeling x

I’m in similar situation- my ivf buddy is due in august the same week I would have been. We were so excited to go through it together. It was ok when she wasn’t showing but it’s getting harder now as when we are with other people it’s so obvious and everyone asks her when she is due 😓

@BugBugTheTornado I'm so sorry, that sounds so tough - but I must say you sound like you have an incredible friendship there! I'm so glad you conceived again and that your friendship survived it all.

@HopeWillTriumph I'm so sorry. It's so shit isn't it. Just feels totally unfair! Like you, I found it not so bad as she hadn't started to show much yet but I think it would be harder when she's very visibly pregnant - and of course when the baby comes along.

I've been okay for a few days but having a wobbly day again today - in the office unhelpfully but I've mentioned it to my manager and he said he'll keep an eye out for if I need anything!

I was advised recently by a nurse to not rush getting pregnant after my surgery and I know that's sensible, but equally I can't help but think a) fuck it, I desperately want to be at least trying again and b) we tried for 5 cycles with only one brief success that quickly ended in miscarriage so realistically even if we try again quickly after surgery, it's not likely to actually happen is it.

Got syringes ready for at home insemination and everything, as I doubt I'll be up for sex every other day only a week post op 😂 I'm just so frustrated that I was in a good mindset about the whole thing and now this (plus I'm pretty sure a friend at work and his wife are about to start trying) has just pushed me back into desperately wanting to try asap.

I swear every time I open Facebook someone new is announcing their pregnancy. And of the 5ish people I'm close enough to talk about pregnancy in detail, 4 of them got pregnant on month one or two. Hard not to hate people sometimes!!