Grief of no second child

[FluentPanda]

Hi. I'm new to posting, although I'm aways on here getting much needed advice. Forever grateful for Mumsnet 🩷

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe to vent somewhere outside of my group of friends.

I'm currently struggling with not being able to have a second child. My DC1 is nearly 7 and I've been ttc on/off since they were 2. During this time I've suffered with infertility and then going on to have around 7+ miscarriages, all early.

I'm also going to turn 40 in a couple of months and I feel like my time has run out. I never judge older mums but I never wanted it for me nor did I want to have a big age gap.

I have always had irregular periods. I had help with DC1 but I fell pregnant straight after having HSG. I had regular periods after DC1 but the month before we planned to start ttc it disappeared again. Had all the same tests but this time HSG didn't work. I was then put on clomid but changed to letrozole and metformin. The process with the NHS has been long and v.difficult, constantly cancelling appointments or not listening to me etc. When I finally got referred to the recurrent miscarriage unit, all my tests results came back normal. Which I find strange.

I get stuck in constant states of feeling sorry for myself or beating myself up. Every time I get one step forward something happens and I feel like I have taken ten steps back. Because of the long process with the NHS, I regret not going private sooner because age isn't on my side. Because ai struggle with my journey already, I feel like I couldn't cope with the mental toll of IVF and I also think because my issue is staying pregnant not getting pregnant, would it be worth my while anyway?!

When I talk to friends/family they always say 'keep positive, at least you already have a child'. I do try to stay positive (most of the time) but it still really guts me, it invalidates my feelings. Sometimes trying to stay positive feels toxic. Yes I am v.lucky to have a child but it doesn't take away the pain of all the loses and not being able to have a second. I want nothing more than my child to have a sibling, they want it too and always ask why they're an only child.

During my time ttc, friends have had their 1st and 2nd children and I'm so genuinely happy for them and it makes me want it even more, so I can go and do all the Mum things with them.

I'm on progesterone now but I'm not falling pregnant. I did fall pregnant on progesterone once, but as advised, I stopped taking it because I had a negative pregnancy test and I had what I thought was my period. I didn't feel right for two weeks and started to bleed, it turned out I was pregnant after all and the bleeding was another miscarriage. I felt so angry with myself.

I take all the vitamins/supplements recommended on here and take aspirin too after ovulation.

I've only have one cycle left of letrozole and progesterone, if I don't fall pregnant, that's the end of the road and to be honest I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

I sometimes feel embarrassed how long it has taken me and nothing happened for us. I feel like a failure.

I feel like all the signs are there that it's not meant to be and I'm gutted.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐. Everything you’ve shared, from the years of trying and recurrent losses to the emotional toll and pressure of time, is deeply valid. I’ve been through that myself. What you said about toxic positivity really resonated with me. Being told to “stay positive” can feel like your grief and hope are being brushed aside, when in reality you’re carrying so much. Thankfully I’ve not had to experience that. But know that it comes from a good place and your loved ones do mean well.

You’re not alone in feeling torn between gratitude for your child and the deep ache of wanting to give them a sibling. That kind of love is powerful, and it makes the heartache even more profound. I’m 36, I don’t have a child yet, and I’m currently experiencing a missed miscarriage without any bleeding so I’ll need a D&C if I don’t start in two weeks. So much of what you wrote struck a chord with me, and although our situations are different, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Please don’t feel embarrassed. You’ve shown incredible strength, and even if it doesn’t ease the pain, know that others see you, understand a little of what this feels like, and are holding space for you.

I was in this situation. The emotional pain was unbearable and I didn’t want to go to counseling and talk to someone about it and be told to reimagine my idea of a family. This will sound odd but I ended up going to a couple of faith healers over about a 6 month period - since I wanted to reach out for help but didn’t want to talk about it. It helped me deal with the pain, it didn’t take the pain away but it made it a pain I could live with that wasn’t overwhelming.
As it turned out one kid wound up being perfect for me, as my child ended up being a full on kid and I was able to give her bucket loads of attention. If i could go back now I would choose to just have one child.

@VeryConfuzzled I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a missed miscarriage and I hope at least you won't need to have a D&C. Thank you for you kind words and encouragement. I wish you all the luck on your journey x

@Happyinarcon I'm glad to hear the faith healers worked for you, I'll look in to this, I did have therapy before and I understand what you mean. I'm also glad and that things ended up working out perfect for you in the end x
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I did reply to you all but it's not showing the other replies ror some reason

@FluentPanda your experiencing grief in all its forms, all your words resonate. I am now nearly 42 but 40 for me was my mental cut off point and something happened in my brain at this point I can't explain. But I knew it was done, I was done, I had to find a way to deal with not having another child, my child not having a sibling, the grief, the guilt, the sadness, the inner torment. I think it's a process you kind of have to claw your way through to come to a point of not really acceptance but almost there. It is still my life's biggest regret but it also didn't happen and so I have to deal with it and learn to live with the life I have. I am grateful for my child, but I can be that and grieve the fact I haven't got anymore simultaneously.
Hugs, it's a really really hard process but if it doesn't happen, when the time is right, you will move on from this stage x

OP, I am really sorry you are going through this. I’ve got to ask, though, as you haven’t mentioned your partner, especially given your results came back normal from the RMU.
Has your partner been assessed? There’s now plenty of evidence that male factors can contribute to recurrent pregnancy loss.

I could have written your post... please know your feelings are valid, your grief of not having another child is normal... don't let anyone tell you it isn't. You are a hero and a soldier going through 7 miscarriages. Sadly, we are a minority, not many will understand... and that for me was hard pill to swallow that my body failed me so many times. Like, what are the chances of having SO many miscarriages?? Of all sorts?? You name it- I had it!! I eventually accepted that I will never have my second child, I am 41 now and enjoying my 9 year old as much as I possibly can. But it stings. Daily. On the street, in the office where I work... I only see pregnant women! I am happy for them... but my heart truly aches for all my lost babies and the fact that my daughter always desired to be a big sister, a wish that will never come true.

Not sure I am helping you at all... but sometimes it helps to know... it happened to other people... I am not the only one with such bad luck... there are other people who understand and validate my feelings rather than just suggesting to keep positive...

❤️🫂

Hello, I am in a very similar position to you. Am 42 and currently going through my sixth miscarriage (we've had three MMC and three regular miscarriages). We have a wonderful 5-year-old son who would dearly like a sibling, but it's looking increasingly unlikely. Both myself and my husband went for testing after the fifth loss, and all results came back normal. I was on aspirin and progesterone for the last two losses, so it's clear that on their own, they do nothing for me. Am hoping for an appointment with Dr Shehata soon. Sending you my warm thoughts...

I'm so sorry for your losses. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility after having my first, and saw all my friends have their babies and the emotions were so overwhelming I just had to remove myself. It was so hard. One friend and I were pregnant due within days of each other, then my job share was also pregnant at the same time, then I miscarried and had to watch them grow and birth their beautiful babes. I had multiple spontaneous and back to back miscarriages so for me the problem wasn't getting pregnant but staying pregnant. We didn't think IVF was the route for us either for this reason nor the cost. I miscarried at 8w, 7w, 9w, 5w, 14w, and had multiple chemical pregnancies too. I had untold number of tests, scans and investigations but all came back clear too so there was literally no rhyme or reason. It was so hard not to apportion blame, when the reality was there was no blame to be had and that was hard to accept. Emotionally you just want something physical to pin point as 'the reason' so you can try to make peace with that but it's not forthcoming. I did get pregnant again just when I came to terms with not having a second, I'd literally said my heart can't cope to my DH and then came signs of early pregnancy, early miscarriage, bleeding etc, but actually taking progesterone pessaries from that point onwards (4w 3 days, I remember it like yesterday, terrifying!), in that one pregnancy, enabled me to maintain it to term. Not going to lie it was terrifying for the entire pregnancy and I was on edge while taking the pessaries. I was advised to come off them at 12w but that felt so cold turkey, and given I'd mc before at 14w, I continued taking them and gradually reduced the dose until 16w, after extensive research and chats with consultants. I struggled to bond throughout the pregnancy for all the emotional trauma that MC brings, and even once baby was here I kept asking myself did that actually happen? Is it real? Is that mine? And feeling at a total loss of what to do. Like I know I've been here before but, what do I do with it? And then wondering if all the trauma was worth it, almost like I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy it (PTSD coupled with PND perhaps?). I really struggled for a while PP and now we're a few years detached from the experience I can begin to open up and talk about it, the MCs, the secondary infertility, the trauma of that eventual pregnancy and all the overwhelm. I do wonder of the effect it all had on my eldest (and youngest, since) because I don't feel I've been the best mum to either of them that I could have been and I do regret that for them and there's always that niggle of "would we be happier if we'd stopped and made our lot with 1? Would DC be happier?", we'll never know. And my DH has been a solid rock standing by me throughout. We still haven't had sex since conceiving that baby for all the emotional overwhelm because my head screams at me "sex leads to baby, baby leads to loss, loss leads to heartache, heartache leads to overwhelm and trauma. Therefore sex leads to trauma", even though I know with BC etc, the first step is mitigated. I just can't get past it. Not yet anyway.

Anyway sorry for the ramble but that's my story. Of hope perhaps, but with the sad reality that it doesn't always lead to happiness and the life or parenting you envisioned and dreamt of.