I’m not sure what I’m hoping for from this post. A bit of a trauma dump. Maybe a listening ear from others who’ve gone through this.
DH and I were so happy when we found out I was pregnant. We’d decided to start trying but thought it would take us a lot longer. I’d only come off my implant the month before and had one cycle before pregnancy. The news was even more wonderful because we were due to go on a long awaited trip to Disney World which would now be our last solo trip before becoming parents.
We had a wonderful holiday, I made sure to only go on rides deemed safe by Disney for expectant mothers and got plenty of fluids and shade. I had some spotting after the flight there but my other symptoms were normal: aversion to certain foods, strong smells, tingly boobs and mild cramps/pulling in abdomen.
Two days before we were due to fly home I woke up feeling hot and sick, and felt a hot ache in my belly similar to how I do when I’m due to start my period. My heart shattered when I went to the toilet and the bowl was stained red with additional black clumps of tissue and clotting. The cramping was only mild so I decided to listen to DH when he reassured me not to worry, I’d had heat treatments on cervix and maybe it was from my scar, and I had some hope that it was just an early pregnancy bleed, stuck a pad on and went about my day.
Spotting resumed but not heavy and convinced myself I was ok. Hormones were still everywhere. The day we checked out I was doubled over with intense pain on my right side, could barely stand and had to lie down in the reception area after check out to wait it out. Started crying at this point as deep down I felt something was wrong. Just normal spotting so again thought it was odd but that my baby should be fine and that I would get checked once home to see if it was my cervix causing the spotting.
When we got on the plane, I had the overwhelming urge to go to the toilet and push. I had bled through my thin panty liner, my underwear, and my trousers. More clumps came out and I struggled to control the flow of blood. The urge to push continued and I wasn’t well/emptied my bowels, tried not to be sick. At this point I was hysterical and had to discreetly ask a flight attendant for some sanitary towels. I just remember feeling something cold and had a wave of tiredness, I wanted to go to sleep to help with the pain and my panic. The flight team were lovely, brought me lots of blankets and a hot water bottle, tea and kept checking on me throughout the flight. The bleeding slowed to a normal heavy period flow by the end of the flight but they had arranged for an ambulance to take me to a walk in centre where doctors took my bloods and urine and examined me, sadly confirming it was in fact a miscarriage.
This was the day before my 30th birthday. I’m now at home two days later and just feel numb. I have the odd session of crying and pain in my chest (more emotional I think) but then go back to feeling numb. I felt guilty for putting on a happy smile when my family came round with presents and cards on my birthday even though I felt dead inside. Why should I be smiling when my baby was somewhere unknown?
I hope I start to feel normal again. I will never forget my baby and what could have been. The doctor I saw told me that I shouldn’t blame myself and to not overanalyse my actions as there is no known cause. But I can’t help but to be so angry at my self and second guess everything. DH is also devastated and has been so loving and supportive. He said he wants to try again as soon as I’m ready. I want to try again but I’m also scared. Can I handle another loss? Will my next baby be strong enough to stick?
If anyone has gone through this how have you managed with your wellbeing, everyday coping? I’ve already had lots of time off sick this year for unrelated reasons (surgery and recovery) and work didn’t even know I was pregnant, so will have to return from holiday as if everything is fine.
Again, if anybody has read this, I would be interested in your experiences.