Would like to say the right thing ...

[RubySlippers]

A nursery nurse at DS's nursery has had a miscarriage and been off work for a week or so

i would like to say something rather than give her a card - is this appropriate?

she isn't a friend, but i have known her for 18 months and DS thinks the world of her

TIA

anyone?

If you're sure she's happy with you knowing about it (if you see what I mean) then a simple "I was so sorry to hear about your baby - what sad news" or any other kind, simple form of words will be fine

I was so grateful when anybody acknowledged that something had happened to me that I didn't really mind what they said so long as they said something.

thank you seeker

she asked that we were told so i know i am ok to say something, i just want it to be "right"

I'll tell you something that somebody I hardly knew did that meant a lot - she asked again a few weeks later - it was lovely to know it hadn't been forgotten.

Oh,and if she has a partner, ask about him too. Men are often expected to be strong and supportive and not be miserable too.

thank you so much seeker

i am sorry that you have been through this

i am truly blessed and haven't been through it personally

It's a minefield. I had a scan last week, and there was no heartbeat. A repeat scan today has confirmed it. I am going in for ERPOC on Wednesday.

So far I haven't had any time off work.

To be honest, I don't want anyone to talk to me about it. Everyone at work knows - I told one person and asked her to pass the news on. But I'm trying very hard to hold it together, and whenever someone expresses any concern for me, then I start crying. I'd rather people just kept quiet, and treated me gently but didn't mention it.

Personally I would prefer it if someone just discretely gave me a card. That way I'd know they cared, but I wouldn't be reduced to helpless tears at a moment when I'm trying to work.

Also, when people say "I;m so sorry to hear what happened", I don't know what to say. I feel obliged to say "It's OK", which is a blatant lie!

As I say, it's a minefield. It's nice that you're thinking of her.

I think my suggestion would be somewhere in between what Rachel and Seeker both said. I think it was nice to know that people were thinking of me and I did want to talk about it at some times but not at others. So I think something like 'I'm so sorry, I've been thinking about you' would've been the appropriate thing for someone to say to me. I wouldn't ask her questions that require a response, but you might say something that leaves it open for her to elaborate if she's feeling like talking about it.

I agree with justjules, a discreet:
''sorry to hear your sad news' is often enough,.

I probably wouldn't want anymore then that especially if I was at work and other people were around.

Flowers are a big no-no I think.

I gave mine away, I couldn't bear to have them in the house.

Actually a card is similar, so maybe avoid that too.

Maybe I'm just too raw, I can't bear any mention of it at all.

As I say, it's a minefield. I feel sorry for the people around me now, almost as sorry as I feel for myself!

thank you for the replies

Rachel - i am very sorry for your loss

i am not surprised it is so raw for you - hope you have plenty of RL support too