TFMR 22 weeks

[SunAndSea37]

Hi everyone. I’ve just had to have a TFMR after we found out just before 22w my baby caught CMV in the first trimester and it caused major brain damage. I am heartbroken. It’s so hard going from being pregnant to not pregnant and I just feel all over the place, I can’t imagine how I’ll ever go back to normal as I can’t really face seeing or speaking to anyone at the moment. I’m 40.5 so was incredibly lucky to have got pregnant quickly and it feels so cruel to have had it taken away, I don’t know if we’ll get this chance again or if I even want to. I would be so grateful for any words of comfort or advice from other women who have had late losses on how to cope or what to do next as I don’t know anyone in real life who’s had this happen. Thank you.

So sorry you are going through this. No advice but sending a virtual hug your way x

So, so sorry, no words really, just huge hugs @SunAndSea37 . I just dont understand this universe sometimes!!

I was a similar stage, my baby was diagnosed with Walker Warburg syndrome and we made the decision to TFMR.
Possibly one of the worst times I've been through. 5 years on, I'm okay and it isn't something that upsets me unless I really think about it anymore.
I wanted to say something because the pain I felt at that time was a shock to even me and I felt entirely alone and like nobody could possibly understand since I'd made that decision. I felt so many different things.
I have no advice. I'm sure we all handle it differently. But, just be really kind to yourself. Take whatever time you need. A day at a time, allow the feelings to flow through you and accept them. I took a few months off work and I went back a different person. The heart break took such a long time to get through for me and then one day I vividly remember noticing that I'd laughed with a colleague at work and I felt 'normal' almost.
It is really really hard and life changing and I'm so sorry that you lost your baby. Take your time!!!! Don't feel that you need to be brave. I went to a birthday party of a friend's child 6 months later and she announced her pregnancy and I had to leave pretty much immediately because I couldn't stop the tears. The guilt that I'd felt that way just added to it all.
It took me a long time to 'recover' and I felt guilty for that! But that guilt doesn't help you.
Their is a forum - antenatal results and choices - from memory! It's a charity and I found that useful at the time!!

Keep talking, journalling, working through it all where you can!! ❤️

@SunAndSea37im so sorry you’re going through this. Sending you a massive hug. What support have you been offered? We got some really great signposting after our MMC, one of which was a local baby loss support group. Hearing some of the other stories was definitely hard, but it was amazing to see and hear all the support and advice offered in the group and definitely made me feel less alone in my grief. Definitely one to consider, although I know it’s not for everyone. There were women who had also gone on to have children after and were able to lean into that group for support on coping with trying again and the anxiety that came with being pregnant again. I also find these forums very welcoming and helpful

Thank you so much for your messages. @MummyV2021 I'm so sorry for your loss. there is a monthly in person support group at my local hospital which the bereavement midwife has connected me to, I think that will be a real help. I've also booked a grief counsellor privately and then have a referral into a psychotherapist at the hospital too.

@BellaR4 I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. It's such a complex range of feelings. I know I feel like the pain of it has just knocked me off my feet too. I'm glad to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel. ARC has been incredibly helpful and has registered me on their forum too.

To complicate things, my Mum has likely just gone into end stage cancer this week too, which is just so awful I can't even really process it yet, so I'm not sure when I'll make it back to work, but luckily they are all being lovely about not rushing back.