Should I just give up?

[OneDenimSquid]

Genuinely looking for views from both sides here because I’m in total limbo.

Just found out I’ve had my second miscarriage in seven months - spotting on Mother’s Day and confirmed with scan yesterday.

I am soon to turn 38, have two gorgeous boys (5 and 8) already which I thank God for every day. I’ve just always had the idea of three children in my head - I’m not bothered about having a girl, neither is my husband, so that’s not a factor. I was back and forth about trying in the first place, mainly because of my age, and that was a year ago. Now I’m a year older and have had two failed attempts…. I just don’t know whether I should cut my losses now, but also so worried about regretting that and how difficult it will be for me if I don’t try again. But where do you draw the line?

(Very “I” “I” “I” because my husband fully supports whatever I decide ❤️ )

I had two children and miscarried a third when I was around your age, about 35 ish. I’d have liked to try again but my DH wasn’t supportive and rushed to have the snip. We ended up divorcing, not solely because of that but it was a factor. Anyway, I never did have a third child and can honestly say I am fine with it. My two are fully grown now and I’m enjoying the freedom and independence that brings. Maybe don’t ‘try’, but don’t avoid it either and let fate decide?

Why don’t you just leave it a few weeks/months to give your body (and your mind) chance to recover and then just see what happens?

I don't think I'd want to put myself through the potential heartbreak again if I'm honest. You already have two children, I would try and make my peace with the two I have rather than "trying" again. That being said, I might not be too careful with contraception, and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Take some time to deal with and recover from the miscarriage and to heal emotionally and physically afterwards. It’ll take time.
Secondary infertility is more common than we know. I had one child, three miscarriages and then another child. I would have liked three, but after going through all that, I was not willing to go through it all again and am happy with my two wonderful children.
After my third miscarriage, I was referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at the hospital. They did tests, looked at the reasons why the last three did not work, and offered more scans when I got pregnant again. They were very supportive and advised that it was unlikely to be something more than bad luck and birth defects/abnormalities that meant the foetus wasn’t viable. I had my second live child after that, aged 39.

It might therefore be very possible for you to have another child, women have babies into their 40s.
It had been an incredibly hard journey, I had to hide my miscarriages at work, I was very traumatised and looking back had some kind of breakdown during and after the last two pregnancies. It didn’t affect or take away my time with my first child but I held a lot of grief and sadness. I still do but after specialised counselling I am much better.
I guess it is more the questions below that you and your husband need to think about:
Do you want to have another baby? How much do you want another baby? I yearned and physically ached for another which was why we kept trying. I don’t feel that way now I have my two.
Do you want to try again? with all the highs and lows of trying to conceive, and trying to carry a successful pregnancy? It might be successful, it might not, are you willing to go through all that? I was at the time, but after finally having my second, I couldn’t have gone through it all again.
There are practical things to consider too - the cost of a third, the space another child would need, its childcare and schooling, the ability to cope with a newborn, the extra time having young children.
Good luck! X

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s absolutely fine to be thankful for your existing children but also long for a third. I had a tricky path to my third - with a miscarriage and then my period disappearing for 6 months. But eventually I fell pregnant and delivered a lovely baby who we all adore.
I know it’s easier said than done when TTC, but if you know you’d like another, and you obviously can fall pregnant, why not see what happens. And if sadly you did miscarry again (only you know if you want to go through with that risk again), there are tests and support out there after 3 in a row (sad that it had to be 3 in most areas). So at least then you’d hopefully get some answers and then be able to make an informed choice about what to do next. Huge hugs xx

i completely sympathise OP. I wanted a third (and having a third hopefully.) I get the longing is still so so real even though you already have children. Don’t let people invalidate that, it still really matters.
its a v personal choice, I think I would keep going but respect that sometimes you need to protect your heart from further loss

You can want a third while also feeling incredible gratitude for what you already have. Those two things can exist together. To me it sounds like you should keep trying - there are plenty of people who conceive healthy babies at your age (I had a surprise third baby at 38, I know someone who had a surprise baby at 42, and there are tons of examples on Mumsnet if you look for the "how old were you" type threads). Obviously the risk of chromosomal abnormalities resulting in miscarriage rises with age, so there will be a point at which miscarriage is almost inevitable, but you're not there yet by a long shot. Good luck xx

I’m sorry for your loss 💐 - only you can answer your question but I’ll share my experience.

2 kids 6 and 4, 37 and wanting a third - 2 mc and DH felt the same - we were tempting fate, it was too sad - I said we’d have one more go and I’d agree to stop - got pg at 38 - difficult pregnancy (burst appendix at 16 weeks!) but she was born 6 mths after my 39th birthday - she’s 16 now and I’m glad we tried again but I do think I would have stopped if she hadn’t made it.

good luck whatever you decide

Actually it was 3 mc before she was conceived!

I had my 1st child at 38, decided to try again at 40, I lost 4 babies between 40 & 42....I then had my Quadruple rainbow at 43.....she is going to be 3 on the 20th April

Have a break and then decide. You don’t have to make the decision now.

I had 6 mc in between my 2 children. .

im 40 now and part of me wants to roll the dice again . And I really wish I didn't feel this way , it's been niggling away for at least a year .

my heart wants to roll the dice, my head doesn't . X

@OneDenimSquid no, I don’t think you should give up. I’m sorry you’re going through another loss right now, it hurts and it’s shit. Sending lots of virtual hugs.

I started trying at 40, I could get pregnant but just couldn’t hang on to them. However, I finally got my little sticky bean age 44 and now have an adorable 7 month old baby girl (I’m now 45) We are truly obsessed, to say it’s a dream come true is an understatement. Keep going, you’ll get there.

I have 1 child who is 6, im trying for a second child i am 34 and im currently going through my second miscarriage just waiting for a MVA, im questioning the same question can i continue and i decided ill try again and give my self to the age of 36 maybe ill change my mind but im not sure i can cope mentally if these miscarriages continue

I had two consecutive miscarriages at 38, then had DD2 at 39. In my case, I had DD1 (who was by then 19) and had always wanted another child, so wasn’t in the headspace to stop trying. I got advice from a nutritionist and also took all the supplements recommended in ‘It Starts with the Egg’. I also saw a consultant and took progesterone, aspirin, high dose folic acid and Clexane once I got pregnant. Whether by chance or design, the pregnancy stuck and DD2 is now 3 and I couldn’t imagine life without her. I did take a break after the second miscarriage to try and get my body into the optimum state for a successful pregnancy. It was such a difficult thing to go through and when you already have children,
people can suggest there’s no need to keep trying. But it’s such a personal choice, so I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply! Really appreciate the different perspectives.

Out of curiosity, the people who think perhaps to stick with what I have, what do you think is the biggest factor in that? My age, miscarriage history or having two healthy children already? For me, it’s been more my age that I’m fixated on.

I’m also considering whether to explore some tests for me and my husband (we do have private healthcare through work). Did anybody do this and found it worthwhile? In some ways if it came back there is something actually “wrong” that might make the decision easier. So thinking about it in any case.

@Scorpion84 I am totally with you when it comes to head vs heart. My head knows what the “sensible” thing would be to do but…. My heart doesn't seem to want believe it 😂 I’m just sat waiting for surgical management as we speak so I might also feel differently after that who knows….

@OneDenimSquid Sorry I didn't really answer your question

I think after 2 I would definitely on carried on

im sure people thought I was crazy for carrying on after 6 , but if I hadn't I wouldn't have my daughter.

She was born perfectly healthy and I was 37, nearly 38

To be honest it’s also in my head whether people will think I’m crazy/stupid to try again. I know I shouldn’t care and don’t know why I do. Almost like I’d be embarrassed if it happened again?! I’m not sure why, I don’t usually care about other people’s opinions…

Their feelings are their feelings.

I wouldn't carry on, but that's easy for me to say with three kids, youngest of whom is 13.

Just shrug and say "thanks for the opinion" if they offer it. Then forget about it. This is YOUR family and life not theirs.

I was tested after my 3rd, I was found to have Antiphospholipid Syndrome which causes blood clots in the placenta and cord, I had my baby being in Asprin, blood thinners and progesterone

@Kerri44 thank you for your reply. Was that just blood tests they did or did they test anything else? Was your partner also tested?

No as we already had a son so they didn't they did numerous tests from my blood and the APS came up