I told myself if my pregnancy was successful I would put a post on here to give others hope as I was at such a loss and low place after my miscarriage.
I found out I was pregnant Christmas time 2023 - I already had a little boy and we were all so excited to welcome a sibling for him. I felt horribly sick in the pregnancy that I had to phone in sick to work for a week. I took this to be a good sign that everything was progressing. Fast forward to the 12 week scan, the sonographer put the scanner on my tummy and was pushing right down and it took so long for her to find anything that my heart sank, I just knew it wasn't good news. She located the baby which was just a tiny blob on the screen, no heartbeat and measuring 8 weeks. My partner and I were in shock, absolutely devastated. It was in that moment our world just fell apart.
We were taken into a side room and left for a while to digest the news and met with the bereavement midwife who gave us all the options. Like others who have experienced a similar loss, it's so surreal. You expect to come out with a scan picture and feel excited but instead your being given options for removing the baby from your body. I'd had no pain, no bleeding, so many pregnancy symptoms yet my body felt like it had failed me as my baby had died 4 weeks earlier.
I opted for surgical management which I managed to get 2 days later and it went well. Everyone was so lovely but I just struggled so much and cried constantly, grieving the life that never happened and not knowing who our baby was. I couldn't get over it and read as many Mumsnet posts as I could about surgery and miscarriages etc as I convinced myself something had to be wrong with me for this to happen. I only experienced one loss but what it does to your head is awful. I didnt bleed much at all after the surgery, when my period returned it lasted two days and was extremely light so I convinced myself I had ashermans and read all about that, questioned every little symptom and just convinced myself I wouldn't have any more children. It sent me crazy.
In reality I had to let my body and my mind heal as it is so devastating going through a loss. I wanted to be pregnant straight away and I did get a positive frer but bled soon after which I assume must've been a chemical - further adding to my health anxiety that the miscarriage/surgery had done something to me.
4 months later I got a positive pregnancy test but I wasn't even excited, I just felt dread and was so anxious. My partner and I didn't really acknowledge it which is so sad.
We didn't get any early scans because we thought what will be will be and thankfully we saw an active little baby on the screen at our NHS scan. Scans after experiencing the missed miscarriage were awful and I cried so much at the first scan when we saw a heartbeat.
Thankfully all worked out well in that pregnancy and I had a healthy baby boy two weeks ago who is currently lying sleeping on my chest 🩵
Sorry for the rambling but I know there will be people that sadly experience similar to me and question if there's a problem, if they'll have a successful pregnancy after loss etc and go down the ashermans rabbit hole. I even went to the gp to get bloods done and broke down when I told her what had happened. She was really reassuring too and validated all my feelings.
Just know that sadly you're not alone and that there definitely is hope. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I understand the feeling of needing to be pregnant again but looking back it's definitely important to give yourself a little bit of time and it's unlikely anything is wrong. The trauma of miscarriage/surgery definitely messes with your cycles/body for a while.