I wanted to be a mum but had 2 miscarriages and possibly a very early third miscarriage . I would have been a single mum as I had 2 long term relationships with narcissistic people which were toxic in my 20s and 30s and split up with them. I was codependent. I do look back and question if I would have been ready. The grief of the miscarriage was something else and took a few years to get over.
I developed healthier behaviour and attended 12 step codependents anonymous groups for a while.
I did not meet anyone suitable in my 30s. I looked into adoption or fostering as an idea. I worked with young people and was an auntie to my nephews and friends kids. I helped take my nephews out when they were young. I discovered my mother was a covert narcissist and we became estranged. I discovered about emotional abuse. I developed chronic fatigue too in my 30s 40s and 50s. I did enquire about fostering and adoption with social services.I worked with young people as a residential support worker. I talked to people who provided foster care and to get shared experiences. This included single foster carers. They all had supportive partners and family support.
I discovered that my mother would be interviewed by social services and my other relatives. I believed also I was not good enough to adopt or be a foster carer. I decided not to go ahead with adoption or fostering. I had such low self esteem.
I spent years fixing myself and spending lots of money on courses, improving myself. I was single for 10 years until I met my current partner 7 years ago. I was 48 and started perimenopause. I was late diagnosed with autism, adhd, complex ptsd in my late 40s early 50s. I had multiple bereavements including my best friend and my dad died too. I had grief over the family I never had.
I look back and reframe what I did manage to do. I did look after my nephews at times until they were teenagers and I became estranged from my mother. My sister and my mother still have a relationship. I am in touch with my sister but we are not close. I never bad mouthed my mother to my sister or my nephews as they still had a relationship with my mum.I continue that this day If they were to ask, I would just say we are unable to communicate in a healthy manner.
I went out with my friends and their kids. I have worked with young teenagers over the years from 11 years to 18 years in the work I do. I baby sat my step brothers and sister at times. I had to look after my sister when I was aged 13 without being asked or communicated to. I have looked after an ex boyfriends daughter as a young child for a couple of years when he was doing mobile discos.
I did work hard on myself and do emdr and therapy work for years. I can be at a big family gathering and be in the same room as my mum and make small talk now after working on myself and not being triggered by my mother.It has taken years My sister does not understand nor do my relatives.
My nephews are all grown up. I did explain boundaries to the children I spent time with and I was playful too. I was never taught what I did wrong or have anything explained to me by my parents so I changed this.
I understand perimenopause, my chronic fatigue, autism and adhd better now. I am not a bad person. I did take steps to improve myself. I discovered there are different ways of getting involved with children through volunteer work too which I got involved in with children from all walks of life who were neurodiverse .I listen to my friends who have children and the problems that arise and do not judge.. I see it is not easy.
I had to parent myself in the end and be a mother to myself.I have had decent close friendships.
My partner is the healthiest relationship I have had. He does not have children himself. I cannot go back and change the past.I can continue to help children in different ways as I get older like helping to read stories. I look back at my life and realise I had other kinds of support from my gran, my friends family, teachers, close friends. I was parentified as a young child with both mum and dad.
I am now practising self care and setting boundaries with myself through inner child work. It was not something I was taught growing up. I got stuck emotionally aged 4 with replaying scenes from my mother over and over again. My dads death brought it all out 4 years ago. It feels like a full time job just looking after myself with physical health difficulties and neurodiversity.
I am 53 now. The biggest take away from my reflection is having compassion for yourself through grief and loss and loss of dreams. It is seeing my nephews grow up and develop into adults themselves.