Struggling today….i can’t stop crying

[Pointpoint]

Im having a really hard day. It’s my kids birthday and I’m sat here crying (they are at school and I kept it together this morning). I’ve had multiple miscarriages and a TFMR (awful HG, health complications where I nearly died at 6 weeks pregnant my body started to shut down, potential I wouldn’t have survived the pregnancy). Its just a reminder that my kid should have a sibling here.

I had a MMC at the end of last year, needed surgery, got an infection, which then turned septic (more days in hospital feels awful and on IV drips). I’ve got consultant appointments coming up for reoccurring miscarriage too.
I did not tell my mum as I find she’s not very emotionally supportive. I ended up telling her about my hospital stay for the MMC. She said I’m sorry to hear this but then asked me “could you just not cope with the pregnancy again” alluding that my TFMR was a choice or my fault and asking if I had another one. No I got told my baby had no heart beat. Pregnancy is hard for me due to the sickness / PTSD etc.

She then started to telling me I should just be grateful for the child I have as some people have no children. I mentioned I don’t find these kind of comments helpful and worked out in therpy I prefer time to grieve and just sit with my emotions, I do appreciate what I have just not at the beginning of a loss. She then snapped at me and stated she’s sorry she can’t comfort me the way I want and she won’t bother trying again, I should just go speak to my therapist (I don’t have a regular therapist just when Im feeling down I will use resource from NHS which only last 6-8 weeks at a time). And now she’s not mentioned it again or checked in.

My miscarriage this time last year, I rang her to tell her, she said sorry and then that was it. Her next message to me was a week later to sign a petition for my sister (an automated link text message). Not even a text message to ask how I was doing….im starting to wonder if my expectations are too high. Maybe this is how all mothers are, should I not expect her to check in days or weeks later?

I just want a mum who I feel loved me, that when I’m sad will come and give me a hug, stroke my hair and tell me it will all be ok. That what I’ve through is shit / horrible and she can’t even begin to understand the pain as she’s never had losses. That will come to me and I will comforted. But I’m never going to get that.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I sympathise with you. Your feelings are valid and yes mum should be more supportive. It is absolutely okay to grieve a miscarriage even if you already have children because every life is precious and the child was wanted. Therapy was a game changer for me in a difficult period. Typically mums who aren't emotionally supportive are hardened through their own life experiences mainly childhood. Find a safe space through a friend or support group if that helps. Not having what you need from a mum emotionally can be hard, grieve it and release it and I hope you can find that in someone else xx

I just wish I could be pregnant right now with my baby, I would be 15 weeks and due in July. I always wanted a summer baby and now instead I’m waiting for a reoccurring miscarriage appointment. It feels unfair.

I’m really sorry your mum is not more supportive op. I have had 2 HG pregnancies and the only support I had was from DH. My mum didn’t care either. I had 3 back to back misscarriges, again I shared with no one.
Pregnancy is hard, extremely hard I found. Loosing a much wanted pregnancy is hard too.
Happy birthday to your DC. It’s ok to feel that sadness, it’s a normal and healthy reaction. Sending love.

Dear @Pointpoint I just wanted to send you some love. Seven months ago I had to terminate a baby boy in the early second trimester because of medical reasons. He was a very wanted baby following a miscarriage. He was to be my rainbow baby and he died too. I too have one beautiful heathy child but it doesn’t mean I don’t grieve their losses terribly. It is most hard that my daughter wants a sibling more than anything and that he baby sister and brother died and she talks about how they’re in heaven. You have every right to grieve the children you have lost and as you have said, it’s not helpful to be told to be grateful for what you have. Of course we are grateful. We are more grateful than someone who has never experienced a loss! But we still grieve! In a perfect world your mother would be the one to hold your hand and stroke your head and listen and cry with you but sometimes life is cruel to us and it is just shit. Join a support group for women who have had losses or recurrent losses and find your empathy and healing there. I’m so sorry your Mum isn’t giving you the support you need. There is a sisterhood out there willing to walk with you in your grief as you work through the pain. Search for those who will hold your hand. Sending a big hug xxx

Nice message from @coldscottishmum too. Sorry for your loss also xxx

Ah Op, I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Your Mum sounds very insensitive. I had 5 miscarriages after my first baby. Took me 4 years to have my second child. The trauma is unreal. I also found my mother quite insensitive at the time, told me once that she didn’t know how much more of this she could cope with. I was the one in intensive care after a haemorrhage 🙈Be kind to yourself and I really hope you get that second baby you so desire🥰. I rationalise that I wouldn’t have my son if I hadn’t gone through it and he such a lovely teenager now.

Your mum does sound unsympathetic and says the wrong things. So I don't think you can rely on her for help. Have you a close friend to chat with. I agree with therapy.

I am so , so sorry to you. I can completely sympathize because I’m going through an early miscarriage now myself but also with the situation with your mom, as my mom is the same. I stopped talking to her years ago and it has changed my life. I feel free, I no longer have to live up to her standards or prove I’m good enough (feeling not enough came from lack of emotional support and care). I understand what you’re saying about wanting a mom who will care for you and love you, and it made me so, so sad to read that because I felt the same. I had to let go, because it was destroying me. I’m not saying for you to stop talking to your mom or anything, I just wanted to share my experience because it is similar to yours. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. Sending hugs xx