Baby born at 17 weeks

[FunKhakiTurtle]

Hi,
I recently went into labour at 17 weeks. My baby was born breathing and moving but obviously could not survive so young.
I've had two previous pregnancies with no issues. This pregnancy so far had been fine, just a Low Papp A result of 0.28 from testing at 12 weeks.
I've consented to a post mortem and testing of placenta etc.

As baby was born with signs of life I have to register the birth and death. I'm not sure what the sex of my baby is. The midwives said they couldn't say unless they were wrong. I really want to give baby a name before we register.
The post mortem will tell me what the sex is but it may take longer than 6 weeks and I only have 6 weeks to register my baby.

Has anyone else been in this situation?
Would I be able to clearly see the sexual organs if it was a boy? I could not see anything.
I'm just looking for support. Me and my husband are heart broken. I feel like I have failed my baby.

Oh @FunKhakiTurtle Of course you haven’t failed your baby.
Miscarriages happen to lots of women- and it isn’t the woman’s “fault”, and nor are the reasons known.

My friend had an earlier miscarriage and she doesn’t know sex of their baby, either ( 12 weeks ish)
She still thinks of him or her, ( they have other children )

You won’t ever forget your child, and it must be so very difficult.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I also gave birth at 17 weeks. He was very clearly a boy, so I’m thinking your baby must have been a girl?

Thank you. I think I'll go with a girl then. I did think that at the time but as the midwives wouldn't confirm it, it made me question myself.

Thank you for your kind words.

I’m sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself it’s completely ok to feel how you feel - there’s no right or wrong.
I gave birth to a baby at 21 weeks who was sadly already dead. The midwives couldn’t say for definite whether he was boy or girl but that they thought he probably was a boy. We named him and had a funeral. When we got the post mortem results the first thing I asked was not to be told his sex because to me he is a boy and I’m happy continuing to think that. Just thought it might be helpful to share.

@FunKhakiTurtle yeah they aren’t allowed to say, which I understand. But mine were happy to show him to me so I could see for myself becuse it was pretty obvious. Hope you’re doing ok and have lots of support around you. Pick a beautiful name for your little girl and remember her always. I always tell my children about their brother.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your little one. In these circumstances it might be worth contacting your local registration service and ask to speak with someone about these specific circumstances.

It may be possible to delay the registration until the post mortem has been done, in order that you can register with the full knowledge of whether your baby was female or male.

There is a category for when the sex of the child is medically unknown, it's not used very often and would need approval from the General Register Office, but I suspect in your case, they might also advise waiting for the post mortem results.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.

How awful for you.

I would perhaps go with a unisex name if you can find one you like and feels fitting
Taylor
Cameron
Bailey
Drew

I'm so sorry . I had a baby at 16 weeks and the midwife said he was a boy. So I would agree with the PP and assume a girl.

Thank you. Sorry for your loss as well. It still doesn't feel real. I know over time it will get easier. I'm going to think of her as a baby girl, that's what I imagined all the way through my pregnancy.

Thank you for your kind words.
I do feel like I've failed as it was obviously something wrong with my body which caused me to go into labour so early, baby was alive and fine on scans.

Thank you. The bereavement midwife team have emailed the people who do the post mortem to see if they can let me know the sex as soon as it is done. In the mean time I will think of her as a little girl.

OP, I just wanted to add my condolences. A late miscarriage is not easy.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

I gave birth to our baby at 19 weeks in September, and he was very, very obviously a little boy. He was alive all the way though labour, but died minutes before he was born, so I never got to register him.

Have they given you a cause for your labour starting? I hope you find a name you love for your baby.

My dgc was born at 17 weeks. The Co-op provided a funeral for free... If this is something you wish for please contact the Co-op funeral home near you..
So sorry for your loss op.

Thank you. Hoping with time it gets a bit easier.

Hi,
I'm sorry for your loss, it is heartbreaking.
It only happened last week so it may be a while for the results.
I don't understand how I can have two normal full term pregnancies with no issues, then this.
Something cause me to go into labour.
All covid, flu, RSV swabs negative, urine sample negative. Not sure I'm vaginal swab is back yet.

The hospital provide a cremation and service with the chaplain so I'm just going to go with this which makes things a bit easier.

I am so , so sorry. I am tearing up just reading about what you’ve been through. Despite everything, you sound so strong. Please know you haven’t failed your baby. It is NOT your fault please don’t tell yourself that. I can only imagine how challenging it is not knowing the sex of the baby for another 6 weeks particularly as that’s the amount of time you have to register the birth and death. Would it be possible to contact the registrars in the town hall in area where you had the birth, to explain the situation , maybe they could make an exception and extend the amount of time you have to register? Alternatively, What do you think about choosing a unisex name for your baby? Sending so many hugs xx

Thank you, it means a lot. The bereavement midwife has emailed to ask that as soon as the post mortem is done, if they will let her know the sex so we can register.
I've tried to think of a nice one but I don't really like any unisex names.

I'm very sorry. My friend had a similar loss and her DH contacted their local Register Office who were very understanding and fitted her in after the pm results were known - she wanted to be sure if baby's sec before they registered in their chosen names

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me. The post mortem revealed I had a baby girl and I've named her Violet.

Beautiful name 💕

A lovely name for your lovely girl op...

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
What a lovely name. You didn't fail Violet at all. This is not your fault and you did nothing wrong.

My cousin lost her baby slightly later from listeria and use this lady, who writes names in the sand on beautiful sunsets. She has a framed picture in the hall, along with her living children's photos.
namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

This miscarriage association have a helpline if you'd like to speak to anyone and other ideas how to remember and commemorate your time with Violet x
https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/