When to stop TTC? MMC trying for no 3

[Zivas]

My Husband and I have two children, age 3 & 6. After a lot of deliberation we decided to try for a 3rd but on the basis that I would have the baby before I turned 40. I didn’t get pregnant “in time” but we decided to keep trying and I got pregnant soon after.

I had 2 MMC before my eldest was born so I booked a private 8 wk scan and found out that there was no heartbeat. I had surgery to complete the miscarriage 2 weeks ago.

I am at a complete and utter loss on what to do now. The logical thing is to stop trying. I’m nearly 40, it will likely take a while to get pregnant again (I also have PCOS) and I could easily have another miscarriage. I am very lucky to have my 2 children so I should just focus on them.

But my heart is so broken at the thought of stopping and never having another child, of always knowing that my last pregnancy was a failure and that I’ve put myself through another miscarriage for no reason.

I feel like I need to make a decision quickly. If we are going to try again then it needs to be now. But can I actually go through this all again? Should I just be happy with what I’ve got?

It all feels so different this time and I’m just lost. Has anyone been in the same boat?

So sorry to hear.
I know the lasting trauma miscarriages bring.

Why do you say stopping trying is the logical thing? Is that to save heartbreak? Or other factors? Xx

I think just because no one needs to have a 3rd child so why risk going through this again? And I’m scared about it taking so long that I end up with a big age gap and I’m getting too old. If I could magically be 12 weeks pregnant right now, I would be ecstatic.

It is so tough.. I hope you don't mind my opinions...

Yes nobody needs a 3rd but if you want one and see your family with 3 then that's a valid reason. You don't need to justify it anyone but yourselves.

I wonder if you are placing too much emphasis on turning 40? I know when ttc every month feels like another due date and milestone timings for said baby has slipped away but actually is there any significant difference in having a child at 40 compared to 41? I doubt it!! There are plenty of mums 41/42/43 around.

Secondly I personally don't fret about age gaps. We all think those closer in age have a better relationship but I really don't see evidence of that around. Some of the closest siblings I know have 5/6 year age gaps.

Finally I don't think now is the time to make the decision - it is obviously adding even more to your grief. Maybe decide you will park it and weigh it up in a few weeks when you are further on from surgery. Or even when your period returns meaning it is even an option.

Both decisions are completely valid and will be right for you inevitably - just don't jump into it and cause yourself upset if it's hypotheticals/ your extremely recent loss that influences you. Take some space and process?

@NeatOtter you talk a lot of sense. You’re definitely right that I’m all up in my head about age and numbers when really a few months isn’t going to make any practical difference. It is all still very raw and I’m probably putting too much pressure on myself to have it all figured out right away. My husband is really supportive but will literally go along with whatever I want so the decision all falls to me and I feel very anxious about regretting whichever road we decide to take. I think you’re right that a bit of time is probably very needed. Thank you.

I’m sorry about your losses. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if your wish for another baby is greater than your wish to not put yourself through the heartbreak again iyswim.
I had DS then several losses in a row (also late 30s with PCOS) but I was willing to put myself through it again and again as I wanted another child. I think I would have known in my heart when I got to the point I couldn’t do it anymore. It really is a question only you can answer.
I did go on to have DD and am now pregnant again at 40 with our third. Don’t let age and age gaps put you off of it’s what you really want. The age gap between my fist two
is bigger than I would have wanted due to the repeated losses but I wouldn’t change it now and many women have their first child at 40 and go on to have more.

@Herewegoagain8 thank you for your reply. I’m so pleased that things are going well for you after your losses. I think at the moment I’m so still so in the thick of it that it’s hard to think straight. I go back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off and the kids are back at school/nursery so I things will be back into some kind of routine. I’m hoping that will help settle my mind enough to make a decision. I swing back and forth a lot at the moment and it’s hard to think about anything else.

So sorry for your losses. Don't worry about age gaps. Our girls were 7 (nearly 8) and 5 when our little boy was born. They're now 9 (nearly 10), 6 and 2 (next week!) and get on wonderfully. I'm 39 and knackered but it's worth it.
Why not give yourselves another year, but only if it doesn't become an obsession. Don't miss out on time/headspace with your current children x

@Scottishgirl85 thank you. I think I was so overwhelmed by it all that I’ve just been getting all up in my head. I think we probably will try again but it’s all so scary. It’s so lovely to hear about your little family though. Reminds me that it’s possible x

@Zivas I really feel you'll get there. Our babies are IVF, so I get your longing and obsession. We had one embryo left and didn't want to do another fresh cycle, so I was terrified that it wouldn't work as it would have been the end of our no.3 road. We were already imagining life with 3 - once you're in that headspace, it would be difficult to give up on your dream. I get it, and wish you so much luck.

I'm sorry for your losses. I'm currently in the hospital for surgery for my 4th MMC (no children). Since my third one in July, me and my partner have been talking a lot about when we would stop trying. In December I was diagnosed with chromosomal abnormalities, 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. With high risk of miscarriage and stillbirth, my options for any future pregnancies would be IVF with pre genetic testing (with no guarantee of how many eggs retrieved would even be normal) or egg donation (which I've never wanted). So we made the decision that this was our last try.

It's been an incredibly difficult decision to make, especially as we don't have any children. But the relief I felt at knowing I won't have to go through this cycle of trying for 6+ months each time, the stress of pregnancy after loss, and any more potential miscarriages told me that it's the right time to stop. It's been slowly eating away at me and I've been losing sight of the rest of life.

Ultimately it's a very personal decision and a difficult one to make. I know many women in my situation would choose to go ahead with IVF, but for me it's too many rolls of the dice with no guaranteed outcome and too many risks. I hope you decide what is best for you and your family. Don't rush the decision, make sure you discuss it together lots. It affects all of you xx

@Moosey898 I’m so sorry for your losses. It sounds like you’ve been through such a heartbreaking time and it must have taken so much courage to reach a decision about your future. I hope the recovery from your latest MMC goes smoothly and you can start to live your new life. I really appreciate your comment.