@YourSparklyUser I am so sorry hun. We had a miscarriage around 2 years ago. It was brutal and I still remember the emotional pain, which eclipsed the horrible physical pain.
When I lost our baby I posted on Mumsnet and I was in so much pain I couldn't imagine being happy again. We had only told one friend and telling her we miscarried was very painful and it felt like it increased the pain, when in reality it probably did not.
A few things:
- Though for us the pain didn't leave, it transformed and we are finding ways to leave space in our hearts for our first one.
- I planned to TTC straight away, but decided to take time to heal first physically because for us, I still had some inflammation.
- Taking time off helped create space to start emotional healing.
- My work were horrible (in the months after) and the stress meant I needed rest afterwards and so yaking time made sense.
- Like you, I was forward thinking because I really wanted a baby. I focused on getting as healthy as possible just to have something to do.
- Eventually, we got pregnant again around 7 months after our miscarriage. It was difficult because of the reminders of the last experiences and worry about another missed miscarriage but mainly in addition because of a bully boss/horrible workplace. But I was determined to keep going and we eventually had our now 6 month old.
I know it's not the exact same boat now, but I think there were some similarities in my experience on the ground. It is normal to be terrified of getting pregnant again and for other fears to accompany any pregnancy. I don't think I have the answer for that except to say what helped me was to take each day as it came. Each moment as it came. It's a lot to take on so many worries over something we cannot control. Do you have support around you? Safe spaces where you can discuss your feelings? Organisations like Tommys really helped me. I now realise how traumatised and depressed I was and it was good to initially be around people who went through what I did but were strangers who wouldn't judge. But we each deal with loss in our own way and there is no rule book. If possible, and if you'd be open to it, try to take the next step that feels right to you then hopefully the next one will become clearer. You don't need to have it all figured out right now. Give yourself space, love and kindness.
I know it may sound like the last thing you'd want to do, but are there some self care things you can implement right now to take care of you? Meditation? Away days? Massage? A trip you wanted to take? A stay in a hotel? I couldn't face being home and packed our stuff and left home the 4 day period it took for our miscarriage to complete. I just needed to be in a neutral space and I returned all maternity clothes and baby items (we discovered the MMC around 9/10 weeks, it had happened 4 weeks earlier).
What I can say is that the pain has become bearable. Not less buy just different and I have become better at managing it. Our rainbow baby has also filled us with so much love and we are enjoying his company.
The response ended up being longer than I planned but I hope it makes some sense. Sending you love during this difficult time.