I’ve recently suffered my second ectopic pregnancy.
I am struggling a lot, overwhelmingly difficult time right now.
I have so many emotions and thoughts that I don’t know where to put all the emotions and thoughts and feelings.
I’ve tried writing a diary and poetry and random bits in my phone to help me write down my feelings. Anyway I wrote a poem that I wanted to share.
Titled: “The Female Body”
You are born with everything you need, they say
The eggs, they are formed.
But what if all I’m born with doesn’t actually work at all? What if every egg within me goes on a journey that is doomed?
What if we actually told women.. the truth about their womb?
And actually how our bodies do not glide and grow and provide.. because sometimes we are more, than what is expected of us inside.
Or how everytime we bleed, it is a cross we have to bear, because bleeding could mean so many things, that no one wants to share.
Like flushing a foetus down a loo or sticking a tampon in? or excruciating discomfort from the war that is within?
Because actually our bodies are magnificent, but sometimes they are cruel, and they don’t teach you all the ways it can fail you when you are in school.
Like when two lines appear on a test and they say “a baby in nine months!!” But look at you like a conveyor belt if that dream does not come.. because surely “you can have another one?” Isn’t that what they say? But my body tells me different, because I have the scars from that day.. of one, two, three times.. in which a life was lost, but they didn’t say anything in school about how much that costs.
“You bleed each month and wear a condom or a baby will arrive” but I know very differently.. because of mine that’s died. I know the marks that’s left from needles, the tears that always fall, the rivers I have cried and the fear through it all. I have scars etched so deep that they almost ache my soul and although I wish I didn’t, I wonder about you all.
You are born with everything you need, they say, and I am sure sometimes it’s true but if you’ve ever grieved your baby, then I am just like you. I was not born with everything I need, I lost my babies along the way and angered at my body that let me down each day. I was angry when I bled and all the times I fell apart … from words and waiting rooms and surgeries… with scars etched in my heart. So I was not born with everything I need but I will find it along the way because I know that soon, I will get my baby one day. ❤️🩹