How to move on

[Coquimom2324]

I was originally told when I got married that I couldn't have children on my own only through IVF or IUI. Yet a year and a half later I found out that I got pregnant on my own. We were so excited for the news. However, I started having complications and at 14 weeks I had my son in the restroom at my job. It was one of the most horrific scenes and thought I was never going to come out of it especially since it happened two days before my birthday. Later that year I got pregnant again and were so excited but terrified. At 14 weeks we got the news that I was losing the baby he was starting to come out. They did surgery (cerclage) the next day to give us a 15% chance of survival. 2 weeks later we went back to the doctor for a follow up and was admitted to the hospital as the cerclage no longer was holding the baby in. I was in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks before my water broke and had a horrible delivery, I almost lost my life. He was born at 18wks and 5 days and lived for 48 minutes. My son was so strong and a fighter. Now, I am told I shouldn't try again because it is too much of a risk for my life. How do you move on from that? How is it fair that I can't hold my baby in my arms? How do mothers who hurt their children deserve children but woman like me who wish to be a mother and have our children on earthside can't have them? I have been seeing a therapist since my first loss and I thought I was getting better. This past 2 weeks have been so tough and I really miss my boys. Anyone feeling the same way with their loss?

hey, I don’t have a similar experience but I didn’t want to read and leave your post. I am so so sorry that you’ve been through such horrific experiences, I cannot even begin to imagine how you’ve felt/feeling. Just because you’ve had a tough few weeks doesn't mean you’re going in a backwards direction. My private message is always open if you need a stranger to rant/talk too. ❤️❤️

Firstly, I am so sorry.
i have had 6 losses including twin boys at 16 weeks.

It is horrendous. The only way out of the pain is through it. It will become bearable I promise. This much I know to be true.
One thing that is important to hold on to (like a mental life raft) is that there is no deserving in other women, that this is nothing that you did wrong, there is no fault. There is no deeper meaning to any of it. Though I told myself that these things are just not meant to be, my babies were not ok. I took progesterone after my losses and this helped my next pregnancy to hold.
You need to grieve properly and that takes time and it is also something you cannot rush. Be kind to yourself. It all takes time. This burden will get lighter.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I felt a similar way after my losses, why could some objectively awful people easily pop out babies and I couldn’t? But there’s no God of Babies who decides — it’s someyimes just really awful luck, and sometimes some of us have underlying physiology challenges with getting and staying pregnant (which was the case for me, and getting some answers as to why did help).

As another poster said the only way out of the grief is through it. I found therapy so helpful. Both individual and group sessions with the Miscarriage Association. The group sessions helped me understand that some of my more difficult feelings were normal, and share by other women would had similar experiences.

One of my losses was also very traumatic (but different circumstances) and I felt I’d been broken somehow after it. The therapy helped me come to terms with what had happened and to heal. I still think of those babies that could have been, but it doesn’t hurt in the same way anymore.

The clouds do clear, but it takes time. Wishing you all the best x

I'm so so sorry for your losses, I can relate completely and you're right, it's so unfair. I used to have faith in life, belief in a god/higher power so to speak. The scariest part of what I've been through is that I've completely lost all faith in life now and that's so hard to live with. So I do really understand how you're feeling. I lost my little girl at 19 weeks a year ago today. I still can't make sense of it, everything seemed fine until it wasn't. I had quite a traumatic birth too as my waters had been leaking for a week then one day I went to the toilet and the cord was out 😢 I knew she'd passed at that moment. I still relive it to this day and today is especially hard as it's exactly a year ago it happened. My partner was told he couldn't have kids and his only option was IVF. He has a very low sperm count. She was a miracle really, we've been trying again ever since and I'm now thinking it's just not going to happen again. I struggle seeing mum's with prams, babies around the age she should be now. I feel like they haunt me, my neighbour is pregnant now and due in March. Just feels like the universe is taking the p* out of me. So I'm very sorry I can't offer you any words of wisdom but I can reassure you you're definitely not alone in this awful grief. I wish you all the luck in the world and I pray you get your happy ending one day 🙏💕