I’m standing still and everyone is moving on.
You count in months old, I count in cycles.
I’m tracking my ovulation and taking tests, you’ve already got your positive.
I’m feeling my scars, wondering if they will turn from purplish to white - with nothing to show for it. You don’t think about your c section scar as you hold your healthy baby in your arms.
You’re excited to post your pregnancy announcement. Tears streaming, I’m looking at the calendar knowing what week we should have announced.
You’re looking forward, forward to their next milestone, first smile, first crawl. I’m looking back, at the person I was before this. Before this lonely, heartbreaking, mind altering journey - hoping I can find her. Knowing that I won’t, she’s gone. She left with the excitement, and naivety of thinking this would be easy. No one told me it wouldn’t be.
I don’t expect anyone to stand still with me, I really am happy for you- but oh so sad for me. I want to be apart of this conversation. I want to tell you I’ve been pregnant too. I want to speak about my due dates, and guess their gender; but you’re uncomfortable and there really is nothing to say… because they aren’t here now.
You don’t know this pain, and I hope you never do. I just wish it wasn’t so lonely. I wish I was you.