Story sharing and a little help if you don't mind

[Ami5]

This is my first post as a first time mother to be in my mid 30's, this week I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It has shattered both me and my partner and I just want to hear other mums stories about how they bounced back from this, or picked themselves up off the ground, maybe even some nice stories about successful pregnancies thereafter. I'm in pieces at the moment and had no idea 1 in 4 can miscarry, i have spent the last week feeling a lot of guilt and seeing my partner crying and going through this has just been like an unending nightmare. If there is something, anything really that I can do to reach full term next time I will absolutely do it. I don't even know how long you are supposed to wait before trying again but at the moment I'm still very much passing this all through my body and just want to try and be positive to get myself through this. I thought I would reach out here after reading a few posts and seeing how supportive the community is and promise to do my part in future. Even the name of the site mumsnet has me crying right now and so just anything positive here story wise I would greatly appreciate it to try and give myself some hope x

Very sorry for your loss.
I miscarried at 9 weeks (a long time ago). I felt sad but also really disappointed for us and my parents etc as we had all been so excited.
We waited a couple of months before trying again. Went on to have 3 successful pregnancies.
Be kind to yourself.

It's rough OP, so sorry.

When I was first pg, after about 2 yrs of trying, I remember my DM saying 'don't count your chickens' and I was really, really annoyed with her. 8 weeks later, at the 12 week scan, I'd lost the baby at 7 weeks but kept the sac and was being booked in for a D&C.

4 months later, I was pg with DC1 (now 24), we then tried for DC2 and had the 2nd mc. I conceived again a month later (you're supposed to wait a couple of months...didn't, as it was an early loss, 5 weeks). DC2 is now 21. I then conceived DC3. 18 months later there was another MC, at about 8 weeks. For me personally, the first was by far the worst and I don't know if it was because we were so late finding out, or because it was my first. It'll take some time and do be ready for blinding envy of other pg women...I could hardly bear seeing them.

Thank you both for your kind and fast responses and for sharing I really wasn't expecting anyone to reply. That's so nice to hear that you went on to have three wonderful children Poppy and two lovely children in the second. I have had a little bit of guilt seeing a couple of pregnant ladies on tiktok but then told myself you should be wishing them nothing but happiness so I'm doing my best to put that out into the world x

Hi there OP, I just want to let you know you’re not alone. I experienced my first miscarriage in 2021 at 5 weeks and 3 days after unexpectedly discovering I was pregnant. The pregnancy came as a shock but we got our heads around it and then only a day later I miscarried. This was right before Christmas and then I had to spend all of Christmas with my heavily pregnant sister in law which was so tough despite my happiness for her.

I then fell pregnant straight away the following month with my DS (who will be 2 this Sunday). The anxiety that came with pregnancy after loss was crippling but got better over time.

Last week I found out I was pregnant with our second. I was overjoyed but to my despair I miscarried today at 5 weeks 4 days. It feels like history repeating itself. I know I am incredibly blessed to have my son who is my greatest joy, but it doesn’t take away the pain.

I know this may not be helpful for all, but last time I really did find that the best thing for me was to focus on trying again straight away. They say you are extremely fertile immediately after miscarriage, and this was the way I coped. Thankfully it resulted in my little boy.

I’m not sure this time what I will do, I am so emotional and fragile I just need to take each day at a time. But hopefully knowing there are others going through the same, although you wouldn’t wish it on anyone, is somewhat of a comfort. Sending you so much love x

Ami5 so sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain. Last year in my first pregnancy I knew that miscarriage was quite common but I had never heard of missed miscarriages, which is what I had. Literally went for my first scan at 12 weeks, looking forward to seeing our baby and getting photos to show mum and brother and what we actually got was the news that what should have been a lively 12 week fetus was actually a six week old embryo with no heartbeat.
I say all this not to make you feel any worse than you do at the moment, I doubt that's even possible, but just to reassure you that you are not alone in experiencing some of the horrible surprises that pregnancy can offer. There a lot of us on these forums who have had these awful experiences so please dont feel alone. Both you and your partner have all our sympathies I know. It is an absolutely heartbreaking experience no matter what stage of pregnancy and what type of miscarriage it is.
So many ladies have gone on to have hapoy healthy pregnancies and if and when you are ready, I hope it is the same for you.
In the meantime, take time for yourselves and dont bottle your tears and emotions. You need to grieve, it's natural x

rps2392 so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately it seems that some ladies seem to have a mix of miscarriages and live births and you obviously fall into this category. It takes so much out of the joy of being pregnant when you are constantly worried I think. You just have to do what is right for you of course and I hope you get your rainbow baby if you choose to try again. X

So sorry for your loss.
I got pregnant the first time in my 30's too, after 4yrs TTC. I paid for the NIPT and unfortunately, the foetus had patau syndrome and we lost him at 12 weeks.
I then lost 2 more at 7 and 9 weeks. The last was after IVF and I'd seen a heartbeat only a week earlier. Further IVF rounds and no further pregnancies.

The way I got through, was thinking about the positives of my situation. I realise this sounds odd, but it helped me. Your positives will be different. Some of mine were:
-I lived in a country with generally, safe healthcare, access to ultrasounds and antibiotics if needed
-I had, and still do have a loving and supportive husband
-I was able to access IVF years later after further years of TTC (despite no actual cause for sub-fertility ever found).
-I was grateful that my losses were early on- before I was showing and before people would have asked more questions. I was glad I wasn't close to term or having a still birth
-I had good health and no reason to suspect I'd never conceive again

You might want to have a memory box- scan photos, 1st positive pregnancy test etc. Sometimes it helps to have a little ceremony. Write a letter to your baby, light a candle and say some words, plant a special tree in the garden etc.

I don't have any living children, but to have 3 losses is uncommon. Majority do have successful pregnancies after a loss.
Remember that you aren't alone Ami5 and this is not your fault.

The miscarriage society have some great info to help, plus a phone helpline. I'm also happy to answer any questions you might have x

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Edit- forgot to say. You can TTC again once all bleeding has stopped for at least 2 days apparently. I've been on mumsnet years, and there are cases where someone has TTC straight away- before getting a period after the loss and did get pregnant. It does seem though, that many of these pregnancies end in MC once again. Not all, there are some successes, but I do think the uterus needs to completely clear and then build a thick lining again. Personally, I waited for at least 1 period post the loss, before TTC again.

I'm sorry to read about what's happened OP. Our first was a missed miscarriage in our 20s. We never got to sit in a room and digest It after the scan. We had to sit next to couples hugging and smiling at their scan pics. I was a mess. It traumatized us that much we didn't try again to have children until our 30s. We now have three children and I still count the birthdays of our first. I wish you much strength 💐

Oh I’m so sorry! It’s sadly quite common (although has not happened to any of my friends!). I’ve had 5 miscarriages now and an ectopic. The first was horrible, oddly it gets better (for me, I can’t speak for anyone else), I haven’t kept any memory boxes (or similar), as in my mind they are cells that didn’t manage to multiply enough. Everyone copes differently, but I have always thought in that way (I am very much pro-choice), and I think that’s helped me through everything - it just wasn’t meant to be, it’s not my fault, it’s not my husband’s fault, it’s just nature.

We suffered two miscarriages, one at 16 weeks where we had to go through the 'labour' and the other at 7 weeks :(

We started trying about a month later but it took a few months before a positive test.

Our rainbow baby arrived after that though and she is now a blooming amazing three year old 💓

Be kind to yourself and one another, hopefully next time for you fingers crossed.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me it really does help knowing that you went on to have your little boy and I wish you all the blessings in the world for when you start trying again.

Thank you so much for sharing your story as well it really does help even a little bit just to hear from everyone else. My partner was crying again today and I just gave him the biggest hug he wants this so badly as do I but I'm doing everything I can in my power to stay positive x

Thank you so much for commenting here, I think we are going to start again in two or three months just to give ourselves time and to let my body recover as I'm still very much bleeding today and in a lot of pain. I wish everyone in this forum all the best wishes in the world for all of you who commented for me it really has lifted me today hearing from everyone x

Thank you so much for your advice on the positives I think this is something that we will look to do and I agree here I think we will wait a good three months before we try again to give myself an opportunity to get stronger internally and externally and to give my partner time to grieve in his own way x

Oh wow that's truly awful I'm so sorry, I think we were lucky in many ways as the staff we had were brilliant. They must have known it wasn't good news, but they did all they could to call in favours to get the doctors on call to come in for the scan and internals. They really did their best to help us and comfort us and even stayed late with us past 6pm so I couldn't have asked for anything else from their staff they were brilliant. I just didn't know where to look or what to do in the moment I was just crying and my partner waited until we got to the car when he just broke down. On a positive note he seems to be handling this better this evening and some of my pain has subsided so i am grateful for that and also thank you for sharing your story with me x

Bless you thank you for sharing this and its interesting to hear how others are coping in their own ways x

Thank you for sharing and that's so lovely that you now have a 3 year old. I have little neices and nephews who are quite young and I have been just skimming through my gallery and smiling and maybe one day we might be lucky enough to have one of our own x

Hi OP,
I can’t really advise on bouncing back just yet….I went for a scan at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. There had been at 6 weeks.
Had D&C on Monday, returned back to work today.
All feels quite surreal.
Sort of comes in waves, or moments of where I’d started to allow myself a little to think about a little one and then I remember I don’t need to think about that any more.
So no great words of wisdom other than to say you are not alone. Sending hugs.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. Like yours, my partner was also as upset as I was, and it was in some ways harder for him as there wasn’t much he could do to help me with the physical side (which for me lasted 2 months as it was a missed miscarriage), so he felt bad for that as well. We coped by trying again as soon as we could, and as the physical side took so long we had already processed losing the baby by then.

Five months later we were successful and had a healthy baby. There were lots of ups and downs during those 5 months though.

I’m here again following another missed miscarriage this summer. Hoping we will be successful again next time, and I hope you will too x

Bless you honey how wonderful that you have your five month old I'm here sending you all the best wishes and success in the world for next time x