Hi everyone. I've been with my husband for six years, married for just over one. We have both always wanted kids and started trying a few months after our wedding.
It took 6 months and we were both over the moon when I finally got a positive test, but a couple of weeks later I began suffering with extreme anxiety. It came out of nowhere and was horrendous, I could barely function. I'm still not sure what happened but it was unbearable.
I then had a miscarriage at around 8 weeks. I was upset but also partly relieved because I didn't feel capable of continuing the pregnancy or looking after a baby with that mental state.
It's been almost 2 months since the miscarriage and my anxiety has lessened a lot. However, even the thought of being pregnant again causes me to panic. I cannot imagine going through that horrendous anxiety again and I'm so scared it'll come back with another pregnancy. On top of that, the thought of another miscarriage makes me panic.
I don't know what to do now. My husband already wants to start trying again and while he's not pushing me, I genuinely don't know if I can do it again. I always thought I'd be a mum but I don't know if I want to/am capable of it anymore.
I'm just so so scared to go back to that dark place. I don't want the trauma of another miscarriage either/to see my husband so upset. I don't know what happened to me when I was pregnant but the chance of the anxiety happening again is enough to put me off.
In fact, my severe anxiety had begun to lessen before I even knew I had a miscarriage, so this makes me think even more that pregnancy hormones caused it and it's just going to happen again.
But, I know my husband wants kids. I know it'll likely be the end of our relationship if I don't want them anymore, and I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose him but that's not a good enough reason to have a baby for me now...