Termination at 22 weeks

[ABose]

My 20 weeks scan found anomalies with my baby It's breaking my heart to say that we decided to terminate my pregnancy at this stage. I am at my 22 weeks. Mentally I am devastated and dealing with the situation. I met a consultant yesterday and she told me about the termination process which is pathetic, I can't stop crying after I heard that they will stop baby's heart and then induce me for delivery. I am scared and mentally I can't take it any more. I know it's quite sensitive but anyone had experienced this before, if you can tell me how did your experience go that will give me a little bit of courage. Appreciate whoever reply to this thread.

I'm so sorry. I haven't had to go through this but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, @ABose and I will be thinking about you. Big hug. 💔

I haven't been through this personally but I have professional experience of this if that helps? Thinking of you, it's an awful decision to have to make ♥️

So sorry you are having to deal with this sadness. Take time to grieve for your baby.

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m afraid I don’t have advice but just wanted to say be kind to yourself and take care 💞x

Yes, I've been through it.

Sorry for your loss.

The one thing I regret is taking their advice to go for pethidine rather than an epidural. They said it was better as it helps with the emotional pain as well as the physical.

It didn't work for either. I just ended up zonked so didn't complain about the pain. The end result was that by the time the baby was born, I was too out of it to spend any quality time with him.

I would also recommend taking your own photos of the baby. We didn't (pre mobile phone) and the hospital took them the following day. By then his skin has started to slip (no body fat to hold it in place) so he looked awful in the photos whereas he looked lovely when he was born.

I had a medical termination at 23 weeks, the baby had no kidneys. I was given a pill to take which forced on early labour, at this point I opted for all pain relief I was offered. I had to go through labour which wasn’t easy, I did take music in and to this day certain tracks bring tears to my eyes. I opted not to see the baby but got cards with footprints from her.
For me one of the worst things was, nobody told me my milk would come in and buying breast pads was awful. My DM was away at the time otherwise she would have bought them for me.
Its was very tough but I knew I couldn’t carry a baby for 40 weeks that wouldn’t live.
Sending hugs, it’s an awful thing to have to go through.

In so sorry you are going through this, it truly was the worst time of my life. I wasn’t strong enough to give birth, my mental state was horrendous. I had D&E and was knocked out under general anaesthetic, therefore sadly I never got to see him or hold him. I did what I needed to st the time to survive. If you need to talk please don’t hesitate to message x

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It is truly heartbreaking. Haven't been through this so I don't really know what to say to help. I am sending you the biggest hugs. Your baby will forever stay in your heart.

if it is possible delay until 24 weeks where you will then qualify for maternity leave.
It may not be - but do if you can.

Heartbreaking 💔 So sorry this is happening to you.

I have a friend who went through this and understandably it was a traumatising process.

Could this not be done under a general anaesthetic so that psychologically it would be easier to deal with?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've not been through the same but I have lost babies in the 2nd trimester. I found a lot of support through Sands. I met and became friends with a couple of people who have been through TFMR on their forum.

I didn't get chance to prepare for our births but if I had I would have taken in a teddy or blanket or something special we had bought for them. Maybe some clothes you might want them to wear. I would have a think about if you would like to see them and hold them, and decide on a name. We hadn't discussed names properly and then doing it after they died was incredibly hard. And also have a think about if you want other family to meet them. I had my babies with me in a cold cot when family visited me in hospital and I think it was a bit of a shock for some of them. Our bereavement midwife at the hospital was just amazing. I don't know if your hospital has one you can speak to about what to expect.

Hey I'm so sorry this has happened. I terminated at 13 Weeks a few yrs ago after discovering abnormalities. I remember having to wait 2 weeks for the termination. That was so hard. That was so hard. Luckily I was still within limits to have a GA.
I opted to use contraception for a while after that as I was so traumatised. Then we had a healthy baby 3 yrs later. So that was a blessing.
I am so sorry you have to go through the birth. Life is so cruel. I hope you heal and get to celebrate happy events again very soon in the future. Your baby will live on your heart. Don't despair. You will get through this. Sending so much love to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. While I have been through a TFMR it was earlier. If they haven’t given you this info this charity are amazing and you can call when ever you like (today / tomorrow / a year from now) https://www.arc-uk.org

I have rang and just cried down the phone while making the choice and afterwards.

Please remember its not your fault and you aren’t alone

I am so truly sorry.

So incredibly sorry @ABose . We will all be thinking about you and your baby as you go through this heart-breaking experience.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks but the process was similar where I was induced with drugs and delivered. Sands are a good charity if you feel you need people to talk to after. They also do zoom bereavement groups. Give yourself time to be upset, nothing pathetic about it! My hospital offered a funeral but not all do before 24 weeks. It happened to me just over a year ago. I'm almost 34 weeks pregnant now and I do still think about the little girl I lost by it gets easier x

So sorry for you. Just a heads up, depending on exact circumstances it might be worth being somewhat economical with the full situation in real life. My friend lost multiple friends and shunned by relatives even as they felt she should have continued. I supported her through it, and know how cruel people were despite not being compatible with life. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve.

I have been here, at 18 weeks with my son who had disabilities incompatible with life.

Please seek some help from a counsellor to help you work through things. I didn't and it was only a few years later it built up for me with huge guilt after I had our daughter later on. And talk to your partner. I didn't, I clammed and bottled it all in and it did me and him no favours at all.

Have no expectations of yourself right now. Functioning is an achievement. Allow yourself all the time to grieve you need. We bought a memorial rose for our garden and some of our son's ashes are underneath it. Tending the rose brings me some peace.

Sending you unmumsnetty hugs, and the strength to go through this.

I had a TFMR with my 1st pregnancy due to Patau syndrome. I was earlier in the pregnancy than you. 1 thing I wasn't expecting was the waters to break. No idea why, but I thought it was something that happened full term, not earlier on.
If they give you the oral/vaginal meds mifepristone or misoprostol note that the side effects won't last forever. I got nausea and vomiting, diarrhoea and my temp was very high. My face looked like a beetroot. Paracetamol helped and it did settled. Its not a reaction, just common side effects from the meds.

I too was going to recommend ARC and SANDS. They also have ideas to honour you little one in time- memory boxes, writing them a letter, planting a tree/shrub, having a ceremony etc. There is a women in Aus who writes children's names in the sand and takes stunning sunset or sunrise photos.

As someone else upthread said, you certainly are no alone and this isn't your fault.

Qualifying week is 15 weeks before due date ... check date carefully. Good luck.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You do not know how you feel when the baby is born. You might want to keep them in the room with you for a while. You might want them to be taken more quickly. Know that every choice is completely ‘ok’.
I would suggest saying yes to any mementos they offer - foot print, photos etc. Even if you cannot face looking at them at the time. Ask someone you trust to then hold it all for you in case you want it in the future
Best wishes with all of it.

So sorry you're going through this

I'm an obs anaesthetist, the midwives with you are specially trained and will look after you really well

You can talk with Anaesthetics early for pain relief. Most will have a morphine pca so you're u
in control of admin via a long acting clicky button. You can have an epidural but from many years on labour ward people don't normally. You'll need an extra set of bloods for an epidural as slight increased infection risk so let them know early if you're considering it as the bloods need to be back before hand

You could have it under anaesthetic but it would typically be spinal not a GA via lw. But tbh in 8y I've only once taken a lady to theatre, all others attended to sort pain relief in the room

Labour ward should sort it (but if not your gp can) prescribe you drugs to stop your breast milk as that can be distressing

Hugs x

Thank you so much for all the messages. Those who have shared their experiences gave me a lot of courage to go through the situation so thank you!

All the procedures happened last week. I was in labour for 1 hr and delivered the baby very quickly. Firstly I thought what to do but then decided to see the baby. Thank God, I did. I named her Kizi and send off with the prayers. I also opted for post mortem so baby is in Oxford now for further tests, she will be back to my hospital early next week. I am not too sure about burial! First I opted for hospital one but they said wait time is 3 months and it will be done with other babies! Now I am changing my mind, thinking of arranging it by ourselves, may be I can get a closure.

@ABose oh my goodness, you've really been through it, I'm so sorry.

Blessings to little Kizi. 💔 And wishing you love and healing. Take good care of yourself. 💕

I am so sorry for what you are going through and am sending love to you, Kizi (beautiful name) and the rest of your loved ones.

As someone who has had had more than one hospital burial, I would honestly advise that if you can, get your own plot for Kizi.

One of my babies is in a Communal Baby Garden and even though we know roughly where she is, there's always that element of doubt and we also had the trauma of another parent repeatedly trashing her grave because they didn't like the small ornaments that we put there and were adamant that their son was in that exact spot. I was almost suicidal with it and even now, I don't find the comfort I once did.

If you get Kizi her own plot, you can make it as beautiful as you want - we call our baby's plots their "gardens".

Luckily the shared grave with our other baby is a smaller grave and he's buried with an adult and 6 other babies and the other families have been wonderful and we've clubbed together to make a lovely "garden" - but because it's a shared grave and the adult's relatives may still be alive, we're not allowed to place a headstone, even if we name every person in the grave.

I'm so sorry - sending you (and Kizi) love x