I lost my 2nd baby May 22, since then I finished my self employed business at the time because I couldn’t cope with facing the world and set up another one wfh, all going well. Financial wise, the house is paid for, cars are paid for, we’ve no debt at all and good savings, life should be amazing, I know how lucky we are. I also have an older DC who is primary school age.
We lost 2nd baby at 18 weeks, it devastated me. I finished my business, I was angry and argumentative all the time, I pulled away from everyone in my life and basically told all of my friends to completely leave me alone. If there was a pregnant woman or newborn baby around me in a shop or restaurant, I got up and left. I was having recurring nightmares, waking up screaming/crying/drenched in sweat for about 3 months after. I also didn’t wash, brush my teeth etc for a long time, I thought I hid it well, I took myself off alone when needed and screamed and cried in the car parked up, I was having suicidal thoughts and all I wanted was to be with my baby, I sought help and was diagnosed with PTSD and had intensive CBT. The nightmares stopped, I thought it had worked, and I do feel better than I did, however, the first thing I think about in the morning is the baby who should be here, when I go to sleep at night I think I should be tucking in two children. Everything I do in life, I think, there should be another person here with us. Do I need more therapy? I was recently assessed by a doctor (as I’m pregnant again - absolutely terrified this one won’t make it so I’m trying to hide bump in loose clothing) who said that I sounded ‘level-headed’ and that everything I thought and felt was completely understandable. I imagine it’s heightened by pregnancy hormones, however I still felt like this before I fell pregnant again.
Does this feeling always last? Everything in life is tinged with sadness. If we take DC1 out and Im distracted and find myself laughing, or having fun together, the overwhelming guilt when I snap back to reality makes me want to cry. I feel there’s a huge part of me missing, and the day I lost my baby in 2022, the whole world changed to me and my outlook on everything. I can’t ever imagine seeing life again like I did before, in a small way it’s been positive as all the trivial crap that I wasted time worrying about has disappeared, but it’s like other than my immediate family, I care for/about absolutely nothing.
Please be gentle, other than DH and DM I’ve never expressed this out loud before.