How can I get over this

[OnTheDrive]

I’ve recently suffered my second miscarriage at 12 weeks. Both miscarriages have been septic miscarriages, I have been extremely unwell on both occasions, needing ambulance treatment and a couple of weeks in hospital for recovery at a time.

We were consultant led for the most recent pregnancy, seeing consultants weekly from 5 weeks. Everything was perfect. Baby was scanned on the day of loss in the morning, everything was perfect and then a few hours later, loss occurred.

When we found out we were pregnant for 2nd pregnancy, my partner said this would be his last attempt at trying for a baby, as the stress of him seeing me so unwell last time and the sheer anxiety around ‘what if it all goes wrong’ was too much for him. Stupidly, in my pregnancy haze of excitement, I agreed with him.

We have a 3 year old DC already, with complex needs. We needed fertility treatment for them and for the subsequent 2 pregnancies which resulted in loss. We started our fertility journey in 2017 so it’s been a long long road.

My heart is telling me I am not ‘done’ having children. I long to give my DC a sibling. We kept all DC things from the newborn stage (clothing, sling, breast pump etc) which are piled around my home.

DH is saying he remains done. We have an appointment in a few weeks with consultant - I asked if he would reconsider if they could identify what is triggering the sepsis and subsequent losses but he will not even discuss this. He says he was anxious about trying again after our first loss and cannot run the risk of losing me, if I end up with sepsis again.

My head completely understands that. But my heart just can’t accept it. My beautiful DC is my world, and I feel guilty that I can’t feel it’s ‘enough’. I feel like I’m not only grieving my loss but the loss of my future. I don’t want to leave DH and start again with someone else - but I don’t want to feel resentment that he’s taking that chance away.

I feel so so angry. Rationally, we have a child, which is so much more than some people ever get. How can I come to terms with this?

I am aware I sound incredibly ungrateful, I feel guilty even writing this and feeling this way. I really thought this was our time, I had every faith it would work out. I feel incredibly lost right now. Any advice or guidance would be hugely appreciated - I apologise for how long this has turned out to be.

I can honestly 100% that I know how you feel. And so sorry that you are.

We suffered with unexplained secondary infertility after dc1 for over 7 years.

We had over 10 mc and 2 ectopics, one which ruptured, I was very lucky there weren't worse consequences. I could get pregnant but couldn't manage to stay pregnant. We had every test available that was offered. Both on the NHS and privately.

Due to the ectopic pregnancies and the increased risk of having a third or more made ivf unsuitable and potentially more dangerous for us.

Sadly, it just wasn't happening and we hit a brick wall.

H decided he didn't want to try or continue with trying for a second in any way, shape, or form, and that the age gap was getting too big to be easily managed. He was also stressed and anxious about my health and having to run the house, work and look after dc1 on his own while I recovered.

I became depressed, resentful, and despondent. I blamed him for taking away my second opportunity to be a mother, a potential sibling away from dc1, and that he was taking the easy way out. Because, I felt like it was all about me. I didn't stop to think about how seeing me go through loss after loss and having a potentially deadly pregnancy was affecting him or my child.

I was in a bubble of pure misery. It took me a couple of years to fully come to grips with it. But, in the end, I did. We had several heart to hearts with both of us breaking down before I understood how selfish I was being. I was only looking at it from an angle that meant he was the one stopping me/us from exploring further possibilities. I didn't sent to see him hurting anymore and I was recklessly throwing away a good marriage, husband and was most likely causing damage to dc1 with the bickering, arguing, and being withdrawn from eachother.

We worked on our marriage, went to counselling and grew stronger as a couple and a family.

I was happy for the first time in years. Genuinely.

Then disaster struck. I fell pregnant completely unexpectedly and unplanned. Massive fail. Our anxiety was through the roof, we spiralled and nearly split up several times. It was a very high risk pregnancy, I had to give up work very early on. We had appointments every other week through out. Scans galore and it didn't look good. Baby was measuring very small and I was having unexplained bleeding throughout. Infections and pain. Plus other issues pregnancy related.

Long story shortened. We had our second. I feel absolutely truly blessed (I hate that cliche but nothing else fits) baby 2 is our miracle. It's been harder this time around. The anxiety is still there in the background more so than with dc1, like I'm on edge waiting for something I can't explain.

I'm not sharing this with you to gloat or say that horrible thing that others say...you know the one, where everyone says..." it's because you relaxed and weren't stressed ..." I'm sharing this because, after a huge amount of soul searching and knowing that my marriage, my husband and dc 1 were worth more than a "what if..." they were worth fighting for and accepting that we would only have one child. I was grateful and appreciated that we had more than many people.

You can be happy and accept what is. It's just a long and painful road to get there. Allow yourself time to grieve and process everything. Speak to your husband, chances are he's grieving to. Try not to allow resentment to cloud your relationship.

@MillshakePickle Thankyou so much for your in depth and considered reply, and I’m so sorry for your own experiences of loss.

Your perspective is really insightful - you are right that my husband and DC need to remain my focus, I am so lucky to have them both. I just don’t know how to stop the yearning feeling and the realities such as selling the baby items around the house.

@OnTheDrive I'm so sorry for your losses, and the fact that you had sepsis from both of them. From the little I understand it's really rare to develop sepsis from miscarriage, and it must have been so scary for both you and your other half to experience that not once but twice.

I think it sounds like you could benefit from counselling together as a couple to talk things through. It's such an emotionally charged subject, and sometimes having that independent third party can help have the difficult conversations you need to have.

I don't think the yearning will ever fully go away. I think it changes and adapts somewhat. If I could, I'd have another 2, but I know it's far too risky, and with age, the risk only increases. I don't feel done, but I know I have to be.

Don't try to stop that yearning feeling. Accept that it's part of you and how to go with the flow. Sorry, it's so badly worded - I know what I mean and hope one day, you'll understand what I'm getting at.

As for selling the baby gear. For me - it helped to just get it done. I started with donating the clothes and things like that. The bits that are easy and cheaper to replace. It felt less final thab selling. Then I moved onto the bigger items when ready. The hardest one to shift will be the first and for me brought back all the emotions that I thought I had gotten through.

Take your time and begin sorting that out when you're ready. And there's also nothing wrong with getting your h to do it of you don't feel up to it.

I'll give context by saying that we tried for 5 years and had 5 failed IVF transfers for my daughter before the 6th worked. We started the IVF journey again when she was 10 months old as I was desperate to have another and suspected it wouldnt be an easy path.

The IVF failed, but then we unexpectedly got pregnant naturally when my daughter was 13 months. Couldn't believe this would happen to me, the universe giving me a free baby for everything we'd gone through! I miscarried at 16 weeks. No medical reason, and we were absolutely utterly devastated. Fell pregnant again 3 months later, couldn't believe it and was cautiously optimistic as there was no reason for the last one. Miscarried at 15+5, again no medical reason. Fell pregnant again 3 months later and it was a scar ectopic. 4 months of treatment and monitoring, absolutely numb.

Pregnant again and got my baby. I'm probably still in the selfish bubble because I don't know when I would have accepted that I wasn't going to get another baby. The only thing that got me through all that loss was being pregnant and having the hope of a baby. I still feel it now, he's 5 months old and I long to have another, it's bizarre. We're both utterly traumatised I guess. I feel sick when I see sonogram pictures, I anxious when people announce pregnancies. I really wish I could switch off the part of my brain that is still searching for something.

I feel very strongly that wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful. Why shouldn't you be allowed to have the number of children that you want like everyone else, and be able to stop when you want to rather than give up for your sanity or your marriage. I do feel sorry that my husband had to worry about me, but I don't see how that's more valid than my feelings of loss for our baby and the family I've always envisioned. Why is it selfish for you to want more, but not him to deny you the chance?

I don't know if it's helpful, but I absolutely understand how you feel and however we manage it, I hope we find our peace. I'm realising in my case at least, it might not be as simple as getting to have another baby

Thankyou everyone for the replies - it’s such a difficult topic to navigate and I have no idea how I ‘should’ be feeling but it’s really comforting to know that it’s normal to feel such a mix of emotions and feelings right now.

Its so difficult because my husbands feelings are equally as valid as mine and I would never want him to go along with trying for further pregnancies if he was not fully on board. I feel strongly that a child should ideally be wanted by both parents, it’s such a big decision.

I just feel like I’m grieving the future I thought I’d have. And feel so jealous of others who seemingly are able to pop out children so easily. I feel ashamed of my body, that it isn’t able to do something so natural as carry a baby to term.

You are absolutely grieving the future you wanted, planned and worked hard towards.

The path of grief is not linear, it's painful and difficult and at times irrational.

Be kind to yourself and your DH. Book some couples therapy so you have a safe space to talk it through with your raw emotions.

I was heartbroken being sterilised even though I knew it was the right/best decision. The desire for DC can be all consuming on every level.