Brothers pregnancy announcement

[Mamashark93]

Hey,
I'm looking for some honest advice.
A bit of background about me is in the past 9 months I have unfortunately had two miscarriages.
I am very fortunate however to have two beautiful boys.
I have been struggling to come to terms with my miscarriages and the emotional pain has been difficult to deal with. I am currently speaking to a councillor every week to work through some of my thoughts and feelings. I have spoke often to my family about the difficulties I am facing.

Last week, my brother arrived unannounced with his wife. I was caught off guard as this is unusual behaviour.
I went to make cups of tea in the kitchen and when I came back through my 6 year old was holding a 12 week scan photo. (he was confused and thought it might have been my baby as no one had explained to him.)

I immediately congratulated them and gave them huge hugs.
It is completely true that I am excited for and happy for them. They are good people who will be lovely parents and there is going to be a beautiful baby joining our family. Of course lovely news.
However, once they had left memories of my scans confirming my miscarriages came flooding back.
I also found out my mum and dad have known for weeks.
My mum had told me that it she was to find out they were expecting she would tell me in advance so I had time to gather my emotions prior to being told.
She chose not to. I'm unsure if this was my brother's wishes or if she didn't want to hurt me but I feel so betrayed.

I think this is complicated. I will never let my family know the pain I have felt the past few days as I don't want to taint a beautiful thing. I am realistic and I know this isn't even about me. It is their pregnancy announcement.
I also know that I was likely to find this hard regardless.

My question really is: do I have a right to be hurt and disappointed that I feel there was no compassion or empathy towards me in this situation.
I wish they had contacted me prior to coming to visit so I'd at least have an inclination that this is what they were going to tell me. I also wish my mum had pre warned me.

My brother and his wife are expecting their first child. Thankfully they have never experienced miscarriage so I appriciate it is hard to empathise with the complex feelings it brings. I do feel traumatised about my son handing me the scan picture and I feel so hurt that I feel no one thought how this might impact me.

Am I making this all about me? I don't even want to speak to my family right now and I know that maybe is wrong.
I don't know how to speak to them about this without being perceived as petty or selfish.

Thank you x

Hey @Mamashark93 so sorry you went through such a tough time. I understand you…I had 3 miscarriages lately and I know the pain… I think ur feelings are normal…I’d probably feel the same…It’s not about them or u not being happy for them…it’s just u grieving ur losses…sending u a hug and wishing u all the best 🌈

Um, I do absolutely get you. I have a very close friend who has had some very difficult times in life. She knew all about my MMC and how it was found at my 12 week scan etc. This was my first pregnancy and i still have nightmares about that day. I have since had one chemical but no sign of a success yet,
The thing is she announced her pregnancy to me by putting her hand in her bag, saying "Guess what" in a very excited way and producing her 12 week scan photos from the bag! I was really shocked to be honest. I realise that she had to tell me somehow but, after me telling her that had happen to me, I was pretty horrified that she chose to do it the way she did.
The thing was, I had to bite my tongue very hard! I had to blink a good few times to keep the years away and try to laugh and smile joyfully while I was feeling like I would really rather have been run over by a bus than heard that news that way. Since then we have met once, with me trying to avoid looking at her bump and this time she brought photos from her maternity shoot!! I think I cooed with all this purely because I knew she had had some hard times, although not fertility or pregnancy related.

The purpose to me saying all this is that I have very much concluded, through the above and other experiences, that other people dont have a bloody clue. They hear you but they dont feel you, so to speak. They can sympathise but not empathise. If you dont have the experience it appears you cant even begin to feel the pain. I think we just need to keep this in mind and try to figure out a way of blocking their lack of empathy out, easier said than done, I know!!

Unless your brother had no idea about your previous miscarriages and assumed your family was complete with your 2 boys, I do think it's pretty insensitive to announce their pregnancy by producing a scan photo. Even more so if they did this whilst you weren't even in the room, potentially confusing your 6 year old.

It sounds like that wasn't their intention but I can see how this could be hurtful. Given the circumstances, they could have told you more discreetly and given you time to process in private first.

I'm sorry for your losses, and am glad you are getting help. I think you're right to focus on your good fortune - you have two healthy children.
I don't think they did anything wrong. People are going to have successful pregnancies and it's tough, but you need to work through this with your counsellor.