Baby death - 6 years and waiting for inquest

[Yorkshiremummy2023]

Hi

My son died at 23 hrs old in 2018, following a birth over a number of days were I was turned away from hospital, not listened to, given poor care and lead to him being born via emergency c section in a poorly state and died 23hrs later. Although the hospital admitted failings they wouldn't commit to any changes in procedure to prevent future death. We have waited 6 years now for his inquest to be held and it has been harrowing the trust have delayed and delayed the process at everyturn. We are now awaiting medical reports to be sent to us from 3 experts who have reviewed our case that were appointed by the coroner last September to give findings on what happened. I have another son, but I'm not the same person that I was before all this happened to us. I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression which has meant that we have both lost relationships with friends and family over the last 6 years and now I feel very isolated. My mum doesn't recognise what happened to us and all she can say is she doesn't know why I'm not the same person that I was. But I've never got on with her and have always struggled with that relationship, it's just now even harder. I struggle to make new friends with this hanging over us. I have had counselling several times over years but they struggle to help because we are in such a long limbo of uncertainty. 10 years ago I found my dad after a stroke, he had schzophrenia ans had stopped taking his meds due to paranoia, my mum has always had learning difficulties. I had 4 miscarriages before my son that died was born over several years but always managed to carry on with my life around all this and still be who I was. My sons death stopped all that it destroyed me.I was working in a senior role at a bank but had to give that up as my anxiety was too much to continue. I went back to uni and worked part time in an industry I've always wanted to work in and have completed a degree over that time. Finished this summer with a first degree. I thought it would help me regain my confidence to even walk through the door again and fight back for a life it has in a lot of ways. But I still had the same issues at uni struggling to make close bonds with people, my grief related to my son was still there with me and it was hard to relate to others and friendships were more superficial rather then long lasting. i don't know how anyone can help but just needed to share how down iam. I keep trying to get up off my knees and fight for a life again for our living son now but the stress of the inquest and reoccurring trauma related to that just keeps knocking me back down. Everyone's forgotten what happened to us and I don't know how iam supposed to keep going. I can't keep putting a face on all the time for everyone else. Everything I try to do doesn't seem to make me feel any better I just feel so empty inside. I just feel so down inside and don't want to carry on. I grieve for who I was before a strong resilient person and can't adjust to who iam now, nothing seems to help me feel better about myself. Ive put on weight since his death that I can't loose no matter how hard I try, I've tried to work on the inside out doing a course and I still feel so sad. I could have died with my son that day because everything went wrong and in someway I just feel like I shouldn't be here. Mayve that's why nothing helps. I should have died with him. I think a lot of it is to do with me liking myself now but I have an elderly parent and have to give so much time and effort to her emotionally due to her learning difficulties. I don't feel I can cope.

This is a lot OP. Are you still with your partner? And how old is your surviving son? (I can't tell if he was born before or since the death of your son)

have you tried joining specific support groups for people in similar situations? Online or real life groups for beeeaved parents? Parents who have gone through the same?

you mention your mum having learning disabilities. You might also find it helpful again to talk to others in similar situations.

I have had a complex life with lots of different care responsibilities. It's only recently I've used social media more to connect with others in very similar circumstances. This enables you to talk and get experience from people who absolutely get it, and I felt a lot of relief when it meant I could stop trying to explain to those who didn't understand. 💐

No advice but I didn't want to read and run. There's so much pain and unresolved trauma in your story. I hope the inquest will happen soon and bring you some closure. I suspect that some kind of therapy is needed to work through this before you are able to move forward though.

@Justyouwaitandseeagain my son is 4 and was born just iver a year after my sons death.

It did help being in bearevement groups in the past but with the inquest taking so long it's like I can't even relate to those parents fully now. They all have started to move on and we just fully can't.

Thanks for the suggestion about joining a group for caring though around my mum. I will try that it may help. It feels like it's just a responsibility I can no longer cope with on top of everything else. She needs so much from me and always had. Up to my sons death I feel like I could cope with that but since his death its been a lot harder and only gotten harder for me emotionally. She doesn't seem to recognise what we have been through that I may need her. It's always what I have done or haven't done for her more often then not and just adds to how down I feel like a vicious cycle. I used to be able to cope with that though, but since his death I have hit a wall I just can't anymore.

Thank you @AltitudeCheck I appreciate that very much

You've been through so much trauma, I'm so very sorry to hear it. I can't understand your mum's lack of acknowledgement for the intense grief you've experienced after losing your baby except to wonder if she is from a generation that buried their feelings under the carpet and maintained a stiff upper lip? Repression of emotions is not the way to address grief and loss. I hope you're able to find a counsellor or psychologist to speak with. Have you been in touch with any of the baby loss charities?
I'm so sorry for your loss and your lack of family support.

@TheRealMummyPig thank you very much! My dad's always been ill and we we're told we coukdnt talk about that with anyone as children as there was shame around mental health back then. So I guess I have been forced to repress my emotions my entire life and learned these bad habits that I can't do any longer. I haven't actually spoken with a charity for a long time about my son but yes I may try that as well they may be able to help with this specific situation . I keep having these waves that I don't want to live any more, like I'm cursed. My son now stops me doing anything but I don't like having these thoughts about myself. I feel like I've always worked and tried to contribute to society overcome what I was given as a child. I didn't want sympathy. But losing my son broke me I think like why me after everything else and deep down I just can't get past that feeling that nothing I ever do will just be happy. Im not allowed to just be happy like everyone else. It's not helped how long the inquest has gone on its been very crushing to us on every level. Were going on holiday today and again I'm going to have to put a face on and i think it's getting so much harder to do. Thank you though

Oh my goodness. It is outrageous that there has been such a delay in the inquest for you. Have you written to your MP? They are there precisely to apply pressure and support you in this way. Hoping that you can get closure soon with the inquest.

You have done so well obtaining a new degree, whilst also becoming a mum too. We can't ever go back to be the person that we were pre trauma. However you can and have started to rebuild a new you. Wishing you strength and peace as you move forward.

Sorry. Cross posted. I hear your deep deep sadness. TheRealMummyPig speaks wisely. Echoing all that she says.

Losing a child is more than enough to break anyone. It's likely the worst grief imaginable for most people. He will always be a part of your life as you were his mother. If you're kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve then over time you will gradually feel more glimmers of happiness. It's so hard putting on a brave face for others. Try and allow yourself a few minutes a day where you acknowledge your loss and how it makes you feel. Try to speak to yourself like a loving friend. 🩷

@Notquitegrownup2 we have spoken with our MPs (we have had 3 over the time period) referening party just to distinguish them, the 1st Labour MP we spoke with more to do with the care I recievdd at that stage spoke about my case in Parliament, the 2nd tory MP didn't ever meet with us and would only contact over email. He did chase the court a couple of times for us though via email and the third new mp labour has said he will meet with us when the report arrives. The delays have been due to the NHS trust involved they have delayed and delayed presenting to evidence to the court as long as they could get away with. The court were sympathetic to them due to covid as it ran over that period but over the last two years have been summoning the trust via the police to present evidence by strict deadline or face risk of serious penalties. Even what happened to us has got lost in all the delays now, I don't even talk about that anymore even when I do talk about it. Our son would have been 6 in November and it hurts like he'll that we have no resolution and that the one place that should care even more then ourselves about protecting other babies and mothers doesn't and quite happy to pressure us into just dropping the whole thing.

I am so sorry about the loss of your son and everything you have been through since.

Do you have a solicitor acting for you?

Thank you @TheRealMummyPig I need to hear to be kind to myself because I'm just not. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't get back to who I was and I guess the issues I'm having coping with my mum now. She doesn't understand that I've changed I can't be the sponge to her problems in the same way I was, I can't be the one always to make her happy, cheer her up, keep her going. I need that too. I've hit a wall. I think it's the dread of of experts report into our sons death and the obvious trauma that will bring, that could land with us anytime and I'm trying to prepare myself for what it will bring. I need to focus on my own Wellbeing for a while. I really want to have some space to do that. Thank you for your kind words and care I needed it today.

Hi @mirrorlife we do. We actually didn't for first 6 months of his death because I thought the hospital would investigate and come up with solid actions to prevent future death that was all I was focused on but I was wrong. We put ourselves through more trauma going to the hospital to meet with them to allow them to investigate only to find that they highlighted numerous breaches in NICE guidelines but wouldn't put actions in place that were preventative. We had to chase them repeatedly to even get their report into his death. The actions were very obvious in terms of what they needed to do based on their own findings. I was still myself at the start very strong resilient person, I was determined I didn't want this to happen to anyone else. But the longer it's gone and the more they have gotten away with, the total lack of respect for us as grieving parents, the harder it's been to keep going and carry the weight of it of seeing the inquest through and his death meaning something in terms of not letting it happen to another baby.

I'm glad that you have someone representing you. It is outrageous how you have been treated, I really feel for you.

Has your solicitor been helpful? They should be supporting you and pushing things forwards.

This is dreadful I've never heard of an inquest taking so long. I'm so sorry you have faced such an extreme delay and for what happened to you baby son. Absolutely anyone would be struggling to cope with this.

They have to be honest, I think Covid caused some delay in terms of the court giving them additional extensions due to this and not allowing time and more time. Untill they too go frustrated two years ago and started summoning the hospital for the delays. We are now in a waiting process for the medical report objective experts we're appointed by the court last September. It is very unusual for the court to appoint 3 medical experts usually it is just one which is a good thing for us it may mean we do get answers to some of our questions but the process for the report is a common part of an inquest it is the delays up to this point that are unusual. I have questioned 100 times over if I can keep going. But were so close now to the end so have to dig deep and find it inmyself to get through it.