Mentally can’t get over my miscarriages

[85Han]

I have had two miscarriages in the last 10 months, one was a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and another that I’m just recovering from was an ectopic pregnancy. Last year from positive test to negative took 3 months, and this year from positive test until we can try again will be 4.5 months (methotrexate used to can’t conceive for 12 weeks). Both miscarriages involved a lot of medical intervention and have been anything but straightforward.

I am inherently a different person to who I was 10 months ago and not for the better. I constantly think of how old my baby would be, what stage we would be at, what we should be doing each day. I pine for a baby, I find myself staring at babies or mums and babies in public. Of course I don’t want their baby, I want my baby, and every other baby reminds me that I don’t have my baby.

I am blessed with an amazing 5 year old who was conceived extremely easily, and he is the light of my life, I know I am extremely lucky to have him, but I dream of him having a little sibling and the perfect age gap we dreamed of is a distant memory now. I think back to my carefree pregnancy with him, and know that I’ll never have that again, as even if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again it will be filled with nothing but fear and worry, and not excitement.

Most of the time I can’t think of much else, and I know I am missing out on so much as my life is so great, but I’m fixated at how unlucky we’ve been with two such complex and awful miscarriages (I know none are nice, but getting through the entire first trimester being sick each day, feeling horrendous and getting to your scan to find it was all for nothing is a special kind of hell of it’s own).

I know people have it worse than me, and I know I’m being unreasonable, and I should be so thankful for what I do have, and I am so thankful, but I’m also so sad. I’m so sad my body has twice failed me, and that this could happen all over again. I don’t know how I get over this nostalgia of ‘what if’.

I'm so sorry for your losses @85Han. I had a MMC of a twin pregnancy in April so I can relate to the pain you've experienced. Firstly please let me assure you that you're not being unreasonable in any way shape or form. What you've been through is like a living nightmare. Physically and emotionally, the toll that these losses have had on you, your body, your spirit. It's beyond devastating. It's wonderful that you feel so happy and grateful for your son, but in spite of that, you're clearly struggling with the losing these two babies. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? Perhaps getting in touch with your GP, or would some private counselling be an option for you to be able to work through things? I hope you have some supportive family and friends around you too. This isn't something to keep bottled up as it will eat away at you. I wish I had words that could fix everything and help you feel better, but please know that you're not alone. And seeking some support may be a first step in helping you to process what you've been through. Sending love and strength ❤️

I understand that, OP. My first pg was a MMC. It haunted me for the next 2 pgs. I still wonder about that baby and it's been more than a decade.

I'd honestly suggest some counselling, ideally private if that's affordable for you, look on the BACP website for someone local who specialises in miscarriage/fertility. it made such a big difference for me. In particular to help you adjust your own expectations around the age gap, and realise there's no 'perfect' age gap, and you have zero control over that.

So sorry @85Han I am in a similar situation. 1 MMC and 1 partial molar pregnancy in last 9 months, trying to conceive my first. I constantly think about what if. And worry for the future. I have tried counselling with someone from the EPU but didn’t get on with it, but private may be better.
Sorry I don’t have much advice, but you aren’t alone xx