Second trimester loss help

[Lemonyfire]

Breaking my heart having to post this, but no amount of information from the hospital is preparing me for what will happen.
I found out yesterday that my baby has died at nearly 16 weeks and have opted for medical management so took the first tablet last night to soften my cervix. I go back on Saturday morning to finish the process. I can't fault the hospital ( aside from being left in a&e for 7 hours as they didn't know what to do with me). The gynae doctors that had to break the news at 11pm were so kind and compassionate. The midwife on the bereavement suite that had to talk us through what will happen and take my bloods and give me the tablet was amazing. I think I've not fully processed it. We told the kids and that was horrific. I've told as many people as I can so that no one messages me. I had a fitful night sleep and every time I woke up I had a little moment of bliss but in reality it's making me feel ill knowing my baby has died inside me and I can't do anything right now.
I had two failed vaginal births and I know it will be nothing like full term birth but I'm scared and I don't know what it will be like.
This is my third loss and I feel like we have to be done now trying for a third baby as it's not meant to happen and I don't know if I can go through this again.
I don't really know what the point of this post is but if anyone has experienced this too I would love to hear your experiences and anything you found helpful

I'm so sorry 🌺

Not the same situation, I know, but we found out our baby had problems in the second trimester and took the decision to TFMR. I also had medical management to give birth to our little boy at 16 weeks.

My labour lasted about 4 hours.

Lean on the hospital staff as much as you need to. The midwives were fabulous with me and made the whole process so much more bearable. Our son was obviously very small at 16 weeks but the hospital staff dressed him in little clothes and we were able to spend 2 days with him before going home. (You may decide not to do this which is perfectly fine. The midwives will probably talk through all your options with you and give you lots of opportunity to change your mind). For us, this helped enormously.

We took lots of photos. You may not want to do this but, if you're not sure, it might be better to take them and ask for them to be put away somewhere in an envelope - at least you have the option to look at them later once you feel able. I have looked back at the photos a couple of times since when I've needed to.

My mum bought a blanket which we wrapped him in when he was born. I kept that blanket as it smelled of him and bought a second one to wrap him in in his coffin.

We're not religious but I made a last minute decision to get a minister to come and give him a little blessing. It may sound silly but I needed to know someone would look after him in heaven and this helped me. I didn't think of this at the time but I wish I'd taken a story book with me to read him a story.

I'm saying all this but I know lots of people don't feel able to meet their baby when they're born sleeping and this is also perfectly fine. You need to do what feels right. I thought I'd share my experience in case it gives you some practical things to think about ahead of time.

Take as much time as you need to grieve afterwards. The hospital referred me to Petals for counselling which may be helpful for you.

If you have any questions please feel free to message me.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, its coming up to 15 years since I lost my little girl at 15 weeks and 2 days.
I don't have much advice although it's stayed with me for ever. I had started to bleed, so the doctor arranged for a scan the next morning, but in the early hours I began what felt like proper labour and I went to A&E.
I had a labour of 2 hours and my baby was born still in her sac so I never got to see her. The hospital were so kind, they did ask me but at the time I couldn't. I really wish, after all these years, that I had. So that may be something to consider - I don't know how common it is for the water around the baby not to break.
We had a quiet service in the hospital Chapel a couple of days later and the ashes were scattered at the children's memorial garden at the Crem, it's comforting to have a place you can visit.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Thank you both so much for your replies. Just hearing other experiences is so helpful. I just feel like I'm all over the place, I go from thinking it will be okay to utter devastation and then sheer panic about the delivery and then all over again.
I know I will be okay, but it just feels like I never will be again

@Lemonyfire thinking about you this morning. I hope things go as well as they can for you. Reach out if you need anyone to chat to. Take care.

Please come back and let us know you're okay later, I'll be thinking of you too.

Thinking of you @Lemonyfire and will be sending you lots of love and strength today x

I’m really sorry to read this @Lemonyfire sending you strength

Thank you all. They called me in yesterday and after one pessary I started contracting and then by the second one it was Intense, only 3 hours and one push and our little girl came out in her sac. Gas and air was enough for me as strange as it sounds I needed the pain to help me process and connect. I had to have manual removal of retained products post but it was okay.

She was so small, and her colour had changed due to her dying a few days ago but she was absolutely perfect. when they opened the sac my husband cut the cord and she was curled up so peacefully, hands under her cheek and little ankles crossed. We called her Millie and spent about 6 hours holding her, touching her, doing footprints and handprints. We got a memory box and we wrapped her up in my husbands blanket that our two living children also had, as well as a tiny teddy.
We didn't sleep with her in the room as because she had been moved to be weighed and measured her position had changed and it was less peaceful and I wanted the memory of her looking like she was sleeping. I also thought it may be painful to wake up with my baby in her cot and not be taking her home. We said goodbye this morning, it's the right time, her little body is changing despite the cold cot and it's time ❤️

Ah @Lemonyfire I have a tear in my eye reading this. I hope your memories of Millie looking peaceful and the time you spent with her help you process your grief in the coming weeks and months. A beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.

Look after yourself and sending you lots of strength x

That experience has really touched home and I'm really glad you have managed to turn the heartbreak into something positive and meaningful.
Like you, I also had two dc already so it was hurtful for them too, my ds hid it very carefully from us until one day I was called into school as he was breaking down there.
I don't know how old your dc are but maybe something to be mindful of, keep communicating with them.
I did go on to have another in time, and she knows all about it now. We've looked at the memory box I did, and she knows where to find it if she needs to.
Lots of love to you.

Thank you all so much
@aSpanielintheworks my other children are 11 and 8 so old enough to understand and feel sad.
I've been signed off work for a month but in all honesty don't know if I can go back. I had an early miscarriage there in January too and I just think I can't shake the way it will feel to go back.
If you don't mind me asking- how did you manage being pregnant again? I'm a long way off this- even discussing if we would try again, but I can't even imagine how I would ever feel comfortable being pregnant again

@Lemonyfire mine were 9 & 11 so very similar.
It was my first mc and I just remember dh wrapping his arms round me afterwards and saying could we try one more time.
I was pregnant again by the second month, it was fraught with exactly the same symptoms, random bleeds up until week 15. I felt no bond, just a complete sense of detachment that this baby wasn't going to hang on either. Every time I went to the toilet I was expecting to find blood.
I don't think those feelings subsided until 18 weeks when I started to feel her, and then the feelings just flooded in.

For me, the only thing that was going to fill that void was being pregnant again, I just didnt even question whether that was it, but everyone will cope with loss differently.
I think just go with your gut instinct, give yourself some time for now, and your heart will let you know of you're ready, and if you're not, then that's fine as well. Hope you're feeling ok.