'Medical birth' (loss/abortion) at 23 weeks.

[NotGrandmother]

My heart goes out to anyone else in this place.

My daughter was compelled to end her much wanted pregnancy - over Christmas. (In short, her baby's heart had not developed and there was no hope for life after birth but only suffering for the baby if she went ahead with natural birth.)

We are all devastated by the loss and by her suffering and that of her DH. We (parents and sibling) were there after the birth and held her baby and stayed with her and her DH. We talked and cried together as families do and we were part of the saddest of 'funerals' for those counted as not quite alive.

She has accepted any help offered by health service and really caring charities and been met with wonderful kindness at the hospital and beyond. The system can be tender.

She has had counselling but that ended this week (as other people needed the time and she is not one to demand more than her share of anything).

She has found that she just about deals with life and work and getting on ...but that now, suddenly, she is no longer 'numb'. The pain of this bereavement is all present.

Counselling was helping her release some of the grief and distress while not adding to that of those who love her(her feeling on this - not ours). We talk but there are many parts of this I know that she is not sharing with me or other family.

Going forward, how can I help her? Is there anything I can do or find for her? Can I help in the way the counsellor was? What can I ask or say?

I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been such a difficult experience for your daughter, and it must have been really hard to see her go through this.

If the counselling was working, is private therapy an option for a while?

Thank-you Sagittarius.
I think private therapy might be a help.

She can usually talk to her sis - or to me- about anything but this is so different.

I'm sorry for your family's loss. You sound like you have been a great support to your daughter.

After my own loss I found I needed the support of others who had been through the same thing. I found a group of people on the Sands forum and we started our own WhatsApp group. I know Sands also have local meetings, a helpline, befriending etc. Other local charities might do the same. I wonder if the befriending might be a helpful option for her.

Sorry to hear of your families loss.

I’ve had two mid-trimester miscarriages. Both times I really needed to look forward and try for another baby. This was particularly important for me after my first as it was also my
first pregnancy so I didn’t know if it would keep happening.

What happened to me will
always be difficult and left me with a sadness but I had to stop looking back and look forward.

Thank-you Wrongside and Dark. I'm sorry you had this too.

I'd like to be a support -and will keep trying - but have realised that there is little I can do that actually helps.

I can see that you are right and that she needs the understanding that comes from others who have been through this. She is involved with Sands - online because she is in a rural place.