You don't have a clue what it’s like to have three children - open your eyes!

[runningpram]

This was said to me today by a close relative during an argument. This person knows I've had a series of miscarriages in the last few years- some of which have coincided with their own children being born. On one occasion I was even looking after their other DC while they were at the birth and I was in the early stages of a MC.

I am lucky to have one DC and thought i was ok with this but this has really knocked me for six.

They regularly remind me that I can’t understand what life is like now they have three beautiful kids and rant at me if I forget their birthdays. I do realise I am a bit rubbish here - although always do get them a gift - but life does take over and there are another four on the other side to remember too.

Today I was sent a list of my various failings somewhat put of the blue by this relative, I pushed back and they made the comment above. I definitely don't get everything right. I am forgetful and very busy but I do try very hard to do my best. However this has really triggered my feelings around these losses. It feels as though while my relative’s kids are (understandably) the centre of attention my own poor babies have been forgotten. I did mention this to relative and they have failed to respond.

Just feel v distressed by all this. Has anyone else experienced similar some time after experiencing a loss?

This is awful, you poor thing.

I think the starting point is that being presented with a list of failings in any circumstance is awful, regardless of anything else.

For them be so generally unaware of your situation is very upsetting too.

It strikes me that they are very selfish, self-cantered and self-righteous. Which is not pleasant.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought, this is their failing not yours. And I definitely would not be making any effort to change how I am in response to this: it is simply bullying and you should ignore it.

You were sent a list of your failings?Who does that??

They sound very toxic

To be fair, they were annoyed that I was disorganised about something but it turned into them telling me how they managed to be organised with three kids and I couldn’t possibly understand what life was like with only one kid.

Thats not really fair

I would tell this person to go fuck themselves.

That is completely and utterly shit OP. I’m so very very sorry for your losses.

Hmm. I'm useless at birthdays, so I have managed expectations with friends and relatives with multiple children, and said, don't expect anything ever.

If I see something a child I know might like, then that child, and their entire sibling set, get a random date, unexpected gift at some stage in a year, or every other year, or twice a year, or whatever.

I only do whole sibling sets together. Never birthdays, as I am always worried I will remember one sibling and not another, later on in the yar. If children ask me why I haven't given them a birthday present, I tell them exactly why

I am both sad and astonished that anyone could think of saying that, whatever the circumstances, to someone who has suffered miscarriages. Your rightful response should he ave been ...you don't have a clue what it's like to suffer miscarriage after miscarriage. Open Your eyes.

So sorry for your losses op. 💐

Her choice to have three kids has nothing to do with you. It is true you don't know or what it's like to have three kids - so what?
I'd step way back from this person. Seems like they are using you as you only have one child to pick up the slack in their (however well organised they think it is) life.

What a selfish arsehole.

I would be tempted to send them a piece from the heart on how it was to hope and plan and pour all your feelings into a new life coming, then to have to cope with the loss of each one.

How living with those memories that will never leave you affects your daily life.

How that person will never understand that grief for a baby who, for them, never was, but for you, always will be.

How kindness, compassion and empathy would be a wonderful set of qualities for them to learn.

I really like this approach- might be a bit more realistic for me.

Keep it dignified and with well chosen words

While they are right that you can’t imagine life with three DC vs one DC, they are being horribly abusive to use this to justify their own grabby entitlement. It is emotional abuse because they know of your baby losses.

You aren’t required to be a third parent to their DC.
You aren’t required to get gifts at every birthday and every Christmas.
You’re aren’t required to be on demand babysitting.

You’re an aunt. Anything you do should be appreciated as a bonus, nice thing even if it is only seeing their DC a handful of times their entire childhood.

Their list of “failings” - read it and see it for what it is a list of unreasonable demands by a couple of entitled, selfish, self-absorbed grabby cheeky fuckers.

I just hope their DC don’t turn out like them.

Tell them to fuck off. People often forget birthdays. I always forget kids birthdays and don't expect people to remember my sons

Glad I’m not alone on the birthday front!
It was v upsetting. They are going through a difficult time so I am trying to be understanding but I would never in a million years have said similar. Good that others feel Im not being over sensitive.

I had one dc then four miscarriages and 6 1/2 years of intensive fertility treatment. I would be so livid if someone said that to me. It's an absolutely horrible thing to say, no matter what they're going through. I don't think I could let that lie. At my lowest moments I wanted to not be alive any more. What are you going to do going forward?

I am really sorry for your losses. I don’t know what to do. I actually suspect they have just forgotten. It’s not the first time they have said something similar. I genuinely don’t think they are aware of very much outside their bubble - rather than it being vindictive and to be fair they are very busy. But not at all saying it’s ok to forget something like that.

I'm so sorry for your losses

They're obviously not coping well with 3 kids. Yet they have time to have a pop at you. It's a cheap shot.

I'd say something like ' I may be a little disorganised but at least I don't lack empathy, and at least I'm not rude. I'll leave you to reflect on what you've written, especially as you are aware of my recent baby loss.'

I personally think it's really rude to demand presents etc - people love us as they choose to. That might mean a card one year, or a text the other. My children have people who religiously send a card through the door but don't really know them, or care, and some who speak to them most days but forget to wish them happy birthday but who would love heaven and earth for them. That's just life. They are fortunate to have all of these people.

Step away slowly