Pregnancy after loss/infertility

[Silverjewels]

Struggled with infertility since we started trying (5 years) Finally got pregnant 2 years ago, lost our little boy at 19 weeks into the pregnancy. Currently 25 weeks pregnant, I just cannot see me bringing a baby home. I will not let anyone buy anything for baby, and am not planning on doing a nursery/buying anything (other than mum/baby bag to take into hospital if I manage to get to full term). I’ve got to have a section regardless so I’ve told DH he can go and buy essentials as soon as baby delivered safe and well, while I’m in hospital. Btw I know that AIBU, I am just wondering did anyone else totally disbelieve that they would never actually bring a baby home after infertility/baby loss? After my first loss I didn’t expect to ever get caught again so accepted that we just wouldn’t have children.

Not in your position but I wanted to say congratulations and wonderful that things are going well for you. So sorry to hear about your previous loss after such a long wait. I have to wonder at life sometimes!!!

I have to say that I do completely understand why you are doing things/preparing the way you are. Although I didnt have to wait as long as you i have had an MMC and more recently a Chemical and next pregnancy I will be fully expecting another loss. I will not be prepping until very late on and just preying that I get there. Unfortunately my aunt bought me a couple of quite large items when we told her I was pregnant the first time round. I was about 6 weeks at the time. We have since put them in the loft, where they are collecting dust and will probably have to throw away and replace if we get lucky.

I was exactly the same! 13 years of trying. 11years in finally got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Took another 2 years to conceive again. Didn’t think I would bring a baby home. Didn’t tell work until the latest time. Didn’t want to buy anything. Then I got to around 35 weeks and thought this might actually be happening. I bought a pack of vests and grows and a Moses basket.

I was lucky and we did bring our baby home. DH and his sister madly assembled some bits we needed (the baby had a long NICU stay). The items may not have been the brand etc I would have chosen but all has worked well.

How you are thinking is 'normal', you are trying to protect yourself from being hurt again by thinking of the worst scenario.

It's not an easy road you are travelling on. If you don't want to buy things, don't. Go through your feelings, not what's to be expected of you.

Most of all, be kind to yourself and make sure you have a good support network. Wishing you all the best xx

Firstly, congratulations!

As others have said pregnancy after loss is not an easy road.

I found myself much more able to try to enjoy being pregnant in the moment, but really hard to get excited.

I also refused anything remotely approaching a fuss. But, I’d recommend getting a few essentials at, say, 37 weeks. You’ll want your husband with you in the hospital following delivery.

Wishing you all the best x

Thank you all for your replies. After speaking with my immediate circle of people, I really do think now it’s something you can only understand if you’ve been through it.. thank you everyone so so much for making me feel a bit better about things 😊 xx

Similar situation a long time ago. My 12 year old is currently gaming whilst I fight to get him into the kitchen for breakfast!

So I only bought bare minimum things at 35 weeks but then had my parents, mil, sil prepped of stuff for newborn stage which is short anyway. Also especially in the baby stage many things are only used for a short while...my best friend and sil had recently used things like Moses basket and under 6 month pushchair. Tbh at 6 months old I went on a real spending spree.

Wishing you all the luck in the world- having a baby is not about the stuff it's about the love and when yours safely arrives 🤞you will have that in bucket loads.

@Silverjewels similar situation to you so I feel your pain.
I would make a spreadsheet of what you need then you can start buying the essentials. When they are this young you just need a safe place for them to sleep, and they want you!
being said, I did buy things in advance, in sales and had our car seat etc ready. I did think how awful it would be if we came home without him.
I also had a c section and son was poorly so spent time in NICU. Had fluid on lungs which is not uncommon after c section. I spent the first 2 weeks crying and felt so alone. Don’t feel bad if you feel you don’t bond straight away…it’s completely normal after what you’ve been through. It takes time. Breastfeeding is hard after c section but not impossible. Wish I had booked a lactation consultant in advance and harvested more colostrum.
it does get easier I promise.
wishing you all the best and a safe delivery for you both

@Silverjewels in terms of how I felt throughout the pregnancy…completely numb…but do try and take photos and videos of your pregnancy. x

Im so sorry for your loss & congratulations on your current pregnancy. I have had 2 MC’s & have started to accept that it may never happen for us but my partner and I have also said if we are ever lucky enough to get pg again then we will not be telling anyone, buying anything, getting excited or anything of the sort. We feel robbed of the joy of pregnancy because all I believe is I wont be lucky enough to ever reach certain milestones in pregnancies without be given devastating news or even bring home a child. I can relate to your feelings of wanting to protect yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable & happy. You’ve got this hun🩷🩷 sending you lots of love & prayers🩷