Am I being unreasonable towards partner after miscarriage?

[Havana2345]

Hi all.

Second miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. 1st one was awful, pain, so much blood. If you know, you know.

Second one 'easier' physically but obviously still as traumatic mentally.

Happened over the weekend, my partner due to go into work on the Sun, I got the impression he'd sorted it. He didn't. Long story short we fell out and he stormed out the house. I went into anxiety at that cos I was completely alone.

From his perspective: boss was threatening sack if he didn't go in, he did explain to boss what was happening. Said physicallyI wasn't as bad as last time so he felt he was making the right decision financially.

My perspective: my wages could easily cover us if boss did give him the sack, a job is a job, I needed him when most vulnerable. Doesn't matter whether pain was less, the emotions are still as bad, I'd never leave him in a vulnerable state.

I'm happy to hear opinions from both sides.

Am I being a knob??

P.s. he stormed out the house on the sat going back to his mother's an hour's drive away, he doesn't drive so got train.

P.s. he stormed out the house on the sat going back to his mother's an hour's drive away, he doesn't drive so got train.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't have stopped my dh going to work. It's happened to me 4 times unfortunately. He did take a day off the first time but I went to the EPAU quite a lot on my own.

@mynewnameis maybe I'm being a knob then. I'm very sorry to hear you've had 4. I'm also sorry you were alone 😔

I wouldn’t risk DH getting the sack. He can sit with me once he’s back if I need it but there’s nothing really he can do for me (other than just be there) but tbh I’d rather have the breathing space for a bit…. Understand everyone’s different though

He was unreasonable to storm off on Saturday.

I didn't think DH needed to take time off work for my miscarriage but fair enough if you need him to, I don't think that's unreasonable, generally speaking. But if it came down to risking his job, then I think he was right.

I’ve had many miscarriages. Yes it’s traumatic but you can’t stop your dp going into work. No matter how good your salary is if you’re ttc then you will need his salary when a baby finally sticks. If anything you need to be the one to take time off work - make sure you tell your manager you’re pregnant from the moment you first realise.

Okay, cheers everyone. It would seem I've been unreasonable in the throw of emotions.

I wouldn't think it's worth risking him getting sacked. And I've had two MCs so know it's awful.

Your emotions are understandably all over the place so you can’t be judged for your behaviour. But you can’t expect him to be sacked because of what happened. He tried to take the time off, he couldn’t and he had to go in. It is unreasonable that you expect him to lose his job just so he can’t be with you physically.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through op it's very upsetting and the hormones are also very powerful so you may be unreasonable but for good reason if that makes sense. So have some grace for yourself. It sounds like his boss is the knob in this scenario. We were extremely lucky in that we thought I was having a miscarriage but it was actually a subchorionic hematoma, dh did go into work (before we knew what was happening) and was so upset his boss sent him straight back home. His boss should have showed for compassion for you both, it can't be easy for your dh either. I hope your other half realises what a roller coaster of emotions (from grief and trauma and hormones) you're currently on.

Sorry that’s this happened to you. I wouldn’t expect DH to risk his job in this situation, but he certainly should be there to give you a hug in the morning before he leaves, check in during the day, and finish work asap to come home to you and make you a nice dinner.

@cinai no, he wasn't. He stormed out back to his mum's an hour away and didn't come back for a few days. Didn't really hear much off him either in the meantime. Suffice to say this may have been the catalyst to bring up a problem or 2 within the relationship!

1. well done for graciously taking the feedback, OP.

2. a job is not just a job - it's not just about wages. Maybe he likes it. Maybe it gives him a sense of purpose.

3. hmmm, him buggering off for a few days isn't on.

Whilst I do think this is the unacceptable bit of what happened, and not him going to work, is there any chance that he is also struggling and therefore this is him running away from it all?

I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt rather than concluding he’s a selfish prick.

It’s understandable that you both got upset but his storming back to his mother’s is beyond weird and immature. What is he 15? If your partner is going through something as significant and shared as a birth, death, or miscarriage you should have the ballast to cope with some bad feelings, misplaced anger, conflict or confusion.

This man is acting out what he can’t say”I don’t want to have any sad or scary times with you. I can’t be your rock. I am weak and I can’t accept any responsibility for managing myself if you are having a crisis.”

I would toss him back in the pond. He is still a tadpole not fully developed.

Well I wanted honest feedback cos I understand I may be running on emotions! I'm open to all feedback. And it seem in this case the general consensus is I'm being a knob so I'm happy to take that on board. I did ask!

But no, he hates his job.

No, it isn't. It's not the first time he's done that after a falling out. I've raised it and he swears to work on it, but not seen anything as yet.

I have mentioned to him I feel like his mother on several occasions. I don't want to drip feed but I'd be here for a while explaining what I mean, but there have been issues surrounding this. For context, he is 34.

Yes, possibly. He does tend to have difficulty with emotional stuff.

At 35 my DH was married to me. At 36 he became a dad. He never ran home to his mother once in our 34 years together.

If he is not a grown up at 34 he never will be.