Other stillbirth mums

[Hopefullyonedaysoon]

Hi everyone, I am writing this really just to find other mums who have been through a similar experience to me, who might be able to offer some words of wisdom/comfort. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 5 years when we finally fell pregnant following IVF back in August. Following what seemed to be an uneventful pregnancy and all on track my waters broke at 38+5 before contractions started. I was checked by the midwife and sent home to wait for labour to start on its own. Labour started about 28/29 hours after my waters broke and when we arrived at the hospital we were put on a monitor to be told there was no heartbeat and we had lost our baby boy. Since then we have found out I had an ascending infection which reached our son after my waters broke and is the likely cause of death. When he was born he was only 5 pounds 11 and on the 3rd percentile which we had no idea about as I had always measured in the 50th. I had been in at 32+6 for a change in movements (and once before) but was not scanned and was advised it was likely due to a change in position. After this I never went back in again as I always attributed the feeling of different movements to the change in position. Now I can't help blaming myself for not going in again, all I can think is if I had and they had identified he was small then we may have been induced earlier and saved him. It's truly destroying me knowing things might have been different and that I failed him. I am in counselling but I guess just need some hope that things can get better and I can go on to live a somewhat bearable life.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I don’t have personal experience and I cannot begin to imagine what you’re going through. My mum lost her first born minutes after birth. She went on to have my older sibling and me. She can talk about her loss but she has never ever forgotten and never really got any answers as to why it happened. Do you think pushing for more answers or accountability from the hospital would help you in any way? Feeling like you failed him is heartbreaking, please know that none of this is your fault. I’m sorry I don’t have anything more helpful to share but I’m sending so much love.

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I recommend the book Ask me his name by Elle Wright. Baby loss after ivf is particularly painful and so make sure you are as supported as possible.

You couldn't have known. You're not a Dr, and it was your first baby and you did the right thing based on what the nurse said. Then what you thought was logical because of what you had been told. Also I think deep in many people's psych is that they don't want to bother the overwhelmed NHS and so they will only go in an emergency.

I'm so sorry though. I can't imagine your pain. That will be hard enough to bare and so be kind to yourself and try to forgive yourself if you struggle to let go of the blame.

Hi @Hopefullyonedaysoon I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son. If you would like to tell us about him, I would love to hear about him. My daughter Eliza was stillborn in 2019. No cause was ever found. I had been into hospital with reduced movements, saw a midwife and was told that everything was fine and sent home. I went back two days later and was told that she had died. I will always wonder if I had gone back earlier, could something have been done? Could I have done more to help her? On bad days I still find these thoughts overwhelming. Things that have helped are-
if you have a bereavement midwife, can you ask them questions about the circumstances? I had also thought that if anyone had realised then Eliza would have been induced and would have survived, but she helped me to understand what it would and would not have been possible to know, and the limits of what alternatives there might have been.

I also attended some meetings for bereaved parents held by Sands, so if you have a meeting near you that might be worth attending. Every single parent that I met blamed themselves in some way, so please know that this is very common feeling. It doesn’t mean that there is anything else that you could have done. I found that I could easily look at the parents in my group and know that there is nothing that they could have said that would make me think that they did anything other than act for the best for their baby, just like every other parent. On good days I try to extend this thought to myself, but it is still very hard to do that.

the book by Elle Wright mentioned by another poster is also very helpful, and it has a chapter for family members on how they can support bereaved parents. I hope that you have good family support around you xx

@wellwellwow we have a meeting with the hospital in August to go through everything that happened. We know of a few things already they are at fault for. My husband asks why I am blaming myself when we know they made mistakes but I just can't help it knowing I might have been able to bake a difference.

@LaundryIsNotmyFriend thank you for the book recommendation

@Hibernating80 thank you for your message. I've been trying to tell myself this same thing and my friends and family have been saying the same thing. I'm not good at being gentle on myself, I'm not sure if it comes down to a need to control things.

@JuniperAndRose thank you for sharing your daughter's name, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and it's clear you did all you could for your Eliza. My son is called August. Yes we have a bereavement midwife and she has continuously assured me that what I did was completely reasonable and what many mums would do. But I guess my own thoughts are my worst enemy and only I can change them.

We have joined our local sands group which has definitely been a help. I just wish I had known more back when I was pregnant, because his movements changed from 32+6 onwards I treated it like a new pattern, he had quiet days and then always moved later if I gave him a prod etc. So I treated this as his new pattern (I didn't know back then that moving little can indicate slow growth), I wish everyday to my core I had questioned it again and again.

Hiya lovely. Mam of a stillborn girl here. She was born sleeping Jan 2017 at 36 weeks. I’d been in loads for checks as ultra paranoid but just knew something was up one morning so went into hospital at 4am and she’d gone. When she was born she had issues that were never picked up on the scans (organs growing outside her body!) but we were advised that does happen and doesn’t normally cause death. We had genetic testing as well. I blamed so many things that I did- I had a coke the day before, did that do it? Was I sitting down too much, lying in wrong position etc, and it’s so easy to go over everything and blame yourself but please don’t. I take comfort that my baby only ever knew my heartbeat and her daddies voice, she was warm, and loved.
Be gentle with yourself and lean on as many as you can xx

Hi. I'm so sorry to read of your loss. My first baby, a daughter, was stillborn in 2005 at 41 weeks and 4 days. We had been told two days previously that she had died after I went to hospital complaining of lack of movement. She was 9lb 4oz and a post mortem couldn't determine a cause. I blamed myself for not pushing harder for an earlier induction. I'd asked but told I wouldn't be induced until 15 days overdue.
I had another baby 18 months later by planned section at 37 weeks as I refused to go to term again.
There was no local support at the time so I set up a north east branch of Sands which I believe is still running.
Please be easy on yourself. You are not to blame.

@Noshowlomo @labtest57 I'm so sorry to hear of both your losses and thank you for sharing your stories. It's so heartbreaking whenever i hear what people have been through. @Noshowlomo I can't believe they didn't identify organ development on scans! Isn't that part of the purpose of those scans! @labtest57 I know exactly what you mean regarding induction. When my water broke I had the option of immediate induction or waiting for labour. I opted for waiting (although the risks of infection and the fact I needed to take my temperature were never discussed with me) and now I wish I had opted for immediate induction as then he would have been being monitored - of course at the time I had no reason to choose induction - my fundal height was measuring fine at every appointment, heartbeat was fine and I was low risk, everything seemed textbook until it wasn't.