disliking my partners child after having a miscarriage

[em123qwe]

Hi all,

I am a 27 year old and am really struggling this may be a long read. A month ago I went through an early miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant but hadn't had a period in two months and had a strong maternal instinct and some other indications. I went through the miscarriage while we had my partners 3 children 15, 13 and 8.
We took them to the cinema while it was happening and I was in immense pain and shouldn't have gone but we didn't know at the time it was happening. I prioritised the kids entertainment and keeping normality over my own health and this is something I am kicking myself and my partner over now, it's a very painful thought.

I have been absolutely fine with the 15 and 13 year old as they only stay once in a while whereas the 8 year old he has 50% of the time. The 8 year olds mum made a joke about my miscarriage and it was a really tough time and the 8 year old had been playing up a bit because I think they knew something was wrong.

They were just being a child and nothing was good enough etc and so on as I'm sure you can all imagine what a normal 8 year old is like...

since this has all happened I utterly resent the 8 year old I feel awful like truly bad but they are a lovely kid and I can't stand being around a constant reminder that's what we could have had and the immense love he has for them is killing me. Im finding myself irritable and just not wanting to be around them. They are just being a child and I'm angry, I don't take this out on them, yet Im not as warm with them anymore. I truly love my partner but Im scared I will always feel this way and that how would we ever move our relationship on if I can't even be around this child.

My partner has been amazing but I'm starting to wonder if I should walk away. There is jealousy that he's had children and that Im not good enough to give him that. I feel jealous of the chid for existing but not as bad with the older 2. I feel overwhelmed all of the time and don't know what to do...

What's wrong with me?

Please be sensitive as this was really tough to post and I feel really really upset at the moment.

Thank you for reading

I’m so sorry op that is horrible….

You are caring enough to recognise your response to his 8 year old isn’t ok

The 8 year olds mum however needs a knuckle sandwich 🙄🙄

Take some time away from your partner and his gets and get some counselling and then revisit… but care for you first as you need and deserve it right now

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time, I don’t understand the aspect of partner already having children but I do understand the anger felt, I’m surrounded by friends and family currently having their second child whilst I’ve just had a second mc and it genuinely makes me so angry at how unfair everything feels, but I just kind of know it won’t always feel this crap and ultimately it’s not their fault. I’m not sure there’s a single person who has gone through a mc and not felt anger, it’s just part of what we have to get through I guess, and the mum of the kids certainly hasn’t helped you! I agree with taking some time for yourself and speaking through your feelings with someone like a counsellor before making any big decisions x

You need to be kinder to yourself, it's only been a month - aside from the very real upset, your hormones will be all over the place.

You're right that you shouldn't be taking it out on the 8yo, so do your best there and confide in your partner so he can ease it a bit.

Miscarriage is a really really normal thing to go through, most women I know have had one - a really shitty normal, but normal. There's no reason to think you won't go on to have a baby with your partner when you're ready, especially since you're so young.

Give yourself a break, take a deep breath and try stop catastrophising.