2 mmcs - need to talk

[Clairedaz]

Last year in May 07 came offthe pill after 4 years after me & dh decided that the time was right for us to try for a baby. In Aug 07 a week before we were due to go on holiday found out I was pg - we were both over the moon.
My first pg 14 years ago was okay so thought this would be the same.

Had bleeding(brown)at 8 wks, went into erpc where had an internal only - all seemed okay. Went infor dating scan in Oct 07 to be told that I had a mmc (never heard of this before), was told had to wait 2 weeks before d&c. Nothing happended so had d&c (absolutle nite mare, ended up having my utereus slightly perforated). Anyway in Feb 08 found out pg again was nervous because of last time. At 8 wks again had brown discahrge (only when wiping), this time had scan and was told there was a heartbeat.
Had dating scan lat Friday and was told that my baby had died at 6 wks - so basically the previous scan that was done was crap.

Had another d&c Tuesday which went ok.

Sorry to go on but my emotions are all over the place at the moment and am fed up of people saying "it was for the best" or "it wasnt a baby", "got to move on". Something has been taking from me twice and no one will give you answers until after the 3rd mc.

Need to write this down as feel like I ma about to crack up.....

Talk away. I had a mmc in Nov, so understand.

I had a miscarriage in October and sypathise with you completely. Whats frustrating is before you miscarry you are one of those annoying people that say 'it wasn't a baby' and 'its nature way of doing whats right' etc etc, until you have one - you don't know.

But really, what do we want to hear?

I am pregnant again now but not a day passes when I don't look at the tree I we planted for our mc and think 'id have been due soon' or 'i wonder if it had been a girl or a boy'.....

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

So, so sorry to hear your news Clairedaz. It is dreadfully difficult to deal with. I've had 1mmc Nov07 and 1 chem preg 2 weeks ago after already having 2 dcs. Textbook pregnancies with them, so I'm left wondering if there's something 'wrong'. But everywhere I read tells you that mostly this is down to 'bad luck' and nothing specific. Of course, that's not much consolation when, as you say, no-one will test you until/if you have a third.

My concern would be the perforated uterus. Did the docs say anything about this in relation to becoming pregnant or a future risk of MC?

Don't forget that your hormones start ragin the second that you're pregnant and it takes a while for these to settle down, so a lot of your feelings will be down to this rapid come-down also. I know it's BLOoDY ANNOYING, but you have to give yourself time and rest as much as you can.

Much luck to you.......

Reading these messages I know I am not the only person, but it still hurts so much.

I only met dh about 7 years ago and last year the time was right. My first pg over 14 years ago, as much as I love him to pieces was a mistake from a turbalent relationship and so dh is taking our losses quite hard.

I'm 36 and now that it is more common as you get older, but I don't drink, smoke, I take regular exercise - lifes a bitch.

Am so sorry.
Tell me more about the first scan and how the dating "previous scan that was done was crap."
Also, my mum made a really insensitive comment, so I do understand, but the thing is you have experienced 2 losses, and it is completely normal to be upset.
The other thing to remmeber is that normally, nothing is doen for you unless you have had three miscarriages. However, I have read, and I am sure that I could find the link if you need me to, if you REALLY REALLY push, you can make your Gp do something after 2, if they were very similar - does that apply to you ?

really sorry claire. i had erpc for mmc last week. feel like crap, devastated for what could have been. its fine if i don't talk about it but as soon as i do i cry. i've only had one so i can only imagine how you feel. take care of yourself

I understand, I am 35, pg at the moment, although if you had asked me 2 weeks ago I would have sworn that I had just had another mmc, and dh took ours very very hard.

We asked the doctor about the perforated uterus and if this is what could have caused it and he reckons that there was no connection - as any problems would have shown at the scan - who knows...

As much as we hate to admit it, it's natures way of being kind, however cruel that may seem to us.

You have to allow yourself time to heal. Whether it was a 'baby' or not, you were given something and it was taken away therefore you're suffering a loss.

Talk if talking works for you. I prefered to be ignored - I wanted to be on my own where I could cry without feeling awful about my husband....

Friends and Family will, i'm sure say the wrong things but try not to take them personally - until you've had one its hard to know what people want to hear.

Oblomov
The first time I mmc, i had slight bleeding and was not offered a scan only an internal -as I had never heard of a mmc I assumed that as the internal was ok, then that was it.

The 2nd pg at 8 weeks I went in and the scan they gave me by the erpc doctor was old fashioned and grainy but she was adamaent that she could see the heartbeat. When I went in for my dating scan it had died at 6 wks so the previous scan could not have shown any heartbeat.

Troble is they all stick together.

without going into too much detail, when a baby dies, it absorbs water and shrinks. The baby, when scanned the second time may have looked the size of a 6 week old foetus....thats what i was told when my baby died at 10 weeks in.

I was also going to write exactly what Katelyn had. I've read that a fetus will regress at the same rate it was growing after it dies. So if you went in for a scan at 10 weeks that showed a 6 week fetus, the heartbeat probably stopped around week 8.

I'm very sorry you've been through ths

I'd be tempted to tell the doctors that this may be your 3rd mc...that you had a very late period in your late teens and didn't realise, but now, looking back....I know it's dishonest, but if you don't, you may have to go through this again b4 u get looked at.

I feel so much for you. I had 4 mcs b4 dd came along and it's hard.

Just take care and try to get lots of rest.

Thank you for all your comments, at least I may now have some answers concerning the 2nd scan.

I am going to push to be looked at if not through the NHS then private. I personally think that as the risk of mc's greater as you get older, women in their 30's should be checked straight away not left until their 3rd mc. Don't doctors realise the emotional upheaval for us.

Feel sorry for the DH's as even though it is not their body they have still had a loss as well.

Clairedaz

You're clearly a good woman, thinking of your DH at a time like this. It hit mine really hard, particularly the first time when we had to tell everyone the bad news. And it's not like they have a physical process to deal with, which can be distracting to some degree.

People do tend to sympathise most with the mum (which is right to some degree) but the DP's can feel awkward, left out, disassociated from everything.

I'm sure that you and your dh will get through this together. Good for you pushing for your consult. It's grossly unfair to make people wait for 3 mcs before being seen and if you can afford to go private, it's not a bad option.

It's a sad society where this has to be considered as a viable option though

Take care of yourself and dh

Clairedaz

You're clearly a good woman, thinking of your DH at a time like this. It hit mine really hard, particularly the first time when we had to tell everyone the bad news. And it's not like they have a physical process to deal with, which can be distracting to some degree.

People do tend to sympathise most with the mum (which is right to some degree) but the DP's can feel awkward, left out, disassociated from everything.

I'm sure that you and your dh will get through this together. Good for you pushing for your consult. It's grossly unfair to make people wait for 3 mcs before being seen and if you can afford to go private, it's not a bad option.

It's a sad society where this has to be considered as a viable option though

Take care of yourself and dh

Thanks squilly, this website has been brilliant - it's so nice to know that you can chat and that there are other women who are in the same situation.

I know people deal with loss differently but buy writing my feelings has helped me alot.