Feel like I’m going crazy 😢

[AFeastForCrows]

So I’ve had 2 recurrent MCs with no period in between. First one was straightforward at 6.5 weeks, my second was a missed miscarriage discovered at a scan around 10 weeks.

For my second one I waited 11 days to miscarry and when I did I had excessive blood loss, ended up in hospital in the middle of the night. They manually removed clots 3 times which was traumatic. I had retained products and bled so much I needed a blood transfusion, I was passing out in corridors and after 2 days of waiting for a space on the surgery list they gave me medication to start things off. I passed everything else at home but I feel like I’ve lost my mind.

Carrying my dead baby around inside me for 11 days was horrific. I thought waiting and doing things naturally would be best.

I can’t even look at a pregnant women without getting major rage, I feel scared being out of the house. I’ve been off work for 3 weeks and should be back this week but I can’t face it.

I feel so much anger towards my partner because we had an argument in the days leading up to the scan and I can’t help resenting him for making me so stressed and that maybe that’s why I lost the baby.

I feel so much hatred towards myself and my body. We’re getting married in October and I hate my dress. I feel like I failed my babies

The first miscarriage came away as a wiped and I flushed it down the toilet. That guilt stayed with me so when I found out I’d lost the second my main focus was not letting it go down the toilet. Unfortunately as I was bleeding so much I felt it all came out into the toilet but there was so much blood I couldn’t see what was what. Also the blood was pouring from me and I couldn’t get off the toilet to look for it properly. I ended up having to flush as there was so much blood. I feel so much guilt for this again.

I keep getting flashbacks to them removing clots from me and how scared I felt.

I’m usually a positive and ‘get on with it’ person but I feel like a shell of myself. I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

Thank you if you’ve read all of this. I just feel like I’m losing my mind

@AFeastForCrows that sounds so traumatic what you’ve been through. I’ve had 2 recurrent MCs, one with medical management at home and one surgical. I too had to flush the toilet with the one at home & felt awful about it.
I don’t really have anything constructive to say, but it truly is the worst thing I’ve been through. I actually called a number the EPU gave me today for the gynaecology counsellor at my hospital to hopefully have a talk with. Have you been given anything like that, to get some support?
Please know though that none of this is your fault, the argument wont have caused this. Babies survive all sorts, they are born in worn torn countries and in some really bad circumstances. It really is determined at conception if it will progress or not x

Thank you ❤️ I’m sorry you have experienced a similar thing. Like you, it is truly the most traumatic thing I’ve been through. I feel like I should be over it now but it seems worse than at the beginning

@AFeastForCrows i feel the same, I’m definitely struggling more now. I think it’s the being in limbo for me. In the weeks after there is still practical things to deal with. I had a very bad week last week which is why I reached out to the counsellor. I hope you manage to get some support too x

@AFeastForCrows sending big hugs!

I had an early loss last month and it has been a strugggggggle. We also found out a close friend is pregnant and due the same time we would have been so that has made it a million times worse and I’m sort of just hiding from everyone and everything until I can process it. Reality hit hard when I realised I had to watch a pregnancy unfold live in front me.

please don’t blame yourself! I went (and still do) go through the motions of blaming everything (did I drink too much coffee? Is it because I didn’t eat breakfast that one morning? Was it the strawberry I ate that may have been contaminated?).

be sad, be angry and just feel your grief. I spend half of my days crying and then the other half convincing myself this is the month it will happen for me (just gotta keep moving forwards).

i have also recently started doing talking therapy (only did 1 session but massively helped me offload all these thoughts).

having a miscarriage is the loneliest thing in the world because no one else around you really understands. They can’t say or do anything that will change the way you feel so I get it.

if you need to talk, vent, someone to shout at, anything at allllll, please feel free to message me 🫶🫶

@GreenPickle i know this message wasn’t directed to me, but I resonated so much with things you said. A family member of mine has said they are pregnant & it sent me into a very low mood last week. So what you said about watching a pregnancy unfold live in front of you is exactly what it is. A colleague was pregnant at the same time as my first MC and I struggled but I could remove myself from it. Yet a family member with this MC feels so much worse

Good to know talking therapy seems beneficial. I had my first consultation with the counsellor from the EPU today

@Figtree11 the whole thing is crap crap crap. The MC was bad enough and going through the grief of that, but now watching this and grieving still has magnified it and I just can’t be bothered with it. I just sort of feel angry at the world. Like why did it have to happen to me? What did I do? Blah blah blah. Then I cry and then I get annoyed at myself for crying which makes me cry even more 😂😂 then I whip out a book

i know at some point I’ll have to face it but I’ll do it when I’m ready 🤪

how was your consultation? I did mine through a work scheme and they pointed me toward cognitive behavioural therapy so have my second session this week!

@GreenPickle it is very crap. I feel angry too. And then I feel like a bad person as I just don’t want to talk to this family member at the moment. But I do because I’m too nice so then I hear about the morning sickness.

The consultation was ok thanks, it was more to get a bit of my background and I guess to gauge my personality etc. I’ve got my first proper session in a couple of weeks. I’m just a bit skeptical at the moment, as i feel the only thing that will make me feel better is being pregnant with a healthy baby! But maybe it will arm me with how to cope with the fact it might happen to me a third time, or how to get through the anxiety that comes with pregnancy after loss

@Figtree11 oh 😭 have you told them about the MC? My hubby told them about ours as a sort of hint hint we are keeping our distance but it’s good that you are speaking to them because I haven’t even offered a congratulations. I just don’t have it in me to talk to anyone or do anything (have managed to shower and hoover today though - yay me!).

im with you in terms of the only thing that might help is having a healthy baby (but I also know in the back of my head, I should have been XX weeks now etc). It’s so tough but I’m feeling bored of the whole thing now even though this is only my 3rd month (1st was successful and last month was a write off pretty much because my body was all over the place).

the anxiety of being pregnant as well… I was OBSESSSSSSED with just going to the toilet and wiping for blood.

yeah im hoping this talking therapy just changes the way I think about it (she has already said im self critical and compare myself to others 😂😂).

I have also found headspace to help. I find myself getting so overwhelmed and anxious and just stressed out (and then more stressed out that I won’t conceive) so I try and do 1 or 2 of them a day. Just something to stop me focusing on the other projects and my MC when I feel myself spiralling.

@GreenPickle so sorry I missed your last message. Yeah they know about my MC’s yet have still been insensitive! I’ve taken a step back from them now & said I’m struggling so I feel better for that.
How are you doing?
I’m still waiting for my period to return. 9 weeks it’s been now