TFMR at 24 weeks - How to prepare, what to expect and how to recover

[PeanutBug]

Hi All, as the title suggests I'm sadly going through TFMR over the next few days. I was hoping people may have some tips on how to prepare for this, items to bring would be helpful, this is my first pregnancy so I have no prior experience on things like maternity pads etc. How to prepare mentally would also be helpful. I'm terrified of the pain and possible surgery if the placenta doesn't come.

Things to expect that they might not tell you about would be helpful.

Then finally, how do you look after yourself in those first few days/weeks and recover from this nightmare?

Thank you x

@PeanutBug I have no experience here of TFMR. I lost my baby at 39 weeks stillborn so was induced much later.
But I didn't want to read and run!

I want to send you a giant virtual hug, as I read what you're having to go through.

I can only comment on the things I brought for myself eg. Always discreet boutique pants. They were like big comfy pants but a huge pad of that makes sense.

I also asked the hospital if I could make memories with my baby. Not sure if you want to do that or not. We did footprints and took lots of photos as a family together. We also stayed in the bereavement suite for 3 nights.

After this nightmare, just listen to your body. If you want to stay in bed all day do so! If you want to cry and scream do so! The grief will hit hard. If you have any friends or family around use them to cook for you, care for you or likewise if you don't want anyone with you don't be afraid to say no sorry I want to be alone.

It will feel like sadness will be forever, but I promise you time helps to live with this new grief. I'm 4 years on since losing my son and I still have some hard grief days but not as much as early on.

I hope this helps in some way. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Sending so much love and strength.

Oh my lovely I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a tfmr at 17 weeks in 2020.

The entire nursing/medical team were caring and professional throughout. They explained every step in great detail and there were plenty of opportunities for questions. There was also a lot of privacy given to my husband and I which we needed.

The experience was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. If I'm being honest, it's changed me as as person. Not worse but different.

I'm not sure if anyone has talked you through what happens, but we were given a cold cot for our little girl so we could spend time with her after delivery. The hospital had a memory box for our baby with lots of thoughtful things inside that we would never have thought of. There was a mould for hand and footprints, a memory card for photos, a beautiful book to read to her, two teddies, one for your baby, one for you and two blankets, one for baby, one for you to keep.

My nurse suggested I put one blanket in my bra which we could then wrap baby in so she would be wrapped in something that smelled like her mummy. That almost broke me.

I still sleep with her blanket and teddy under my pillow every night.

I chose no pain relief. I just wanted all the pain to make everything real because I was losing my baby and I needed to feel pain. It made sense at the time.

I got through that dark time in 3 ways.

1 I had an older child so couldn't fall apart.
2 I wrote in a diary multiple times a day for weeks and months after. Every thought, every raw emotion
3 I kept busy. I made a list of diy jobs/tasks and I worked day and night to get through them. I don't know how I didn't burn out but keeping busy is my coping mechanism

The hospital will offer you therapy. It didn't help me especially but I would take all professional help offered in case it helps you.

Not sure if you're religious, I'm not particularly but in that moment nothing mattered more to me than having a service with a minister. We said prayers and sang songs. It was beautiful.

My baby girl we chose to have buried with the other wee babies who didn't make it. They are altogether in a garden and that makes me happy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's absolutely horrific for your first pregnancy but you'll get through this. You're stronger than you know, get through this and nothing will ever come close to the pain again.

Sending all my love to you, internet stranger. Please feel free to message me if it would help.

❤️

Hi.

i tfmr two months ago at sixteen weeks. We didn’t do any memories. See the baby or find out the sex. We were obviously so much Earlier than you so it’s very different. And I was very poorly throughout the whole pregnancy so had no time to connect with it.

They offer you any pain relief you want. You could get an epidural. The pain is like actual labour - I was given an injection in my leg that began with p. It took away all pain and the baby slipped out. It took five hours total. I brought a hot water bottle. Paracetamol and coedine did nothing. Pointless taking them. It starts with period cramp. Then it’s an intense contraction constantly for a couple of hours. Take the pain relief. I felt so happy it was over actually. It was that elation people talk about. But then we didn’t get the baby at the end.

its also good to stand up to help gravity.

sorry this happened. I hope we all get happy endings soon 😢

I am very sorry to read this. This happened with my first baby nearly 20 years ago.

If you haven't already, have a look at Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC). They have lots of information, run a helpline and a forum for women who have experieced this.

Take care x

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this nothing prepares you for this awful journey.

I lost my baby girl very recently at 20 weeks.

things I recommend:
maternity pads (lots)
big knickers
comfy clothes
towel

the labour itself was fine (I already have a 4 year old)
go with the flow with whatever you need - everyone is different.

from my experience the things I wish I did were:

i wish I put her on me when she was born (I was so scared from her being small I didn’t and I regret this so much)

the things we did that mean so much to us:

got the midwives to Take lots of photos of her.
spent nearly two days with her.
have two small teddies - for both me and her (I put mine in my bra and then I swapped them when we left her so hers smells of her and obviously mine is with her)
we had her blessed (not religious but it gave us comfort)
hand and footprints

when your back home please ask someone to go get your shopping (ready meals are what we are living off it’s helped so much)

do everything at your own pace.

I’ve accepted all the help on offer.

nothing I can say will help but just know your not alone. all my love.