Anger about miscarriage

[Scrumpy10]

I had a miscarriage in March. Everything seemed to be progressing as it should and at the 20 week scan there wasn't a heartbeat. Female fetus measuring 17 weeks and 3 days .

I was really worried about blood loss with the induction and wanted to go for a D&C at another hospital who agreed to do it. We were told that we could do that but would not be able to get post mortem results and the hospital promised to manage my pain and sedate me. I was still unsure but my husband said he really wanted to know what went wrong if possible and that the healthcare professionals had reassured us.

I was right to be worried. I had a haemorrhage and a seizure and ended up having a general anaesthetic to remove the placenta. Followed by 5 days in hospital then having to go back twice after I was discharged as I kept on fainting. I am so angry as when I raised my fears about blood loss as I have very heavy periods I felt like I was being completely unreasonable and acting crazy but I was 100% right!

We still have not got the post mortem results. We were told by the bereavement midwifes that the pathologists had said it would be ready for 17th May but it was not. At the end of all that it is likely to be inconclusive anyway.

We weren't bothered about a funeral for the remains and have left them to medical science afrer the post mortem. I don't see it as viable life at that stage and I had not feit any movements. We haven't got any children and would have loved a little girl. So I am upset but I feel like I can't mourn for a child I did not know.

I am so mad about being put off having a D&C. I wish I had just gone to an abortion clinic to have it removed.

We still want a family but I am scared to try again and of course it makes sense now to see if anything comes up from the post mortem results.

I’m so sorry for your loss and you’re going through this.

Miscarriage is tough under any circumstances, but when there is uncertainty, waiting and complications, it is even more so.

You’ve done all the right things and advocated for yourself. Even if the investigations bring no concrete answers, you will know, and it will help you to move on.

It can take time to feel ready again. Whatever pace feels right is the right one for you. Wishing you all the best

I’m not sure what to reply but I thought I’d share some of my thoughts which I think are similar to yours.

we lost our baby at 15w3d and I also don’t feel the same connection that other people seem too. I was severely poorly throughout the entire pregnancy. We weren’t able to be excited about it or go shopping and we formed very little attachment to the pregnancy.

I thought i would just stand in solidarity with you that we didn't see our loss as our child and it wasn’t viable. We are heartbroken and devastated but we can’t believe that that was our child when it never came to be.

I also wanted a d&c but they were going to make me wait three weeks to get it done. So id of been 19 weeks pregnant and my would have still been ‘pregnant’. They said ‘you always have a choice’ but I really didn’t. I was in labour for five hours and gave birth. We didn’t see them and didn’t find out the gender as we didn’t want to feel any type of way if we get pregnant again.

I know our sentiments might not be the same, but the language you used has been the closest I’ve seen to how I feel towards our loss and I really just wanted to reply in case you read everything I’ve read which doesn’t hold the same sentiment as I have towards My loss.

@CSSL7 Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you.

I had terrible hyperemesis gravidarum throughout the pregnancy and at one stage I was hospital for hydration. The sickness only stopped at 18 weeks. I thought it was because I had reached the second trimester but it was because the pregnancy had ended and hormones were changing. We didn't want to see anything either and did not. I was repulsed by the thought of it being dead inside me for 3 weeks and me not knowing. We were told the gender but did not want to know. I just feel that I was really sick and that it ended with a terrible ordeal and now I feel better.

I didn't ask how long we would have to wait for a D&C. Three weeks is definitely too long. I know I need to forgive my husband and I suppose if we had to wait that long it would have been traumatic for different reasons.

That’s exactly how I felt. I felt like I had something inside of me that made me horrificly ill and I had it removed. (I wanted the d&c so it was more medical and more like an operation to remove something making me ill).

ive read every single forum and research paper I can at this point haha. I will say, I am glad I did it the way I did upon reflection and not the d&c. I felt more in control and luckily mine was without any complications. I don’t know for sure but if I’m unlucky enough to go through this again I think I’d do it “naturally” again. the five hours were horrific but I just felt so much relief after it was over. I think the overwhelming relief has been the main reason I’ve been able to cope so well with it.

ours was a chromosomal abnormality so I am petrified all of my eggs are abnormal and so scared it’s gonna happen over and over again. We are going to try asap. Literally straight away. I feel obsessed with the thought of getting pregnant and feel like I’ve wasted four months of time and I just want to be pregnant immediately again.

also, I was Bed bound with sickness - the GP said it was likely to be HG but now we know the baby was so poorly they told me that was the reason I was so sick and next time it’s highly unlikely I will be. Apparently sickness can be so bad with twins, molar pregnancy and chromosomal abnormality (Down syndrome in particular)

I posted as was beating myself up about how I feel about it and wanted to tell my story incase anyone else felt like this.

When we found out there was no heartbeat we were taken in to a room like a nursey with cots and affirmations on and poety on the wall. It completely freaked me and my husband out.

I feel so angry as endured months of sickness from December until end of February and then it ended in that horrible way. We haven't had the post mortem results back yet. Some days I was being sick 20 times an hour, I couldn't even drink water and I was waking up at night choking on my vomit. By 20 week scan day I had lost 5kg from my pre pregnant weight.

I tried to look after myself in pregnancy but my mental health was not good due to constant sickness. I normally travel for work and have a big circle of friends but i could hardly leave the house and if I did, i needed a bucket with me. It was especially bad over Christmas and so I had to tell people earlier than I should. Friends and family kept on calling and messaging me that my sickness was a good that the baby was strong. The 12 week scan and testing went well but obviously something wasn't right as the pregnancy didn't work out.

@CSSL7 Thank you for responding it has made me feel better that I am not alone in how I feel and also interesting about the chromosomal abnormalities link to sickness.

@SagittariusUprising Thank you for your kind words.

@CSSL7

Hi can I ask how you knew yours was chromosomes? Iv got a blighted ovum and will be booked in for a d&c next week can I ask for testing to be done to find the reason?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a pregnancy at 11.5 weeks after a normal scan at 11 weeks. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it. I found out it was due to a chromosomal abnormality. I only found out because I paid for private NIPT around the time I lost the pregnancy. I live in Ireland and if I hadn’t paid for the test I would have no answers because they will not do any tests in Ireland after a miscarriage unless you have repeated miscarriages.i feel this is very unfair and tests should be undertaken on everyone who has a miscarriage. My heart broke when I found out but at least I know now why it happened. Sorry to hear you were so unwell during the pregnancy please don’t beat yourself up or blame yourself for this because there is nothing you could have done. I also had an appointment with a bereavement midwife but it was of no use whatsoever to me so I know what you mean. I hope you get some answers soon xx

Of course, we had the combined test which came back as:

Papp-a 0.32 MoM (very low)
hCG 6.31 MoM (outrageously high)

so these two things alerted a computer as it is a pattern in trisomy 21. It gave us 1in5 chance of Down syndrome. We then did NIPT which was positive. Then CVS which diagnosed us.

@Scrumpy10 when we went to deliver, our room had a whiteboard with a happy message like welcome to the Labour ward!!! We made a joke at the time like, ‘maybe they should have wiped that off before we arrived” lol.

every appointment was surrounded by pregnant women. It’s really an awful situation.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I feel your anger too.

I suffered a late loss at 18 weeks in November. We too had to wait for the post mortem results but didn’t receive any information until March. It was a bit of nothing to be honest as they couldn’t pin point anything on tests so went with possible cervical insufficiency. Essentially asked when we were thinking of trying again and put a plan in place.

My anger comes from feeling like I wasn’t heard before my loss as I had been on to the triage all week but told I’m just experiencing pregnancy for the first the time. It was normal when clearly something was wrong.

We have been trying since January with no luck so far so a bit down in the dumps. But I am still scared like you to be ttc.

@CSSL7
Thank you, that's very interesting and I'm glad you got some answers on why it happened. I'm going to ask about it but it's probably different with a blighted ovum

For the delivery I was moved to a labour ward and there were women giving birth and babies crying . One of the nurses mistakingly said, "You are so tiny"

I was so unwell I couldn't go home for 5 days afterwards.

I want to be pregnant again but I am scared of it happening again. The sickness I had was also so debilitating and few people understood it. When I stopped being sick for a couple of weeks before the 20 week scan I had comments like, "I told you," In the second trimester, you would stop being sick, and you are blooming now"

I wasn't getting bigger but I think people are wired to think these things and of course I was only getting better because the pregnancy had stopped but I didn't know it had.

I finally got the post mortem back..the biggest shock was that it said death would have be 72 hours before and so they actually got to 20 weeks but stopped growing at 17 weeks 3 days.

The cause was hyper coiled cord and 2 tight loops of the cord round the neck. There were no genetic, chromosome issues and organs had developed normally. The small size was due to the cord issue as they wouldn't be getting what is needed. I think this is quite rare and just something which can happen. All my tests came back OK.

I am still not sure it was worth having the horrific experience for. I just wanted it all gone with a D&C and was so upset that my husband didn't listen to me. I understand it is his baby though and he said he wanted to know as was blaming himself.

@Scarftown Thank you very much for sharing and I am sorry you have been through this.

I have had some counselling as felt angry about people reacting in that way and the counsellor has reassured me it is normal. Even people who give birth to a live baby can take time to love it and bond with it. I am quite scientific so understand the facts and also have a lot going on in my life with two unwell parents so I think being treated in a way where I felt I was being forced to grieve was upsetting me.

I have had every single comment from critism for not having a funeral, not having the fetus baptised, why don't I plant a tree or do some ritual instead of a funeral.

I think it is really offensive as it is my experience and there seems to be more concern about a non-viable fetus than me. I feel like I am going to lose some friendships if people won't let it go.

Exactly how I feel too. I don’t believe it was my child. It’s so good to hear others feel the same. I wondered if I was psychotic when people have so much emotion and love even with earlier gestations.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't had a late loss, but have had 3 first trimester missed miscarriages. Finally I'm eligible for genetic testing and have about 6 more weeks to wait before we get results the sample taken at my surgical management.

I'm sad about the loss, but more angry that it's wasted time and I'm back to stage 1. Again. Whilst watching everyone in my life around me move on. I'm not emotionally connected to that specific pregnancy, but imagining a pregnancy going well is getting harder. So frustration and anger are my overwhelming emotions.

Glad I found this thread. My thoughts are with you OP and the other posters.

I lost a pregnancy in 2nd trimester for chromosomal problem earlier this year and also not feeling grief. Was very sad before surgery (thankful I had that option) and can still get a little choked up when talking about it but me and partner saw it as medical condition that needed to be resolved. I hadn't really bonded with the baby or fully imagined becoming a mother as was worried about miscarriages - glad about that now. Just not meant to be this time.

I didn't have morning sickness and told very few people so the whole pregnancy is almost like a strange dream. I have option to find out about the gender but I might never do that. I also think I won't go to the group cremation or plant a tree like I planned to. Feels better putting it behind me and looking forward. Helpfully my loved ones are doing the same.

Thanks everyone who replied to my post. I have been thinking about how I feel a lot and also feel angry about the whole process and having to start again.

I wanted to add that I am very sensitive person usially and if a loved one is ill or passes away I am deeply impacted by it. I to do try my best by people. When my pet cat died a few years ago I was bereaved for months after. So I didn't know how I would feel in this situation.

I know people who have had chemical pregnancies and are devastated about the child they lost and I feel so sad for them and think it is fine to feel that way and would never want to tell anyone how to grieve or not consider that a loss.

There has been a lot in the news about baby loss recently and I think it needs more awareness that it is fine to be OK and not feel bereaved as well. I feel like I have really had it pushed on me. Then I start questioning myself as to why I don't feel that way.