Help me say and do the right thing for my best friend who has just lost her baby at 36 weeks

[fettleandbabyfettle]

That's it really - she rang me this evening and although I've had two early mcs, I don't think they compare in any way to what she has just been through. She too has had 2 earlyish mc, so to have this happen now is just so so unfair. I also feel really awkward as I have a 6 month old DS and 4 yo DD.

Thanks.

Message withdrawn

for your friend. I guess the best thing you can do is to be there and listen. Bumping for more wisdom

haven't been through this but here is my 2c for what it's worth:

• you can't help the fact that you've got dc and she hasn't. unless you are somehow flaunting the fact, which of course you wouldn't, then i'm afraid that is part of the grieving process for her
• keep in touch and not just with the big soulful eyed "so how are you feeling?". keep in touch just to chat and give her a distraction and a laugh if possible. little and often i would say.
• don't shut your friend down if she wants to talk about what happened.
• avoid well meant minimising comments at all costs!
• follow your friend's cues - if she wants to talk, let her talk, if she wants to just be "normal" let her be normal.
• be her friend as before - not someone who is "Being A Friend" to make *themselves" feel good.

Not saying you would do any of those things, as I said just my 2c.

very, very for your friend.

Thanks - she is already having a funeral, but wants to keep it just to family. I've not in any way let her know I feel awkward about my DS, just concious that seeing him might not be what she wants at the moment. I know she did hold her little baby and I'm hoping they took photos etc for them at a later date - she lives so far away from me, I just want to go to her and give her a big hug. Hopefully we're going to arrange meeting up in a couple of weeks, when I'll just let her talk as she wishes.

I'm so sorry to hear this fettle .
Lots of good advice already here - stay in touch, don't always expect a return call/mail before you contact her again, as she may not feel up to replying.
Follow her lead. If she has named the baby, refer to him or her by name. If they are having a funeral, offer to attend, or maybe help with arrangements.

Here are some of the nice things friends did for me in similar circumstances some years ago:

• sang at ds2's low-key funeral
• took me out for lunch more than once and never minded that I was not great company
• made it possible for ds1, me and dh to get a few days away together (by lending a place, not giving money IYSWIM)
• kept gently mailing/texting when I didn't always reply
• let me have a cuddle with their tiny baby when I felt ready, I've had a special fondness for that little girl ever since

You sound like a wonderful, thoughtful pal - the sort every person needs in times of deep sadness. The sort bossykate and others were for me nearly six years ago, in fact

fettle, this is heartbreaking bad luck for your friend, and I feel for you too XXX

It's very hard to know the best way to be. The most important thing for me was that people didn't ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, which a lot did. I also felt very strongly that I didn't want people acting oddly around me -ie not bringing their children / babies, when they normally would.
My lifelines at the time, were the people that just kept calling (I realise it's not an easy thing to do) - kept making dates to meet, kept me talking, kept me going really.
I did want to talk about my daughter but only to very specific friends (actually only one in particular) and I wanted her to see my daughters photo and listen about the birth etc.
You sound like a lovely caring friend, your BF is very lucky to have you and I'm sure she will need your support over the months ahead