Recent miscarriage/ SIL baby shower

[rainraingoaway91]

This is long but please stick with me!

Last year I had a premonition of my babies, and dreamt of them many times. I was constantly told I was giving off mother energy, and that people "had a knowing" I would be pregnant soon. I was so sure it would happen straight away. A month later my younger sister in law announced that she was pregnant. It bothered me so much that they had only recently married and were so much younger than my H and I. We started off with a difficult relationship but we came through all that to become the best of friends. This completely threw me backwards though and I needed some space from her. She then asked me to organise her baby shower. I felt a little like she was rubbing my face in it, but also (and mostly) honoured to be asked. I decided to focus on moving house, and not obsess about TTC so much.

I found out I was pregnant in March, and was so excited to tell her especially. We would have babies born in the same year, and could talk about being pregnant together (this has been her only topic of conversation despite knowing I had been trying for a while and not succeeding). I had a natural miscarriage almost exactly 3 weeks ago, the day I was due to see and tell SIL and her OH. This was devastating obviously, and they were upset for us of course. They sent flowers the next day which completely spun me out - I felt flowers were inappropriate, and coming from a happily pregnant couple feeling sorry for me made me incandescent with rage. With hindsight and space I appreciate the gesture of goodwill. I am curious to know if anyone else felt this way?

Last week after finally getting a hospital appt (a whole other topic) I was feeling so much better, mentally and physically. Then on Saturday, BOOM I felt like I had a huge hormone injection - my boobs are painful, my emotions are everywhere and I feel like I am back to square one. Either I am already pregnant again (my OH and I did have sex when I was ovulating) or the progesterone change whilst ovulating has meant I feel this way. Has anyone else experienced this? Please advise!

Another reason I think I was feeling positive last week, was that I found our dream home which we put an offer on straight away. 5 days later (yesterday) we were told we had been outbid and the owner accepted the other offer. I feel absolutely shattered by this, as I feel this was such a positive distraction which has now been taken away too.

Now my SIL's baby blessing is in a few weeks and due to our past, I am worried if I don't organise it things will deteriorate. I really don't want that as I do love her very much. However, I don't feel she has been at all aware of my feelings during this whole time. My baby was due in December, and this year we will all be together. They will have their newborn there and right now I just don't know how I can manage it...

I don't know what I am looking for here... solidarity/ support/ understanding? I just had to share somewhere.

Thank you for reading

Do you have to organise SILs baby's blessing? I'm assuming it's a but like a christening and usually organises by the parents.

I completely understand how you feel though. I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL although she told everybody the day she found out and DH and I wanted to wait, I ended up miscarrying at 16 weeks. As our pregnancies had been almost the same exact times seeing SIL go through(and constantly talk about) each stage of pregnancy that I should have been going through was like a knife in my heart and I really struggled. We had already been trying for 3 years by that point.

Don't give up hope. It's awful that everything seems to have fallen apart for you at the same time. Keep looking for a new dream home and best of luck with ttc. This is a difficult time but you can get through it.

Hi @rainraingoaway91 ,I am sorry for your loss. I think its somewhat normal and understandable you feeling this way. I am in my 30s and been married almost 3 years and never had a bfp... I keep seeing everyone around me getting preg and having kids and this has made me to also feel similar to you sometimes envy or jealousy and I have to pray against this and ask for patience and not give up hope. I recently confided to a friend who is pregnant about my feelings and it somewhat helped me. I dont know if you think if its helpful at all but maybe you could confide in your sil if u feel safe to do so. I hope that soon you will get your bfp and dont give up... Try and focus on some selfcare and keep reminding yourself you will get your baby soon theyre on their way its just not yet time.

Hello OP 💐

You do t have to organise the baby blessing, tell her you’re not in a great space at the moment and can she get some one else to do it. Tell her quickly so she has plenty of time to organise.

I work in early pregnancy and nothing is certain. I don’t think people realise what a tricky period of time it can be - especially women who left it a little bit later.

Your Sil hasn’t actually done anything wrong it’s just really triggering you because of what your going through and that’s ok have that space but try not to portion any blame on to her.

The rage over the flowers was misplaced. They only came from good intentions.

The hormonal surge could be down to anything - take a pregnancy test. It could also mean your body is getting ready for a period after a loss.

The house fall though is shit - I’ve been there but there will be other ones! 🙏🏻

Reach out to your Sil, do t let this get in between you. Tell her that you’re feeling really shit about everything and struggling a bit. If she shares that love that you have for her she will be supportive. Then you won’t have that negative undercurrent for her festering for her.

I had to have IVF and I’ve had two eptopic pregnancies. I honestly know the struggle to not be able to conceive quickly and to not have a viable pregnancy. I even got to the point I had to turn nappy adverts on the tv off . But nothing good comes from harbouring these feelings towards your Sil - when she hadn’t actually done anything wrong 💐

@TheNameIsDickDarlington thank you for your message, and I am so sorry for your loss too.

It sucks doesn't it - its like a constant reminder. With friends its easier to have distance, but with a family member it's always being talked about my my MiL, and rest of family (its a big fam!)...

I am feeling much better at the moment, another house came up so I am focussing on that, and feeling positive.

I am ok about doing the shower, she has not involved any other family members. I have seen her since and it was a little awkward a couple times but mostly lovely to see her. I think before the baby arrives it is easier to deal with... I guess I will cross that bridge when it comes.

@Ritadidsomethingbad I am so sorry for your losses <3 I can't imagine how it must feel to work in early pregnancy and go through what you have described. Thank you for your advice, you are right.

@carsty Thank you for your advice and support. I am seeing her this week 1-1 so I think I might just do that..

PS I am not pregnant, I have just had my first period since. It was quite triggering but at least everything is working right?