I’m so heartbroken. I don’t know what to do

[DreamingOfARainbowx]

Me and my partner had IVF (which was mentally draining in itself) and it worked! We got pregnant.
I was so happy but also so anxious.

I paid for blood tests to make sure everything was rising as normal, I took pregnancy tests everyday, I needed constant reassurance.

Our clinic did our routine 6 week scan and they confirmed baby was there and a strong heartbeat. We were so so happy again.

I continued to worry, so I paid for a couple of private scans and every time, baby had heartbeat, everything was good.

At exactly 8 weeks, I went for a scan and they confirmed a healthy baby with a heartbeat of 177bpm. I told myself I needed to stop, everything was good now- I must chill out! Plus, my first ever midwife appointment was in 7 days, things were getting exciting.

3 days before my first midwife appointment I went to the toilet at work… wiped and looked down the toilet to check as normal…. And there was no blood, all good! Phew!

But as I was about to flush the toilet I noticed there was a tiny speck of blood on the inside of the toilet lid, slightly hidden. It was fresh. I thought to myself, it can’t be mine cos I have nothing on me and nothing was in the bowl of the toilet?! It was so weird. I left the toilet, but I felt concerned.

Anyway, I decided to book one more private scan that evening (I was supposed to be 8w and 4 days so it was literally a few days after baby was confirmed to be okay), so I told nobody and thought I’ll go for the reassurance. I went to the private scan alone and was told straight away my baby had no heartbeat. My heart sank.

I drove home in tears and told me husband straight away, apologising that I’d not told him. He was heartbroken but we both still had hope. It was an abdominal scan… my bladder wasn’t that full… maybe it was wrong!

That night I started to get really bad backache so we got told to go a&e. We were there for hours and got seen and referred to an early pregnancy unit for a scan the next day at 3pm.
The wait was tortuous. Everything about our journey so far had been full of waiting and anxiety. We were mentally drained.

Finally, at about 5pm that day we were told our baby had died. Measuring at 8w 1d, it no longer had a heartbeat, which meant it died pretty much after the last scan confirming the heartbeat was 177bpm.

Me and my husband are completely heartbroken. We now have to wait (again) to have a D&C (unless I miscarry naturally) but I can’t stop crying.

It hurts so much. Our dreams feel shattered and the fact we have to go through IVF again to achieve a pregnancy is killing us. It has been so so hard and I’m so sad that even after seeing a heartbeat multiple times and a positive growth every time, baby still died :(

i keep going over in my mind what I might have done (which I know you shouldn’t do) but I can’t help think… how?! 😔😔

The next worst part of this story is there is a girl in my team at work who told me she was also pregnant and her due date was the same as mine. I did feel nervous when she originally told me in case something like this happened, and now it’s happening I’m so sad.
Work would have been a great escape but I’m well aware it will forever be a constant reminder when I see her. I know it’s not her fault, but I just can’t believe this is happening. The timing feels so unfair.

I just don’t know how to cope :( when does the grief stop? :(

I am so so sorry to read your news. You sound and must be emotional drained. I am heartbroken for you and I couldn’t just read and not comment. Please understand you have done nothing wrong. It is not your fault. It must be hard with another lady due at the same time and although I can’t offer any advice please take time and allow yourself to grieve. It will be hard and I am sending you lots of love.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My younger sister (39yo, IVF) had a miscarriage at 20 weeks and had to give birth to a dead baby girl. She was also heartbroken and counselling helped her to overcome the grief. Please find a good counsellor to support your mental health at this stage

So sorry for your loss. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

My story is pretty similar - ivf pregnancy, saw heart beat at 6 weeks then on 8 week follow up ivf scan there was no heartbeat I honestly can't even remember the appointment now as it was such a blur.

Unfortunately my body didn't recognise the heartbeat has stopped so 3 weeks later I had to have the medical management.

I do not have any words that will make it easier or help but I'm now just over 3 weeks since I passed my baby and I'm starting to feel like myself again. Iv had other miscarriages but that was by far the worst I have ever felt. It's so cruel.

Because I have had other miscarriages they sent my baby away to be tested, I got the results that the baby had turner syndrome and the doctor explained it was nothing I or my husband had done which I think has massively helped my grieving. Maybe you could ask to have your baby tested? It may bring some closure.

Please just be kind to yourself, feel how you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through each day.

Thinking of you 💐

I so sorry for your loss.

I’ve been in a similar place, after a struggle to get pregnant, and it’s so hard. I’ve had IVF too, but that was following my losses, but I do have some idea of where you’re at right now.

The worst day is the day you find out. There will be other tough days ahead, but you’ve already had the very worst day. The clouds do clear, it takes time though so be gentle with yourself. I found therapy helped enormously. Both individually and group sessions with the Miscarriage Association.

Can you talk to your boss and ask for time off? I know it’s tricky, I never felt in a situation where I could share this at work, but having a proper break to gather yourself back up again may help.

It’s so tough when due dates align. After my first miscarriage a colleague also announced her pregnancy with a due date within days of mine. I was so happy for her, but boy was it hard sometimes seeing reminders of where I could have been. It’s challenging and conflicting and you are not a bad person if you are having some ugly feelings around this. It’s such a common experience among women who have experienced loss.

Sending you a hand hold x

I am so so sorry for your loss. I’ve recently had my second MC, and a colleague at work is due her baby soon, the same week my first baby would have been due. So I know how heart wrenching it is to hear that news.

If I’m honest, the grief for my 2 MCs hasn’t stopped, it’s just with take I’ve been able to cope a little bit better. Some days are ok, some days I cry off and on. It really is the worst feeling. Sending you a big hug x

So sorry for you. There is nothing that you did or didn't do, the vast majority of miscarriages are chromosome issues with the embryo. If you do have D&C, you could ask for testing to see if there was a chromosome issue - it might help you to be reassured that there was nothing you could have done. Do consider if some counselling would help, it really helped me after a MC.

I'm so sorry to read your story, it has broken my heart for you. Grief is dark and difficult, my loss wiped the floor from under me and whilst I still have days where I feel like I don't know how to cope, they become less frequent and in time things do start to feel a little bit lighter again. You'll start to look outside and notice the sun shining and little things will help you to heal. Surround yourself with love over the next few weeks - step away from people who might trigger you. My SIL announced her pregnancy just 2 weeks after my loss and it was the same due date, I still feel hurt by this now and often picture her pregnant and happy whilst we grieve. Sending all the love.