Age gap due to miscarriage & molar pregnancy

[Georgia324]

Hi there,

My son has recently turned 3. We took a while to be ready to try again (bad PND) & did so last November and fell the first month, which seemed too good to be true and it was.

I had a missed miscarriage in February but then more bleeding after the removal surgery, and following tests on the foetus they diagnosed me as having had something called a partial molar pregnancy. Because of the symptoms my hcg levels were tested and they were very high, so I needed another surgery and unfortunately that still hasn't worked so I am starting chemotherapy on Monday it's all a bit bonkers really.

With chemo you can't TTC for a year afterwards. Realistically then there would be a 5+ year age gap. Is that even something doable? I guess I'm looking for positive stories of people waiting a lot longer to have their second child than they had hoped, and being happy with the shape of their family? I'd like some hope going into the 3months ish of chemo treatment ahead :(

Thanks for listening

I’d have loved a smaller age gap for my boys but it wasn’t to be - failed ivf twice. By the time I was pregnant with my second and he was born my eldest was 5.
it was a great age gap in one sense as the baby could have my full attention while my eldest was at school and I got to go to all the baby groups again!
They are now 17 and 22 and the best of friends.

Sometimes you just can’t plan the future. Your family will be unique to you and will work out in your own families very special way.
Good luck with the chemo. 💐

Thank you!! This has made my day! My brother and I are actually 7 years apart (I think I was a fake mistake... my dad never wanted more...) we are close now and I am also close to my half sister who is 18 years older!! Did you find it strange at all / had you forgotten it all? Did part of you wonder if you should "give up" trying as you'd made it so far with one child?

My DS is 6, 7 in September. It was my husband who had chemo, we've honestly gone back and forth with the decision on age gap mostly. I feel intense guilt that we haven't had another child for my son (who seems a v happy only) mainly but also it just feels we're kissing a piece. We're both 40+ now and past the baby stage so it seems incredibly daunting to ttc but we have been 'seeing what happens' for about a year....nothing has happened! I feel sheer sadness to not be pregnant but also happy im not pregnant hahaha. Whatever happens you'll have a mixed bag of emotions, it's really not easy. Concentrate on just getting through the chemo first and then see what tlife brings x

My sister is 7 years older than me, we have a great relationship, always have. I have a brother 16mo younger than me. As adults, we have a great relationship too but as kids all we did was stab each other with forks and tell tales. Close age gaps aren't always great 😂

My friend has a 6 year gap due to a misscarriage and molar.
I chose to have 5 years due to HG in pregnancy.
I wouldn’t worry about it at all :)

We have a 13 year older lad then a 3 yr old then twin 2 year ago olds and they all adore each other. There's 17 years between me and my young bro and he is still my best friend

Thanks everybody. Gosh I'm welling up in bed. I guess I'm less worried about the impact on the relationship between the kids - this is very helpful to hear still though - and more about my ability to parent a baby and a 5/6 year old at the same time, and also to have the energy to go again. Mind you it's only another year or so out from where I would have been - plus some TTC time which takes longer the closer you get to 40 of course!

@fashionqueen1183 was your friend okay? Did she have to have chemo? Molar feels like a double whammy of miscarriage + all this pants cancer stuff :( :(

I'm sorry about your HG too - it's hellish. How were you with your second pregnancy?

There’s an age gap of 6 years between db and I, and 8 years between my kids. It’s absolutely fine. I love being parent to kids of different ages, it keeps it interesting and it’s far less exhausting than having two tiny kids at the same time!

My ds and dd share an interest in two sports, they are both outdoorsy and love cooking. The age gap sometimes is the biggest pain in the world, and sometimes it warms my heart to see them together. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Good luck with your family journey - however it turns out I’ve a feeling you will be a fab and contented mum.

Sorry to hear of what you've gone/are going through. I have a seven and a half year gap between my two. The baby is six months and took 6 years of ttc (lots of ivf, 3 surgeries and 4 miscarriages, all of our money etc). To be honest I'm pretty resentful about it sometimes as I wanted a two year gap. I'm older than I wanted to be (41 and had a really tough pregnancy and few months after birth) and with an 8 year old our lives were getting so much easier, but we've gone back to no sleep, nappies and push chairs. My eldest will finish primary school just as the baby starts in reception. But... it's also absolutely brilliant. Our family is finally complete and my girls absolutely adore each other. It was worth the many years of medical interventions and heartbreak. They make each other giggle and are just perfect really. Will have to see how they get on over the coming years. My sisters kids are only 3 years apart and don't get on, sometimes kids just don't, whatever age difference.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a 7.5 year age gap between mine because of two miscarriages, an ectopic, then a long IVF journey. We were trying for about 5 years.

Despite having a great relationship with my youngest brother (7 year gap) I worried a lot about whether they’d have anything in common.

However, many of the highlights of my parenting journey wouldn’t have been possible without this gap: how excited the biggest got about the “what fruit is your baby the same size as” pregnancy emails, him helping pick clothes for his new brother, watching him read bedtime stories. I shouldn’t have worried — they’re each others biggest fans!

Obviously they fight sometimes - and it was surprise you what a 9 and 2 year old can find to argue about! And it was a shock to the system being back in the baby days. But I found it easier in many ways because I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel! Plus, my biggest could make his own toast etc when I was glued to the sofa feeding, so it was easier in many ways than having a small gap.

Even though it wasn’t how I might have planned it, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Best of luck.

We planned a 3 year gap. Ended up with 6, nearly 7 year gap. Covid and secondary infertility was the cause. My daughter is now 8 and son 18 months. If I’m honest, it’s wonderful and we love the gap

She was lucky in that she didn’t need the chemo but still had to wait a long time to ttc. And then she had another 2 early Mc 😩
but then had her second baby and we’ve both said we love our age gaps! I wouldn’t want it any closer x

I am in a similar situation without having had #2 yet, turn 40 in September and that is our cutoff to stop. 5/6 mc have almost broken me and I'm worried if we do get pg that it'll be too hard now or ds is so capable, going back to nappies and sleepless nights is not that appealing! Nice to hear the rough and the smooth bits

The age gap between mine is 5. It’s worked out well, so much less conflict and my son can look after my daughter. He can be really sweet with her!

We have a 5 and a half year age gap as a result of secondary infertility (3 failed ivf transfers, fibroid surgeries, hysteroscopies etc), over 2.5 years. Society tells us that small age gaps are preferable but this 5.5 year one is honestly wonderful. My daughter adores her brother and we can explain things to her. She's at school all day which massively helps and she's had our full attention for 5 years so we are really close with her. Yes, the broken sleep is a shock to the system but as someone else mentioned here, we know it doesn't last forever. We did do another ante-natal class and it has been beneficial to meet another group of parents having babies at the same time. So in conclusion big age gaps are actually wonderful!

I dont have any experience of having a large age gap.... there is 22 months between mine ( granted DS was a lovely surprise )

But, I kind of wish I'd of had mine further apart. The closer they are together in age, the more of the same needs and support they have, which seems okay in theory, but it's not,

Theyve both had to share my attention, neither gets much one to one time with me ( single mum no dad on scene ) and somtimes they fight like cat and dog

If I'd of had a bigger age gap I could of focused on one child at a time, had one in school and a newborn, been able to meet their needs better as theyd be at completely different levels

If I was to do it again I'd of had a big age gap. I think it works a lot better for the child

Thank you so much everybody. Sorry for the delay - I'm in hospital for my first round of chemo this week and I've been preoccupied - but this has helped me hugely
There is another lady on the ward starting chemo for a molar pregnancy and interestingly she already has 2 children, 5 years apart! She said it's been brilliant for them. She got broody with an 11 and a 16 year old and here she is dealing with all of this. You've all got me feeling much more positive about the likely outcome (though obviously we never know what the future holds) xx

Doing another baby class is an amazing idea too, thank you

Sorry you are having such a rough time.

Mine have a 5yr 9 month gap due to recurrent miscarriage. I have felt sensitive about this in the past because I envisaged a small gap. BUT- it's been brilliant for us.

Lots of people say 'get all of the nappy stage over and done with'. And that's true. But my youngest still has chubby cheeks and makes adorable mispronunciations on his words and I don't want him to get any bigger. If anything I've been able to really appreciate each of them at their stages.

They also play together really well a lot of the time.

Good luck.

I've finished my chemo 6 weeks ago and my tests are all clear which is great news. I'll be able to start trying next year. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who supported me on this group. I now feel positive about the shape my family will take (I pray so) rather than considering throwing in the towel. You can be hyper focused on what your NCT lot have done, but once I widened my vision I saw lots of other shapes and sizes!