Emotional flashbacks

[3mma22]

I had a MMC 12.5 years ago and have not been the same since. Day to day I’m fine but if something goes wrong I have a big panic about losing everything: I did lose my baby, my house and my job in the same week. Life is good now but I don’t know if I’d have the strength to go through that again! DH can get frustrated by my pessimistic overreactions when I used to be quite an optimistic person.

I feel like I’m irreparably changed by the MC, however a friend recently gently broached that she thinks I could be having emotional flashbacks.
She is a refugee from a war zone with some psychological training and suggested seeking some support.

Has anyone else got experience of emotional flashbacks?

Did you find any treatment helped?

Tia

Hi lovely. I'm so sorry about your loss. It sounds like you had such a lot on your plate at the same time and that can be really traumatic. You might benefit from EMDR therapy? I found in my own circumstances it really helped me be able to manage things and I no longer have the flashbacks that you describe. I really hope you're able to access some solid support. No matter the time that passes you'll never forget your baby x

It was quite a lot all at once, and I was very much surrounded by an attitude of oh you’ve had a miscarriage time to get up and on with life rather than any space to grieve. The waiting list for counselling was 18 months and then the CBT focussed on my “unhelpful thoughts” which completely invalidated my experience and still makes me feel very angry!

I’m glad to hear you found some therapy that helped and no longer have flashbacks - that’s great :)

Are you comfortable sharing how it helps at all (I understand that might not be appropriate)?

Thanks for giving me some hope! X

I’m sorry for your loss. I had therapy, both individual and group, following our third loss. It was ectopic and I kept having flashbacks and generally wasn’t coping very well.

Miscarriage is so hard, especially if there’s other compounding factors to deal with at the time.

The group therapy was with the Miscarriage Association. Anyone is welcome, regardless of when the loss took place. I found being with women who understood so profoundly helpful in recovering emotionally. The individual therapy was private talking therapy and so useful too.

I hope you find the support you’re looking for. Wishing you the best.

Sorry for your losses too @SagittariusUprising it’s really hard.

I found the miscarriage association supportive in the year or so after via email and forum but at the time they didn’t offer or recommend any kind of therapy. I did find it hard to relate though as not as many women seemed to have had a missed miscarriage and then those that had, still had their home/safe space to retreat to.

I have tried some private talking therapies but they’ve not helped:
the first told me I’d had a miscarriage not lost a baby.

The CBT given after that was aimed at helping me with these “unhelpful thoughts” of “I’ve lost my baby I might lose something else”

I was re-referred a good few years later and I was told I was doing really well with no clinical mental health problems, the “unhelpful
thoughts” / CBT approach wouldn’t work as I was dealing with things in a pragmatic way however I was overwhelmed by a lot of separate stressful situations and no time or space to practise relaxation or to process events.

I hadn’t considered any other therapy at all or even thought it would be at all appropriate until my friend suggested it could be flashbacks. I assumed flashbacks always had visuals!

Glad you found good help. All
the best to you too.

When I say flashbacks it’s was more an overwhelming feeling of being back in the situation, if that makes sense?

It sounds to me as if the therapists you spoke to weren’t qualified to be dealing with pregnancy loss/miscarriage. The therapist I went to specialised in post-partum change and also bereavement. She was extremely respectful and kind and was the first person to mention trauma to me regarding the losses. You went through a series of events that many people would find traumatic on their own all at the same time. I expect a good therapist would be able to help you unpick that.

I should still have the therapists details. Message me if you’d be interested. I believe she does online now following the pandemic.

I had EMDR to deal with birth trauma and it helped massively. So would definitely recommend.

Search online to see if you have a local Maternal Mental Health Service- they are offshoots of perinatal mental health teams and support women who have experienced perinatal loss or trauma in the past. They are psychology led and can offer therapy.

Thank you for the suggestion @Bucket07 I had a quick look and there isn’t one in my area, it’s not the best area for mental health support anyway.

@SagittariusUprising

Yes that does make sense. Mine is almost like a reflex that I’m going to lose everything again, sometimes I can calm down / pull it back together reasonably quickly, other times particularly when I’m tired or due on I can’t process that I’m not thinking logically. Either way the initial panic is always there.

Most of the therapists I spoke to were just standard NHS CBT, I wasn’t referred to them for baby loss or trauma of any kind, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put on antidepressants because I wasn’t coping a couple of weeks after the miscarriage so the referral was for generalised anxiety disorder.

I did have a couple of private sessions with a counsellor who specialised in pregnancy loss - she was the worst! When I told her I resonated with an article she had written about stillbirth and how hard it was to walk around with a still pregnant body but a dead baby she was the one who said I’d had a miscarriage, not lost a “formed” (full term)baby. Yet the thing I struggle(ed) with most was being pregnant but with a dead baby, my body letting me down. And the miscarriage was medically managed so I did see my tiny baby. And tbh I think all these years later it still makes me question whether my loss is valid or whether by saying I’ve lost a baby I’m invalidating or offending people who’ve experienced stillbirth.

Your loss is valid and I’m really shocked that a professional said that to you.

There isn’t an exchange rate on grief. Of course losing a full term baby would be absolutely devastating, but it doesn’t make a miscarriage inconsequential. Just as you’re not invalidating someone else’s pain by having your own.

I completely get what you were saying. I haven’t had a missed miscarriage myself, but a friend who has expressed very similar feelings about feeling her body has let her down.

I would urge you to try again. Gently, you’ve tried on your own for 12 years, it feels like you need some help to really process this. I felt so broken before therapy, I thought it would take forever to put me back together again. But I saw the light at the end of the tunnel after only a few weeks. Have screening calls with therapists until you find someone who fits. Wishing you all the best