Will I ever get over my miscarriage?

[Francescarae]

I found out at my 12 week scan in the 27th of December that I’d had a missed miscarriage, I had an ERPC on the 19th of January and had a complication in surgery which was stressful as I ended up in ICU . it was our first pregnancy after 8 years of trying and it was IVF so it was stressful to even get pregnant, we were so so happy, it was so longed for and wished for and prayed for, I’m still struggling to get over it, it’s all I think about and I want to try again but I’m scared of something going wrong again, I would of been in my 7th month of pregnancy now and I can’t stop thinking about it, I cry most days, I really feel like no one understands, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through x

First time around I had such an strong need to get pregnant again , which I did and that helped but unfortunately lost it then. It took about 3 months for me to get over that. I went to a lovely lady for acupuncture since my first loss and she really helped, I would 💯 recommend it. My loss in May was a chemical and somehow I didn't find it as tough as the first two losses, maybe because I had scans with the first two. Xx

Ive now had my 3rd miscarrage in 16 months, it does hurt, and my god it hurts a lot, but you learn to live with it.
I didnt think after my second id be able to deal with every day life.
I had 2 little baby loss boxes given by the hospital and it was hard to walk into a room where it was going to be my babys and see those boxes.
But in the end i realised, theres more than just a loss, there was an experience ive had, an experience id be able to pass on to other people, to advise them and emotionally be there for people who have been through a loss. No matter whether it was a termination, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, molar, or ivf loss.
Its still an experience that when you come to terms with it yourself, you will be able to share your experience with someone going through a loss. Its traumatic, its emotional, it hurts. But in the long run you learn to deal with it the best you can.

Please if you can listen to the audiobook worst girl gang ever.

If not get the book, bex and laura are fantasic, their book is beautifully worded and has helped with my recent one, my emotional feelings and anger towards it.

You'll get through it in time OP, dont be so hard on yourself x

@LER2023 I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. I cannot believe how much it all hurts.

i have actually downloaded their audio book and listened to the first chapter and stopped as i was worried it was forcing me to think about it all more, but having said that I haven’t stopped thinking about it so maybe that’s not the case, i found Bex’s podcast story on missed miscarriage really good as it was nice to actually hear that someone else had found it really hard, will give the audio book another go.

weirdly i was devastated but really keen and ready to try again asap before i went in for my ERPC and since the complication and ending up in ICU I’ve got really scared and need to try and shake it as I really do want to try again, back at the hospital next week to have my cervix checked as there is something showing on it which wasn’t there pre pregnancy which is odd and also adds to all the fears and frustration, hopefully after that we can try again.

x

I am very sorry for your loss.
No, I dont think you will ever "get over it" but you will find a way around it and with time it will get less painful and you may only shed a tear on your due date or date of miscarriage etc.
I am almost 20 years on from mine and on certain days it still hurts like hell but I am mostly ok.
Be kind to yourself and grieve however you want. Most people won't understand what you lost and as time goes on you will get less and less empathy and sympathy - DH was great at the time but I very much doubt he knows what our babies DOB would have been for example.
Ignore other peoples expectations of you.
xx

I'm very sorry you have gone through this. I can't imagine what your experience has been like but I had a molar pregnancy for my first pregnancy and still find it traumatic and raw almost two years on. I've since had a baby but even so other people's easy and carefree pregnancies can feel very upsetting. I would take a step back from seeing the friend you mention, and maybe even explain why. One of my best friends was pregnant at the same time as me, and I had to hide away from her until after my 20 week scan, but I told her and she completely understand. With the due date, can you mark it in a small way? Like buying a plant or having a meal or something? Something that allows you to remember but maybe something that helps you think of the future too. I actually found that I felt so relieved after my due date, like it allowed me to move on from it more easily. Sending a big hug to you x

@LER2023 You put that beautifully; there is something very important and life-affirming in being there for other women

I am sorry for your loss. Grief is strange. I lost twins over ten years ago at 19 weeks, I still think of them a little everyday. Key dates are still hard but it's like someone has put a coating over my grief.

There is no timeline nor any particular way to deal with grief. I had a four year old at the time and went on a year later to have a second child to hold, so my experience was different.

no he literally changes the conversation and says I need to see a dr if I’m still struggling with it which makes me feel worse, he also says all his family have died so he’s had to get used to it.

It sounds like you're not getting the emotional support you need from the person who should be closest to you in all this. When trying to talk about this stuff, 'I feel' statements are often helpful to address things without blame and them getting defensive. E.g:
'I feel sad and alone when I try to talk about my feelings and you shut me down'. 'I feel that my feelings are unimportant and invalid when you refer to your own grief.'

Possibly helpful for dealing with an emotionally avoidant partner, it helped me:

e

So sorry to hear this, I hope time makes it more bearable.
I went though the IVF rollercoaster but got there on my third round and I’m 15 weeks.
I’m hoping you get there too x

@SarahJTin thanks for sharing with me, I’m so pleased you have got there.

i really hope we do too, we will hopefully be able to do another embryo transfer soon, I frustratingly have a hematoma on my cervix which is basically a blood clot from my miscarriage surgery complications so once that’s gone we can apparently try again, the consultant thinks it will take 2 months for it to go, it’s scary thinking of having another embryo transfer but I want to be pregnant more than anything, we’ve got two more embryos. I’ve been feeling better but had a set back today as my friend who was only a few weeks behind me announced her gender reveal today and it’s made me so down x

So sorry to read about your loss and those of other posters.

i have had 4 miscarriages - 2 being MMC. My last one was in August and my due date for this baby would have been last month and I had several normal scans until at one there was no heartbeat.
I feel like I’m suffocating and the world is going on and I put a brave face on and do normal things like go to work and make small talk at the supermarket but I am screaming inside.

Miscarriage grief is difficult because so many people around you have no clue about what you are going through or even that you were pregnant

I wish you all the best

I'm also so sorry that you've been through this.

I had a horrific miscarriage at 16 weeks (28 years ago). Details are too horrible to even think about. A few days after the loss I started lactating which felt like the cruelest trick by nature.

Naively, I thought I'd 'get over it' in a few weeks, but I was actually completely devastated for years. I got pregnant again about 6 months later and it took away the worst of the pain. (But the loss and devastation of what happened has never left me. I probably should have got some support.)

You WILL go on to have your much wanted baby...

@Ttcafterlosses its just so hard isn’t it, I like you put on a brave face, I feel like every time I start to feel normal I have another set back, or a memory of when I was pregnant or the dreams I had for our baby or dealing with my pregnant friend moaning about her pregnancy, it’s all too much sometimes.

i really hope we get our rainbows. Im so scared to try again but obviously will when we are allowed to, miscarriage grief is so intense and the triggers are horrendous.

so sorry you are going through this too, I’m worried about how I’m going to feel around the due date which is the 10th of July x

@Francescarae Thank you for posting this and I'm so sorry you've been through such a traumatic time.

I've just had my 2nd MC, MMC found at 8 weeks after seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks. We've been TTC for 3 years and it hurts so much I don't know how I'm going to carry on. And what you say about feeling like everything starts to feel normal and then something else sets you back really resonated with me.

Only yesterday did I finally get the negative test 4 weeks after the MC was confirmed. I was starting to feel positive and focusing on the future and trying again and then a close friend messaged me to say she's 12 weeks pregnant. Due almost the same time I would have been. It floored me. I stood in the shower and just cried. Then I feel even worse for not feeling happy for her. But the thought of having to watch her pregnancy progress at the same time mine should have been feels so cruel.

@Loz365 i am so sorry you are going through this. It’s so so hard, by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

I completely get it, my friend announced her gender reveal yesterday and we were only a few weeks apart, I cried non stop yesterday evening and said some things that weren’t very nice, I told my husband I was blocking her number and that I never wanted to see her again and that she doesn’t deserve it as she already has 3 children and I am happy to have 1 (hopefully) then I spent the rest of the evening feeling guilty about what I had said but it’s so hard, I haven’t been able to see her or really speak to her as it’s too painful for me.

The feelings around miscarriage are so rubbish. This has been a big set back for me, I thought I was moving forward, you will get there, we are strong.

My mum told me I need to forget about it and move forwards but it’s so hard and I also don’t want to forget about my baby

sending you so much love and I’m here any time you want to chat x