Miscarriage emotions

[PearlCat]

Hi all,

I haven't often posted on here but feel quite desperate for some support/understanding/reassurance off others who have experienced loss. 4 weeks ago we lost our first baby at 7 weeks. It was traumatic, not only the loss but it was a pregnancy of unknown location/threatened ectopic, so I had to have a laparoscopy for them to find the baby.

It's been hell to go through - we were trying for a year and I just feel so unbelievably empty inside. I've just finished my first period and want to start trying again but I'm left with so much fear - fear for it taking a long time, fear of it happening again, fear that someone else will be taken away from me. I feel to blame in some way and keep comparing myself to other women - like they are better than me, healthier and more fertile than me. It's horrible to feel this way. My sister in law just announced she is pregnant and due the same as us so that's absolutely wiped me from under my feet. Thinking it was meant to be our turn and now I'm yet again watching someone else be happy.

I guess I'm just wanting to hear some positive stories of hope to try and break me out of this dark space. And maybe just that writing it down and being heard by other mothers who have been through loss might help take some of the weight off. Thank you xxx

Hi - I had a miscarriage 17 years ago & I know what you're going through.
It's hell on earth & you think you'll never get over it.
Everyone is getting pregnant around you & everywhere you look are babies & baby things.
I took me a week to physically recover & another week to stop crying. Even when I went back to work I cried on the journey in & often went for a cry in the stock cupboard. You think you'll never get pregnant again...... Fortunately I did (twice) and I hope you will too ❤️xx

Thank you for your comforting words of understanding. I have never felt pain like this before. I hope we get our rainbow 🌈

*bump

@PearlCat no advice as I am exactly the same position, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that these feelings are natural. I am in an incredibly dark place right now, but it's still slightly brighter than in the immediate aftermath of my loss at the end of Jan

I am so sorry you are sharing this pain. It is agony and leaves you with a shadow of fear. Thank you for sharing your understanding with me. It sometimes feels so so lonely.

@PearlCat hello! You definitely aren't alone, I've had two back to back MMCs (12 weeks and 10 weeks). I do have a living child so I try to remain hopeful.

It does get easier over time, some things will bring it up back to the surface again though and that's normal. I seemed to have a high number of pregnancy announcements from friends in the immediate aftermath! We'll be back TTC later this month which is somewhat the light at the end of the tunnel after a pause since Jan x

I'm sorry to hear of your two losses. That must have been very difficult to process I can imagine. Sending you my best wishes for the future ❤️. We are starting to try again soon, but this time I want to start with a different, stronger mindset as TTC before was full of anxiety - found I became obsessive and it felt like it took ages.

I’m so sorry to hear of your MC @PearlCat
I had a MMC in November at 10wks which I had medically managed. The following months were so tough. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant people, and was always thinking about how many weeks pregnant I would be now etc. It was a dark time.

For me, getting straight back into TTC was the only way I could see moving forwards. It probably became a bit unhealthy really with how consumed I was by it. Then last month I fell pregnant again - it’s still early days & I feel full of fear but a weight has been lifted for now.
But with time the agony I was in from my MC has lessened, and even though I think about it a lot, and think what stage I would now be at, time does start to heal.

Wishing you all the luck, and hope over time you will start to feel a little more like yourself again x

Sorry for your loss op. Reading your post brought back all the feelings I had when I had a mmc with my first pregnancy, like you it had taken nearly a year to conceive. The sonographer said he couldn't find anything and then a Dr came. She told me not to cry because it's worse for women whose pregnancies continue and then they end up with disabled child....what a thing to say. So I felt like a complete fraud and then it got worse when after medical managent I discovered it was a molar pregnancy and I had to be monitored for cancerous cells for ages after so couldn't ttc again for at least 6 months. In the mean time my bf became pregnant, then my sil and a work colleague gave birth. I felt devastated inside and everywhere I looked people were happily pregnant but I felt like I was meant to just get on with things. It really feels dreadful when you are grieving that loss because to other people it's just early on and not so bad but I think when you are excited to be pregnant even early on you imagine the baby and being a Mum. I found my second pregnancy very hard, felt like it was going to go wrong again and couldn't really believe it till I had a baby in my arms.

Anyway, my first baby is now nearly 6ft and eating me out of house and home and that time is a distant memory. For now, just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Wishing you lots of luck for the next pregnancy. I did go on to have a second early mc between my first baby and my second but somehow that loss wasn't nearly as devastating as the first one. Remember, everyone has a different experience and whatever you are feeling is valid. Be brave!

@PearlCat so sorry to hear of your loss sweet. It really is awful. I've had 3 MCs back to back (March 23, Aug 23 and Jan 24) so I totally understand how you feel. I also know the fear and anxiety you describe about TTC again. I don't know if it ever goes away but it does get slightly easier to cope with. Everything you are feeling right now is valid and anyone who tells you otherwise you should probably stay away from for the time being. Please remember that it is ok to cry, shout, scream and be sad but it is also ok to smile, laugh and be happy. Talk to your DP and spend quality time with him and those you love. Take time for and be kind to yourself. There is no timeframe for 'feeling better' or indeed continuing with TTC. Each lady is different so never compare to others. I know the torment of other people being pregnant on the same timeline - my SIL gave birth last Tuesday on what would have been my due date from my second MC (and it was 4 weeks early so even more unexpected). And yes you're right it sweeps you off your feet like a tsunami. Just know you are not alone sweet. We're all here together working out the logistics of this crazy path we've been thrown on. All the ladies here are lovely and you will always be met with kindness.

Take care, look after yourself 💐 💐

I'm sorry it is hard especially when you are tying for your first it's devastating. I have had two and both times I got pregnant and went on to have both my children after. It means I have a different view now on those miscarriages. The first time I had 1 period then got pregnant again and the second I didn't have a period I fell again straight away. Both times had taken 6/7 months to get pregnant the first time so not something that had happened really quickly. Hang in there it will be your turn.

Sending lots of love. I’m currently going through a miscarriage after two previous back to back early loses. I am in a very dark place right now but all I can advise is take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and try to look after yourself as well as you can. You have been through trauma x

@NotPregnantmamatoad awww sweet I'm sorry you're in this dark place too. I've had three back to back losses too so can totally understand where you're coming from. Have you been able to discuss how you feel with your DP or a family member/friend. Its so hard to comprehend the complexity of emotions that we're being forced through ATM. I hope you can find something to make you smile today 💐 💐 sending you love and a hand hold

Yes I’ve been very lucky as I have lots of support from my partner and family/friends. Such a hard time xx

@NotPregnantmamatoad that's good to hear sweet. Hope you are taking care of yourself 💐

Thank you all so so much for your messages back today - I really needed them and hearing your kind words, understanding and true empathy makes things feel a little less lonely. I've had a few evenings this week where I didn't feel I could make it through the night, just so much crying, hollow screams and anger. I'm so sorry for all of your losses - life can be very cruel and unkind. Your stories of rainbow babies really do offer hope. It's so hard to understand and get your head around how for some women the journey seems to be so smooth and then for so many of us complex. The journey ttc itself is a minefield which just forces comparison with other women. Our hearts are stretching, ready for the day we meet our babies in our arms and always for the ones we have lost 💙 they will never be forgotten. Xxxx

I am sending you all my love and any strength I can offer you. It is total, gut wrenching agony that isn't spoken off enough in society. Take it day by day and hour by hour - blue sky and sunshine out of the window offers a little bit of comfort in this time I am finding 💙 xxx

@nearly8
I can't believe you were told that at the hospital - that is just awful! Whatever gestation we were all at - we are a mother from the minute those two lines appear if not before, in all those months of trying and waiting and trying again, you imagine it. I've definitely felt a recent pressure to start moving on and others just forgetting, baby pictures being posted on WhatsApp groups with moaning parents. It's just too much - I just want to remove myself from it all. I've had to tell my SIL that I can't be involved and need to be distant due to dates being the same. It's all very isolating and lonely. Thank you for your kindness. This community really does help. Xxx

Hey OP, I wanted to jump on, probably a bit late (sorryyyyy) in the last week ive unfortunately gone through my 3rd miscarriage in 16 months. Its so hard, it really is, emotionally, physically, mentally.
Its bloody hard, my brother and his girlfriend are currently having a baby and shes due in June, we of course was pregnant at the same time, but i cant bare to see her at the moment knowing shes going to have a healthy baby and im not.
Yes id have been due in November, so our babies would have had a small age gap but it excited me knowing that our baby would have a little friend, of course it hasnt turned out like that.
Your feelings are completely normal.
When you do come to trying again, its a completely different pregnancy, out of the people i know one of my friends has also had 3 miscarriages, my partners sister had a miscarriage and then went on to have a healthy baby, hes now 11!! My partners cousin she had a miscarriage and now has a 10 year old. So it can happen you can have a healthy baby after miscarrage. Its just a scary time, the first 12 week is harder than anything during the pregnancy and your next pregnancy everything will scare you, you will try to be extra careful. Please dont blame yourself, it isnt your fault that its happened, it could be anything, but it wont be you.
You've not actively put your unborn babys life in danger (excessively drinking alcohol, doing drugs).
It takes a while, but you will be okay. Just take some time to come to terms with it first. Sorry for your loss OP, Sending you lots of love x