Trying again: Partner and I on different pages

[Fineskylark]

I am lucky to have a gorgeous toddler who is happy and healthy. I have also been unlucky, having had to have a termination at 24 weeks in 2020 after baby had catastrophic genetic issues, and now a MMC with my recent third pregnancy. The two occurrences appear to be unrelated, genetic testing shows nothing at odds for partner and I. It is most likely just awful awful luck, twice, in two different ways.

I want another baby, and want to try again. But now my partner is saying he is worried we’re ill fated, that maybe we have pushed our luck having our amazing boy, and that he is not sure he can 1) cope with more sadness and seeing me so distraught and 2) cope with potentially having a baby with complex needs. He thinks we should count our blessings and stop now.

How do we possibly get onto the same page with this, without one person resenting the other? I am 39 in a couple of weeks, so time is against us. The thought of not having another baby feels me with sadness, but it’s not just about me. Please help/advise….

Hi OP, first of all I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much.

I honestly don’t think that this is something you can really “talk the other person” into. Neither of you are necessarily right or wrong, you just feel differently about this and I can totally see both of your view points. I suppose if there is no wiggle room for either of you then ultimately you have to think about the impact on the whole family unit, although not having another child would be upsetting for you, having a baby that your partner doesn’t want would be destructive for your whole family.

I know you have mentioned your age and time being a factor but I honestly think you need to take a breather and really let some time pass so that you can all heal & get a bit of head space. After the experience of your last two pregnancies I think it’s understandable that your partner feels the way he does, it’s a really difficult thing to go through and if that is still where his head is at then it’s not surprising that he doesn’t want to try again. It may be that once some time has passed, focusing on the family you have and making some lovely memories, that he feels differently x

I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve been in a similar place. Staring down 40, following multiple losses including an ectopic that nearly killed me, while trying for our second. My husband wanted to stop because he was worried we were risking too much. I understood, but my heart just wanted a sibling for our eldest. It’s such a personal decision and so emotive. In the end, we paused while we processed what had happened and agreed to talk in a couple of months. At that point we were both back on board, but we agreed to review the decision every six months. We did, happily, go on to have another. He’s now a bashy almost two year old. Wishing you all the best 💐

Me and my partner were on different pages when it came to having a second child and whenever we spoke about it we would argue. We ended up having couples counselling so we could talk about it together in a more constructive way and it really helped me to understand my partners worries and helped him in alleviating those worries and we ended up on the same page at the end. I couldn't recommend it enough. I'm sorry for the experiences you have had and I hope you can both work it out together.