Traumatic miscarriage

[gonewithtthewind]

Hello,

This post may be really long, and I'm not entirely sure what I want from it. Maybe just to vent; I'm not sure.

In November last year I had my 5th miscarriage, I have one daughter.

My last four miscarriages were before I had my daughter and the 5th one was after I had her, the 4 before her were much earlier on, around 6/7 weeks so of course they were beyond awful but they were no where near as bad as the one I had in November. I feel like I possibly have some trauma from it; I've no clue but the whole thing was incredibly traumatic and I play it over in my head over and over; I get no help or support from anyone for what I went through.

I was 13 weeks pregnant, I thought everything was fine; we were told everything was fine. But I started bleeding when I was alone with my daughter, and it gradually got worse and worse, I was in so much pain, I've never felt pain like it, I was being sick, bleeding loads and my partner wouldn't come home from work so I had my daughter crying in next to me, but I couldn't do anything about it as I was so unwell. Nobody would come to help me either. This went on for a good few hours, I managed to put my daughter to bed but I was still in a lot of pain, at around 8pm I passed the baby, I seen it, it was small but not tiny, completely in tact, the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen, I didn't even think it was possible to see the actual baby at that point. I didn't know what to do with it, I wrapped it in tissue until my partner got home, because in my mind tjay was the only logical thing I could think to do. The pain stopped shortly after, I carried on bleeding for days after but that slowly stopped, I never had anymore scans, or check ups, as stupid as it was I just couldn't face it. The baby was cremated. I think had to just carry on like nothing happened, that's all I have been doing but I feel so much guilt, so much sadness and so much fear. It's eating me alive.

I'm sorry if this is triggering; that's not what I intended. I guess I just needed to get it out because I haven't really told anyone, I don't talk about it. I don't feel I can

I had similar 20 years ago and it still haunts me. Please get some sort of support/therapy. You’ve been through a trauma and could do with support.

I went through the same 10 years ago, I was 13 weeks too. It is so traumatising and such a lonely grief, I don’t think anyone can really understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. I don’t know if it helps at all but a new law from early 2024 means you can now apply for a baby loss certificate to recognise a pregnancy lost before 24 weeks, if that is any comfort at all.

i am very sorry for your loss, look after yourself 🩷

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I also had a traumatic loss, but an ectopic, so it was different in many ways. But I recognise what you are saying about guilt, sadness and fear. Also the flashbacks. I was scared that the experience had broken me somehow.

I discovered some wonderful group sessions from the miscarriage association, and also did some individual therapy. I thought I was so broken nothing would help, but bizarrely also felt I had nothing to lose, so I gave it a go. Being with a group of women who understood was so powerful, as was the individual therapy. In some areas charities give free therapy sessions to women who have lost pregnancies too.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and that you had no one to support you. Support is out there. Wishing you all the best 💐

@gonewithtthewind so sorry for your loss. I’ve had a loss at 11 weeks after a normal scan at 10 weeks . I did have surgical management in the end which was easier but it was a very traumatic experience for various reasons. Could you get some counselling to talk it through? I don’t live in the uk but I got some phone counselling sessions from the miscarriage association where I live (Ireland) which really helped me , I think you can avail of this in the uk also if that is where you live. I don’t normally go in for things like counselling and I would be too private to attend a group session. The sessions were over the phone with an experienced counsellor and it really helped me to talk it through and many tears were shed over the sessions. Do you have any close friends or family members you could talk to either ? I did tell my sister which was also of help. It’s not an easy thing to talk to people about so can understand you not telling people.