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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Telling people?

9 replies

PrePG · 25/03/2008 11:28

We hadn't told DH's family (except for his brother and SIL) that we were expecting because we were worried about something going wrong and were waiting for the magic 12 week mark. Well, now that something has gone wrong (I had a mmc at 11 weeks), I feel like I'd rather people knew because it would explain a lot and would prevent any unknowing comments. Does anyone else feel like this?

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LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We found this too. We told our parents and let them spread the word to the rest of the family. Maybe you could ask his brother to let everyone know if it's too painful for you.

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rosebury · 25/03/2008 11:50

hello prepg I am so sorry I have followed your story from other threads and have been sobbing lots for you. We decided to tell everyone from around eight weeks thinking that if something did go wrong family and friends would be aware and able to act accordingly. I know that if it was someone within my family or a friend who lost a baby I would want to be aware of it.

Losing a most wanted baby is nothing to be ashamed of we should not have to hide away and suffer in silence, you may be surprised at where you find support and understanding. lots of love and take care of each other xx.

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squilly · 25/03/2008 12:40

It's so tough in a situation like this. You keep things quiet in case something goes wrong, but if it does go wrong, you need support. Then you have to tell people what's happened anyway!

I had 3 mcs and told people I was pg the first time, not the second or third and waited til we were 14wks b4 announcing the 4th.

I found that the 2 where I didn't tell were harder, in some ways, because we had to tell people I'd been pregnant and I'd lost the baby.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and think that LilRedWG is on the right lines. Tell someone in the family/at work/amongst your friends who will spread the news for you.

Hopefully, you'll get lots of support from then on. Take care of yourself and it sounds twee, but good luck for next time.

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scotlass · 25/03/2008 17:34

Hi prepg, I was in the same situation as you in January, mmc at 11+wks. Only 2 colleagues at work and 2 friends who had guessed knew I was pregnant but we ended up telling both sets of parents, a few good friends and my bosses at work after it all happened. I'd miscarried naturally at 8wks in the July 2007 on holiday with my parents in Florida (killer) and hadn't told them or anyone else. I just couldn't hold it together as well this time. I took 4wks off and that looked really suspicious as I'm never off! It actually felt like a huge weight off my shoulders sharing it with others and I think DH needed external emotional support cos I was too upset. It's also made me feel less stressed trying to pretend nothing's happened when I felt so pissed off with the world. Only thing is I feel like everyone will be thinking we're ttc again now and I really don't want pressure like that.

Anyway I think telling a couple of people and asking them to let the others you want to know is the best way. My mum told my gran but told her it was not for general discussion (especially not in the local pensioners club!)

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

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ClairePO · 25/03/2008 19:49

I was in the same position as you, I had told my parents, we had each told close friends but hadn't told DP's mother because we were busy getting ready to go on holiday and we thought we would tell her when we got back. Miscarried whilst away and we did tell her what had happened immediately upon return.

And I agree with LilRedWG and Squilly, it helps when people can be told and tell others for you if that is what you want. My parents told my siblings and a close friend told the other friends in my small group of girlfriends who knew about the pregnancy. It was a relief not to have to go into it too many times.

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catzy · 25/03/2008 21:16

I told family and close friends. I think it helps to have people close to you knowing. Sometimes its hard for people to know how much sympathy to give or even if to mention it at all. But the people you love and love you would want to support you and understand. x

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FAWKEOFF · 25/03/2008 21:21

so sorry PREPG....i think you should tell family and friends, i chose not to do this with my third miscarriage and subsequently felt sooooo alone, and pissed off that no one clicked on there was something the matter with me ( i know im a wierdo)....i eventually told my mum last year and she was really hurt that i didnt tell her and got all upset x you may need their support more than you think x

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PrePG · 26/03/2008 12:44

Thanks for your messages everyone. It just feels weird that we've just gone through this huge thing and it's a big secret...but it's all slightly awkward now because DH's brother and SIL have just told us that they're expecting - would've been within weeks of our due date. DH feels we should tell his mother and father, but I don't want to dampen anyone's spirits before or after they hear BIL & SIL's good news . We had told all of my family that I was pregnant at around 10 weeks, and then of course had to tell them about the miscarriage, so they all know.

I guess I'll just take my lead from DH - it's his family and he knows better how they work.

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quarkee · 26/03/2008 18:56

{{{hugs}}} PrePG what a nightmare re SIL although lovely for them. If it were me I think I'd let the family do the telling for you - we've just had to tell our family and i di my sisters and DH did his mum - not good but better they know so they can look after you both. I agree re ttc pressure though - i cant bear people feeling sorry for me at the best of times - the scan waiting area at the EPAU today was bad enough...Let you MIL tell the rest of them...