I just need to write this down, and I have changed my name, which I do a lot, because I post about all sorts of bits and bobs, and this is probably very outing.
Termination 2005. Am at peace with it. But I blame it, karma style, God style for what was to come. I'm aware that people will tell me that's nonsense!
2018 beautiful healthy boy.
2019 spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks. Absolutely terrifying experience in a&e. The baby was perfect as in, no issues that would cause a miscarriage, (I had had an NIPT prior) but the placenta had failed.
2020 miscarriage at 6 weeks. Very upsetting, but much less traumatic this time, so tried again the very next month.
2020 beautiful healthy boy.
2021 missed miscarriage at 17 weeks. Again, there had been a placenta & umbilical failing. In my mind these lovely little older babies didn't have enough to eat, and that eats me up inside, pardon the pun.
2022 miscarriage at 6 weeks, local anasthetic procedure, very gentle and caring staff.
2023 miscarriage at about 10 weeks. This is what I don't want to forget. There are so many now, I don't want to forget. In consultation with the hospital, I let nature take its course, and bled very badly, though no-one could have known that beforehand. I was afraid, and fainting away, dizzy and delirous. An ambulance was called and I had a painful emergency procedure with tongs, followed a week later by a local anaestasia for a procedure to complete things.
Yesterday, missed miscarriage at 11+1 discovered at the 12 week scan. I am to have a general anaestasia as I can't face letting nature take its course again.
I have two beautiful children, both of whom were delighted with the news of a new sibling. I should be happy with my two. But when we married I told my husband I felt we would have three. He is so supportive and jokes he's more than happy to "try". He would love a third too, but puts no pressure on me at all, and we are raising our children to be kind, good people who care for our planet.
I don't know where to go from here. I obviously can have healthy babies, or at least, I could, past tense. This is just so difficult, and as can be seen from my timeline, I'm pretty old now, in pregnancy terms.
I'm not expecting anyone to make a decision for me, I just wanted a place to write all this down, and I expect there are ladies amongst you who are in a similar or worse situation.