Not coping/need to vent

[HighlyStrung1987]

I miscarried at Christmas, starting late on Christmas eve night. I knew it was coming because my morning sickness had disappeared and the sonographer was unable to confirm that the pregnancy was viable one way or another at an early assurance scan and we were asked to return in three weeks. I already knew instinctively that the pregnancy was doomed and we wouldn't make it to the next scan, and was absolutely beside myself with grief. My partner was supportive, but annoyingly optimistic and chose to believe everything might still be ok. He didn't know how to handle my emotional outbursts and clearly felt very helpless. A couple of days after the scan we drove hundreds of miles to spend Christmas with his family (me crying most of the journey) and ended up spending the day just the two of us in our airbnb while I miscarried. We both cried and drank too much and it was just really, really sad. His family were nice enough about the situation, but were fairly useless and have been unintentionally quite insensitive, referring to the pregnancy and miscarriage as 'basically a missed period' or ignoring the subject entirely out of sheer awkwardness. My partner feels really unsupported by them. My friends and family have been better, but I feel as though people think we should be moving on and getting over it by now because it was so early and we hadn't told anyone yet. What they don't understand is that my partner and I had already spent weeks feeling like parents, imagining our future child, discussing names and making plans for a new life as a family. I had morning sickness and felt very pregnant. We both became changed people when we saw the positive on that pregnancy test, and now it feels like we don't know who we are. It wasn't an easy journey conceiving and may not happen for us again, and if it does the odds of another miscarriage are high, so it's not a case of just drawing a line under it and trying again. I feel so incredibly lonely and low and wake up crying in the mornings. I have no idea how anyone gets over this feeling. Sorry to rant with no real purpose, I just feel totally isolated and miserable and hoped someone might be able to offer some reassurance or comfort.

Ah OP I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unlikely other people will ever respond the way you want or need them to. And what everyone wants is different.
I think your line about becoming changed people when you get the test result is so true. Whether the pg is 4 weeks or 8 weeks when you see that positive test you see the whole future change.
I wouldn't be too hard on the family. They will have felt powerless and people say such stupid things.
Did someone tell you you will have a high chance of another miscarriage? As that isn't normally the case (and I hope it isn't for you).

You’re not alone. I had a mmc and felt like my world had fallen apart. I also miscarried over Christmas and it was really bloody hard.
You’re allowed to grieve and feel all the emotions that go with that. Be kind to yourself.
Have you been told by medics that the risks of another miscarriage are extra high? Having one miscarriage doesn’t mean it would happen again.
I don’t know if it helps but the year after my Christmas miscarriage I was 8 and a half months pregnant. I now have two kids.

But I will never forget my losses.

Thank you both for your kind words. @Wolfiefan I'm sorry for your loss and I'm so glad you have your two children now. And @Iggi999 I do totally realise that the people in our lives often don't know the right things to say in this particular situation (I have been in their position before and in retrospective I fear I may have completely mishandled things now that I’ve been on this side of it), but knowing this doesn't really help. It feels like our grief isn't valid or important to anyone and I'm finding myself feeling increasingly angry and bitter, which is obviously counterproductive and unfair. I have a health condition that makes conception hard, and early term miscarriage far more likely, and I'm turning 37 this year. My partner also has issues his side, so this pregnancy really felt like a miracle for us.

I hope you're getting support on the medical side, and honestly I got far more emotional support on mumsnet than I ever did in real life.
If it's in any way positive to hear, I had dc1 at 37 and dc2 (after several mcs) at 42. It's not time to give up yet, by the sound of it.

I'm sorry OP, just offering you a bit of solidarity. I too miscarried over Christmas, actually I haven't passed the foetus yet as I found out at my 10 weeks scan it was 8 weeks with no heartbeat, but my body doesn't seem to want to let go. It's pretty heartbreaking in itself to think that the little spirit inside me is still hanging on. I have an appt on Monday but honestly am just trying not to think about it because it makes me too sad. It's not my first mc but they don't really get easier when they happen. I do have a 2 year old in between the losses though so I promise you there is hope. Give yourself time to heal, and try not to focus too much on other people, just be there for each other. The pain won't last forever, I promise x

I don't know if it will help you at all but this is what my partner said to me when it happened:

'Nothing has been lost. We are all vessels of energy, borrowed from the universe. That energy is gifted to us by our mothers, but isn't ours until our cord is cut. That little ones life is still inside you, waiting. The vessel just wasn't quite right this time.'

We had 2 losses before our daughter and he firmly believes that both times it was still her, but she was just waiting for the right time. And she is perfect, as yours will be x

I’m so very sorry for your loss and how you’re feeling. All these emotions you’re feeling are understandable. I had an ectopic which ruptured (my first pregnancy) and I nearly died, underwent emergency surgery and lost my tube. I can relate to all those feelings you’re feeling, particularly the worry over the future. I know what it’s like to not be able to see any light. But stay positive and try again when the time is right for you. I know other people’s “happy endings” can be bitter sweet but I did find some solace in knowing other ladies in similar situations were lucky enough to have babies. I now have a DD just turned 3 and a 5 month old DS (second pregnancy was complicated by a kidney condition) and I feel so very grateful. Don’t lose hope, I wish you so well.

If anyone here is interested in an update, I'm pregnant again. Definitely wasn't expecting it to happen again so soon and am unbelievably anxious and fully prepared for it all to go wrong again. But it's obviously good news and I'm taking things one day at a time. Thank you all for being so kind in my time of need a few weeks ago, it really helped me feel better xxx

Best of luck OP, no point telling you not to be anxious as I'm sure you will be, but no reason why everything won't go smoothly for you this time. Lovely news.