Grief.

[Honeylov]

Me and my partner have both suffered 3 losses in the past 5 years.

Our last loss was in September, I started bleeding the same exact day as our loss the year before! I should have been 12 wks however sadly our baby died at 9 + 4

I was lucky enough to meet the little bean during this pregnancy and see them wriggling around on the little screen, I burst into tears, a sigh of relief when I saw that they was safe and well.
Albeit I was on my own at this appointment, sadly my partner never got to see, he only saw the scan photos (which I am SO very fortunate to have).

My partner was so supportive throughout are loss!
I’m just still finding it so difficult,
I don’t want to just ‘try again’ I can’t bare the pain.
my world is still on standstill whilst everybody else just keeps moving on.
Why isn’t my partner as sad as I am, he should feel as sad as me?
Maybe if he came to the appointment he would have felt the same love for this tiny little bean as me! (I know I should not think like this, I don’t want to).
Why couldn’t I protect my baby.
Why did this have to happen again?!

We have our first appointment next Wednesday with our local hospital for investigations into our recurring miscarriages, I thought I would start to feel more optimistic however I’m scared, angry, and feel so alone.

Oh Op, I can't imagine how hard this must be. Have you thought about getting some counselling? I know it can't help medically but it would give you an outlet to talk about your loss. I don't think it's surprising you feel even worse right now with this grief to bear, no answers yet and the stress and suspense of a medical investigation coming up. Others will have more valuable advice and experience but I just wanted to send you support.

Thank you for your response!💗
I’ve been to the doctors for support with mental health (reluctantly so). I asked about counselling but they wanted to try me on sertraline first, which I agreed to, unfortunately it did not agree with me. The NHS seem to be reluctant to offer counselling at the moment, I suppose it’s £££. I’ve been told to get back in touch if she thinks it’s something I still need after the first few initial appointments with the fertility team. Thank you for your support. X

I felt a relief after typing the OP, I don’t think I’m the type of person that could have expressed that to another person, face to face. Xx

I'm so so sorry for your losses.

In terms of practical things, in my area there's something called "mind matters" where you can self refer for therapy. I've used it a number of times and the therapy is all NHS run, it just skips the GP which is really useful I've found!

I have also had multiple losses and had recurrent miscarriage tests which didn't show anything, which is both good and frustrating at the same time.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened - it's not your fault, there's nothing more you could have done to protect your baby. Life can just be so cruel sometimes. Also please don't feel alone - Mumsnet is full of people who have had similar experiences, way more than you'd know in your immediate circle and it has really helped me feel less alone. I had my most recent loss in July and same as you felt angry,scared and alone. I still feel angry and scared and upset quite often (especially when my period arrives each month as we've been actively trying again for 5 months no luck, going in to month 6). But I feel far less alone when I share on here. Big hugs xx