Regrets after seeing your stillborn baby?

[Hopelessmumma]

Hi 👋 We lost our 20 week old baby girl and I am going to the hospital today to get induced... This was our first pregnancy after trying for 4 years ..Lot of emotions and disappointment but trying to get through the procedure first.. One thing I never thought I would be deciding was if I want to see and hold my stillborn baby after delivering or not.. Thinking about it for the last two days, I feel I would want to see her although it is going to break me into a thousand pieces today I think it will help me get closure and also I will have a picture of her in my heart forever... My husband is worried that it is going to scar me and make it so much more difficult to move on as that picture will keep haunting me for days to come... Was hoping to see if Anyone here has regretted seeing your baby or has any advice why it might not be best thing for a healing mumma? Thanks 🙏

I had a baby at 16 weeks so even smaller than yours. I looked and held him and it didn’t feel upsetting or scarring at all (I mean the situation was awful but the baby part wasn’t). He was given to me wrapped in a little blanket so I could only see his face really. I was given photos of his whole body in a sealed envelope after. I did look at these and didnt find them shocking or anything but it took me a few days before I could look.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. You don’t have to make any decisions in advance and you can change your mind. I didn’t know what I wanted beforehand but when it happened I absolutely did want to look at him and hold him and it felt as natural as when I had my living children. But that’s just my experience.

So sorry you’re going through this. My friend who had a stillborn baby cherishes the time that she held him and the pictures, but I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong here. Xxx

Hi there

I am so sorry you are going through this. We had a long TTC journey and found out at our 12 week scan that the baby likely had a chromosome problem, not compatible with life. We terminated at 14 weeks and I was induced and delivered the baby. I was keen to see the baby and my husband wasn't too sure but agreed with whatever I wanted to do.

I asked the midwife to look at baby first and let us know if she thought it wouldn't be wise for us to look. She wrapped baby in a tiny little hand knitted wrap which had a ribbon tie in the middle, so we could only see its little head and a tiny, perfect hand clutching its face. I'm glad we looked, but I didn't hold the baby and wonder now if maybe I should have. I also said I didn't need photos and again, kind of wish I'd had them taken and put in my file.

I was scared these would haunt me, that I'd keep looking at them and dwell on it too much.

I'm almost three months down the line and I am struggling to remember much, just the hand.

I am very glad we did look though. If I was further along I would have probably held the baby.

Personally I felt it helped me come to terms with the fact the baby was gone, but it is a very personal decision. My mother-in-law died very suddenly the year before, and my husband didn't want to see her so I didn't either. It still doesn't feel real that she's gone, I wonder if it would have helped us come to terms with it?

I hope everything goes ok for you today, maybe ask the staff to take photos if you don't feel up to it, or be guided by them. I was feeling quite sick on delivery so I asked if we could wait until I felt a bit better.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

Whilst I haven't gone through this myself, my mother did with my baby sister when I was 15. She held her, had foot and hand prints and a lock of her hair. She also had photos.

I was also allowed to hold her, and whilst incredibly sad at the time, for us as a family, I feel it definitely helped with the grieving.

There is no right or wrong in this situation. Sending you and DH so much love in the coming days, weeks and months x

Hello, I lost my eldest daughter at 20 weeks, we spent some time with her, held her, she was placed in a very tiny crib, that some kind soul had made, it was beautifully crocheted, she was all tucked up with her own blanket which I still have and keep in her memory box, we looked at her face and her hands. We have two photos that the hospital took, they are obviously very precious too us but they are a touch clinical, I would have preferred something I'd taken but I was in no fit state at the time and I'm grateful to have what we do.

We have no regrets. For us it helped. I don't have any what ifs, if that makes any sense? I know what she looked like, I had that time with her. We also had a funeral for her, we have her ashes, I've never been able to scatter them.

It is important to say though, that there are no rights or wrongs when dealing with loss, what was right for us may not be right for you. It's an awful thing to go through, there are no rules. You do what you have to, to get through.

All my love to you

I wish I had seen my little boy. I was scared and now I live with that regret. I was told he might not be in the best state to view but I wish I’d seen his hands or feet even. Obviously see how you feel only you know what you can cope with but I wanted to give you an alternative view.

I saw my 16 week baby & have no regrets. He was so small and beautiful, I’ve reached the point where the pictures of him make me smile.
So sorry you are going through this.

We buried him in our garden so he is always close to us.

I lost a baby at 15 weeks and I didn't look. I actually can't remember now if DH did or not. But I feel that the baby knew it was loved and by that stage it had passed on so I don't regret it.
But if I had looked that would have been ok too. I think with a 20 week baby like yours I would have given it a little cuddle.

I think you know your own heart better than your DH does. And if you don't see your baby - and it seems to me like you do from reading your post - you might resent HIM in the future for persuading you not to . Better to do it and take the opportunity and wish you hadn't rather than miss the chance forever
Xx

We had multiple MCs, ranging from c12 weeks to c18 weeks. Most were medically managed and one surgical.

Neither of us even considered looking until we were asked, and thankfully I (we both) said no thank you. I just couldn't.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, and whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your daughter.

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I chose to stay home and let nature take its course. My baby was born still in the sac which was actually really good as I was able to just cradle him that way. I think at 20 weeks a cuddle with your DD would be so good for you. Seeing my baby really helped me process everything. This is your DD, you won’t be scarred. You’ll get to say goodbye and tell her you love her to her face.

I also had a stillborn DS at 36 weeks and I took him home with me until the funeral (4 days later) and I know that probably seems shocking but was actually the very best thing I could have done.

Do ask for photos and footprints etc. you never need look at them but best to have them if you need them. I found having ‘proof' of my babies existence really healing.

I’m so sorry for your loss!! I’ve lost 2 babies this year jan & sept, both around 14 weeks. I held them both. They were so tiny but both so perfect. We had hand and foot prints done and took so many pictures. My little girl was born in her sac straight into my hand and my favourite picture I have is her in my hand seconds after. I don’t regret it at all, the hardest parts were leaving them and their funerals. They are buried one beneath the other so that brings me a little comfort.

I'm so sorry to all of you. I had one miscarriage after ttc 10 years, in week 7. I never conceived again and my children are adopted. That one early miscarriage was so, so hard. Sending love and strength to you @Hopelessmumma

I had my son at nearly 17 weeks. I was so so scared to look but when I gave birth I just wanted him.

We held him, spent time with him he was put into a beautiful crochet little like a sleeping bag with a hat. Which I have in his memory box.

We have photos, and prints. He looked so much like our older daughter.

For me I had too, I just wanted as much time with him as possible before we had to bury him. It also I think helped me accept the reality of the situation. All those things were so important to mark his existence for us and his special place in our family.

I don't regret it, neither does my husband. Those days in the hospital meant the world to us.

Even if you dont want to do it straight away, you can ask them to give you some time before you do.

I'm so so sorry for your loss...

I personally think I'd want to spend as much time with them as possible, to cradle them and smell them and kiss them and all those things and keep the blanket they are wrapped in so it smells of them
I'd want them to know how much they're loved. .
Sorry for your loss.

Also take pictures to look at, keep all those special things in a memory box. X

I am sorry that you are going through this and that you are losing your little one. I hope all goes as well as it can. You may well not get a choice as to whether you see them, I delivered one of mine at 19 weeks and had to hold him as he came out. There was no way not to look, I was involved and holding him before he was fully out. Sorry to be graphic.

I am a little surprised to read the other families experiences with losses at this gestation here. My baby was laid in a cardboard bedpan on the bed. When he was taken away they said they were going to put him in the fridge and we could get him out later if we wanted to. He was never dressed or wrapped in a blanket. We have no photos or hair or hand and footprints. I do not know what happened to him after, other than we had a post mortem. Nobody ever mentioned anything about funerals or ashes because it was a miscarriage and not a stillbirth? I have no idea what happened to him. I wish I had a photo, I’d really love a photo. I had a camera on my phone, I have no idea why I didn’t take one. I’d love to look at him again. I miss him.

Im sorry OP. Hold your baby if you want to but do take a photo even if it sits in an envelope for years. One day you might want to see it and if it doesn’t exist, you can’t.

wishing you peace xx

Sending much love to you. My little one was born at 13 weeks, 12 years ago on Saturday. I dithered about seeing him and I asked the nurse to look first and tell me what he looked like because he'd been dead for a while and I was worried he would have been damaged during the operation to get him out. She told me he was in a plastic bag and I decided I didn't want to see him like that. I was trying to knit a patchwork blanket while I was pregnant with him so I gave the nurse one of the patches and he was buried with it. I have some photos of the funeral and one very precious scan photo. To be honest if I could go back in time I still wouldn't have seen him but I would have had a private scan with a video and lots of photos.

My mum lost her son at 40+2 and she held him, stayed with him for 2 days. Bathed him, dressed him. Had hand and foot prints and a lock of hair. Lots of photos. And she never regretted a single thing.
She lost a daughter 15 years previous to that and didn't have anything and only got to see her for an hour before the hospital took her away (different world back then) she regrets not having more time with her to study her face and remember her.
I can't begin to know what you are going through. My heart breaks for you. What ever you decide is right for you is something you will have to live with, and neither decision will be easy. Honestly I think this whole situation is already going to be scarring for you. I'm not sure seeing your beautiful girl is going to be any more scarring, but might actually help with the healing and if not the healing, maybe the acceptance. ❤️

I have never been through anything like this so I have no words of advice but this thread moved me to tears. You are all so strong and I send love to all of you who have lost a child 🌹

I also have a friend who had a stillborn and she and her DH cherished that time they had with her and talked about it a lot. It seemed extremely important to them and no negativity at all. I'm so sorry you are going through this ❤️‍🩹💐💜

So many similar stories so full of love.

I lost my first baby at 14 weeks. They brought her in wrapped in a little knitted blanket with just her hand on display. (I was worried about what the rest of her would look like as she had oedema, so fluid all round her body, I wasn't sure she'd be entirely baby-shaped and didn't want to have an image in my head I wouldn't be able to unsee). So I asked just to see her hand. I held the little basket they handed her to me in (too small to really pick up), touched her hand and read her a letter I'd written.

We also had photos taken- I've looked several times at the photos of her hands and feet, but never the whole photo- maybe one day.

My husband didn't want to be in the room so wasn't. He intensely regrets this decision now, and mentions it every so often.